Recently I was on my way walking into work when I saw a large group of people assembled across the street, obviously trumpeting there cause. Once I realized they were postal workers, and not the next great suicide cult or anything like that, I went over to investigate. As has been reported recently in the news, the United States Post Office has fallen on hard times, and there is a significant risk it could eventually close. Being a mailman has become sort of a dream job for me, and those who know me can tell you it would be a good fit. So I had to learn what I could to do help, even if my reasons were a bit selfish.
The workers had a petition to sign, and literature to read stating their case. I think a lot of people don't realize the post office is 100% funded by postage sales. Since its inception, not a single cent from tax payers or other government branches have gone to the post office. I gladly signed their petition to offer my support. However the only ones my signature has ever really helped is my debtors.
Some of the proposals by the government to fight the rising expenses of maintaining the post office is closing offices, laying off employees, and less days of delivery. I can not get behind jobs being taken away from people, at least not in this case. Less days of delivery I could deal with. I mean, have you ever really looked forward to getting mail since your 10th birthday? But still there must be a better solution. I've thought about this for a while, and while I am doing my part by not notifying the people who send on average 12 pieces of mail per week to my house addressed to either my father (who I have not lived with in 30 years), or the woman I bought my house from 5 years ago. By allowing this, the post office is making $5.64 each week from these address errors.
Now on a completely separate note, I have 4 kids. My oldest has lost 4 teeth so far. Each time the "Tooth Fairy comes", he has received a dollar. Some quick math- 20 teeth per child, at a dollar per tooth, totals $80 over the years. And that's assuming we can get away with just a dollar, considering inflation rates and talk at school of more generous tooth fairies. Please understand, I'm not opposed to spending money on my children, but I rather reward them for more significant achievements than a natural biological function.
How does this all tie together? I propose it become commonplace that "The Tooth Fairy" place stamps under childrens' pillows opposed to cash. With Forever stamps currently costing 43 cents, I would only spend $32.68 on the remaining teeth. That's a saving of $43.42 for me, and the Post Office is making a sale they ordinarily would not have. Now there are roughly 61 million children ages 0-14 in the US. Children lose teeth anywhere between ages of 4-12. So lets just make a conservative estimate that there 20 million within that age group. A book of 20 stamps costs $8.60. If a book of stamps was purchased for each of these 20 million children, the Post Office would sell an additional $172 million in stamps!
The only obstacle is convincing children stamps are an acceptable trade for a tooth. Luckily this is not a practice rich with tradition. The tooth fairy comes in all different forms and leaves different gifts world wide. And I would not suggest we change the process without first having a story to back up the tradition. Its not like I'm giving Santa Claus or Easter Bunny a makeover. Allow me spin you a tale of how the tooth fairy began leaving stamps.
Its November 1861, in Windsor Locks, CT. Harriet Willoughby lives with her 5 year old son, Timmy. James, Timmy's father, was called into duty, to help the North fight in the Civil War. One day there is a knock on the Willoughby's door. Harriet opens it, to find a man in uniform, who delivers the horrifying news that James has been killed in action. She shuts the door, clenches the telegram by her chest, and fights back the tears. Timmy enters the room in an excited state.
"Momma, look I lost my first tooth! I'm growing into such a big boy! Soon I will be a soldier like Daddy!", he proudly proclaims. He notices the paper in Harriet's hand, and asks if its a letter from James. Unable to tell Timmy the tragic news, she lies, and pretends she's reading a letter from James, assuring Timmy that he is doing well and that he loves him and his mother very much.
That night Timmy falls asleep with the tooth under his pillow, eager for the Tooth Fairy to come. Knowing winter is well on its way, and unsure how she will provide for Timmy by herself, Harriet realizes she can not afford to leave any money under Timmy's pillow. She feels terrible that the Tooth Fairy can not visit her son. She feels worse that she didn't have the courage to tell him the truth about the boy's father. Yet she still can not say the words out loud, even when alone. She decides lying about James' death is better than hurting Timmy. That night she slips a stamp under Timmy's pillow with a note from the Tooth Fairy that reads "Timmy, you are indeed well on your way to growing up into a big, strong soldier like your father. He would love to hear from you. He has so much to be proud of."
Timmy is surprised to find the stamp rather than a coin. But after a talk with his mother he gladly pens a letter to his fallen father. As time goes on and Timmy continues to lose teeth, the lie is perpetuated. Timmy continues to scribe more and more letters. The other mothers in Windsor Locks sympathetically understand Harriet's dilemma, and as they inevitably receive the same news about their husbands, they too hide the truth, and adopt the policy of leaving stamps under their children's pillows.
Harriet's guilt would never go away. It took 9 teeth to come out before she finally built up the courage to not only tell Timmy the truth about James. Timmy understood his mother did what she thought was right to protect him. Timmy's dream of following in father's footsteps never waned. After his 18th birthday, he would enroll at West Point. He was sure to pack the remaining stamps he had received when he was younger. He saved these stamps for special letters to Harriet. One was describing his first week at West Point. Another was to send her an invitation to his graduation. Another was to announce the birth of his first son, James.
And from this small heart broken family a tradition was born. The Tooth Fairy would put stamps under each child's pillow in exchange for their lost teeth, with the expectation that these stamps would only be used for special letters for the most important people of our lives. If you were to receive a letter with that special stamp, you instantly knew its value before you even opened it. Thank you notes to grandparents, invitations to friends, letters of appreciation to members of our Armed Forces would all be acceptable uses for the Forever tooth stamps. And really, wouldn't it be nice if children took the time to sit and write a letter to a loved one on a regular basis?
Now all that's left is to make a claymation special, with figures similar to that of the Rudolph series to instill an old time feel to it, and have someone like Dick Van Dyke provide the voice of the narrator. Its a bit of a sad story, but there are writers in Hollywood who can sugarcoat it. I just laid the groundwork. And once word gets out, the Post Office can design a special Forever stamp with a tooth, tooth fairy, or something like that on it, that only "only comes from the Tooth Fairy" (wink, wink).
So there you have it. An extra $172 million to the Post Office, from me, free of charge. One final note, if this blog does reach any high ranking officials at the United States Postal Service, and they want to fore go the exam and hand me a mail carrier job as a sign of grattitude, I wear size 10.5 shoes, and would prefer a route close to home. Thanks.
