Reality TV has had its fair share of scandals over the years. While misdeeds by the cast of characters on shows like American Idol and Jersey Shore tend to grab the headlines, the Investigative Journalism team at My-Randomalities has uncovered a particular injustice on America's Funniest Videos.
It was Sunday, October 14, 2012. The third place winner, and recipient of $2,000 was announced, right before the first place winner, who would take home a cool $10,000. First suspicion arose when the 2 videos in question were considered for the grand prizes, as they were hardly the funniest entries. What really struck a discord was when the two winners' home towns were announced. Both the third and first place winners on AMERICA'S Funniest Videos hailed from Canada. Canada!
A fire burned in my belly. My blood boiled. Anger seethed from my pores, rendering me nearly speechless. Its no wonder our economy is such a mess when we are simply handing over twelve thousand American dollars to the Canucks.
Here's what won the top prize- a Canadian man grabbed his video camera in his Canadian home as his Canadian toddler emptied his wallet (mostly business cards, not credit cards, Canadian money, or Canadian ID, which would be worse, and subsequently funnier) and placed the contents in the heating vent. The Canadian man opened the vent and found a bunch of more business cards. Is that really worth 10 G's? That video should not have been placed in the top 3 even if the show was called Earth's Funniest Videos.
This stinks of an inside job, and after a little poking around, my suspicions proved correct. AFV is co-produced by Todd Thicke, brother of Alan Thicke. I know two fun facts about Alan Thicke:
1-He wrote the theme song to "The Facts of Life".
2-He is Canadian.
You've got to be kidding me! So Canada has a mole in the hierarchy of our most prized and cherished amateur blooper program. How did this happen? How could this happen?!
Listen, I'm not opposed to all things Canadian, although I think we all hold a little bit of a grudge for them pawning off Celine Dion on us. And I guess I could let it slide that Canadians are permitted to submit videos for the show. But the show's title dictates that they should not be eligible for prize money..
For 22 years, Americans have been submitting videos of their buffoonery, of their mindless gaffes and folly, of their untimely clumsiness. That show was built on above ground pools bursting and sleeping cats falling off of high ledges. AFV became the only place where many wedding videos could be viewed without shame, with fainting brides, grooms reciting vows peppered with Freudian slips, wedding cakes be destroyed by dancing drunk uncles, and grandfathers' two left feet accidentally removing grandmothers' dresses, much to the horror of the guests, with the exception of the aforementioned drunk uncles .
And lest we forget all the poor American men who were unsuspectingly plunked in the junk. Hundreds of footballs, baseballs, volleyballs, bowling balls, etc propelled in to hundreds of groins. Horses, llamas, and German shepherds attempting to establish a new order of dominance in the animal kingdom with well timed, knee buckling kicks and lunges at the underpants. Tony Hawke proteges flipping off their skateboards and sticking their landing on a bike rack between their legs. Helpless fathers forced to sing Happy Birthday in soprano due to errant swings at the pinata.
What do you have to say to these poor men, Mr. Thicke? Have they not suffered? Why must their pain only be hilarious and not also profitable? I'm actually amazed the US population has not decreased significantly in the last 22 years given all the testicular trauma highlighted on that show. Yet you turn a blind eye to these comedic martyrs. The very least you could do is send them a protective cup with the AFV logo on it.
But the fact remains that this is OUR show. That is OUR prize money. We, the American people have paid our dues, and often paid dearly. George Washington must be rolling over in his grave. He fought so we wouldn't have to pay a tax on tea. If he let things like that slide back then, we'd still be speaking English today (you know what I mean!). You think he'd sit idly by if his video of Martha falling awkwardly off of a trampoline lost money to some lady in Saskatchewan whose dog's howl maybe, kind of sounds like its saying "I love you"? Hell no! What's been happening on AFV would never happen on his watch.
Well friends, its time for another revolution. If you have anything even remotely funny captured on video, I urge you to send it to America's Funniest Videos. Let's overwhelm them with good old fashion American moronity. Let's inundate them with the nonsensical idiocy that proudly runs rampant through this great nation. You have awakened a sleeping giant of an imbecile, Mr Thicke. If anyone is going to make a fool of us Americans, it will be ourselves. We'll see who's laughing now.
Its time to stand up and fight for whats right.
Unless you just took a tire iron to the family jewels. You're allowed to sit for a while.
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