I wouldn't exactly say the well has dried up, but I've had a tough time thinking of what exactly to blog about lately. Its not that I don't have ideas, its just with 4 kids, 2 dogs, a full time job, and trying to train for a 5K, I haven't given myself much time to expand upon those ideas. I asked my wife for a suggestion on a topic, and she recommended I write about baking soda. Given that my deadline to post a blog is Sunday night (I began my rough draft of this late Thursday night), I feel I would sell myself short and do my readers a disservice by hastily throwing something together about baking soda. That is a subject matter that requires hours of research, analytical processing, and thoughtful writing. So I ask for your patience. Trust me, you will get your baking soda blog.
So which idea should I try to make work in such a short amount of time? I was thinking last week about a gift exchange I was in at Christmas time. It was the White Elephant game, and the only requirement is your gift had to have the "AS SEEN ON TV " label. It was pretty fun, although nobody got stuck with a snuggie. But seeing some of the stuff that was exchanged, it really made me question the whole "Necessity is the father of invention" idea. Sure some of the items are practical, but doesn't the definition of necessity get skewed when there are things like the "ePad Electrolysis" device (I encourage you to look that up. The pic of the girl zapping her mustache is delightful) or the 'As Seen on TV Hat" (again, check out the video for that one. It made me laugh)? I wonder what Benjamin Franklin, inventor of the odometer, bifocals, and Daylight Savings Time would think if he saw some of the items on the As Seen On TV website. What would he think of the Supreme Moo Mixer ("Just add milk, chocolate, and imagination". Seriously?!), or the Perfect Meatloaf Maker? Maybe the Franklin household would have benefited from the Perfect Meatloaf Maker. I’ve heard Deborah Franklin's meatloaf was always dry. And just going by the pictures I've seen of her, she could of used an AH-BRA too. But I digress....
Its easy to take many great inventions for granted when we are bombarded with commercials for the aforementioned crap. Things like cell phones, microwaves, and elevators are great inventions, but they were not neccessary. But their impact on the world can not be discounted. I've been thinking about what are some of the most unappreciated inventions of all time. Of course I can pick anything and spin it as the most important invention ever. And then you could say anything else and prove it to be more important. So perhaps this will be a recurring topic. But for now, the two most important inventions ever, will be revealed in this blog. The first invention was critical to the evolution of man, the second to the evolution of the economy.
THE MOST IMPORTANT INVENTION OF ALL TIME #1- The Table.
"Are you kidding?", you ask, "A f@#$ing table is a better invention than (insert any of your favorite things)?". "Preposterous!", you may exclaim. "Pure and utter bull@#$", you may scream. "I don't need a table to eat a Whopper when I'm driving, and even you said you have a laptop, so no table needed there either", you could correctly point out. But before you get too fired up and begin taking out your anger on any nearby table, allow me to explain. Sure you could argue that without tables life would be a picnic. I would say you are correct, especially for chiropractors. But man found a need for tables, and with tables came progress.
Millions of years ago, cavemen would go out on their hunts and drag home the slain mammoths. In the cave, they would gather around the carcasses, sit on he ground, lean forward and eat their meals. This was detrimental in two ways. Eating off the ground left the food more vulnerable to bacteria, causing illness and decreasing the caveman population, as well as putting unnecessary strain on the cavemen’s' lower backs, as if carrying a dead mammoth back to the cave wasn't strain enough. Whether by accident or by design, someone invented a table (despite my best efforts, I could not find a credited inventor of the table). Since nobody has been credited with inventing the table, I'll just hypothetically say it was a caveman named Slog.
So one day Slog brings home a mammoth. Before the clan eats, Slog must break up some wood, bend down and start a fire. For many minutes, Slog diligently rubs two sticks together until finally he gets a spark. He begins to gather more wood from the pile. He adds more and more, until the cave is adequately heated and lit for the clan that night. Tired, hungry, and in a great deal of pain, he rests the piece of wood he was holding across two large rocks. Ara, Slog's loyal cavewomen, brings him a slab of meat and drops it on the ground before him. Slog sits and leans over to grab his food, but a sharp pain shoots up his back. He moans, drops his meat, and looks at it frustrated. When he sits upright, he feels fine. Leans forward, aches. He looks around the cave. All the other cave people are hunched over, and grunting in discomfort. He continues to scan the cave. And there he sees that wood, suspended over ground by the two rocks. He picks up his meat, and rests it on the wood. He straightens his back, and feels incredible relief. He begins to eat every meal at the wood and rocks. Ostracized at first (I'm just assuming cavemen weren’t very progressive thinkers and disliked change), they soon noticed Slog was a different caveman. He stood more upright, and appeared more confident, both on the hunts, and in the cave bedroom - good for you Ara ;). Others would follow Slog to this table to eat their dinners. Over time, their backs grew stronger, and their population's general health improved as their food wasn't contaminated by as much bacteria from the ground. The weaker but smarter cavemen, who always had to wait to get the last scraps of food, lived longer lives because they were eating cleaner cuts of meat. These improvements evolved, generation by generation, leading to the stronger, smarter, fully upright homo sapiens that inhabit the world today. A straight, strong back led man to do other great things, such as climb a ladder (try slumping over and climbing a ladder sometime).
The table itself would also evolve over time. Once a log over some rocks, it would later grow legs, 3 or 4 or more. And new uses for the table would be developed, such as playing poker, holding sewing machines (lets see you rest one of those on your lap, smart guy), or as a place to put magazines in the doctors' office. Of course, if tables were not invented, the magazines could just be placed on the floor, as your curved back posture would naturally have you staring at the floor at the doctors' office anyhow.
**Interesting side note- The 5 Second Rule was invented shortly after the table.**
THE MOST IMPORTANT INVENTION OF ALL TIME #2- The Arcade Token.
The arcade token is much more than a replica coin that will get you 3 lives in Pac-Man. Its development was a revolutionary concept in the American economy. "This guy has to be drunk. Its a stupid fake coin", you may be saying to yourself. Sure its value is limited, only functional within the walls of the arcade, but that is what makes it genius.
Picture pre-arcade token America: a young lad, Timmy, takes his $1 and goes for a walk. He sees a pinball machine, asks the arcade clerk to give him 4 quarters, and plays a round of pinball. After the game, he skips across the street and buys a nutty buddy with his remaining 75 cents, and doesn't even think of returning to the arcade.
Now lets examine the same scenario once the arcade tokens became the standard currency in arcades. And I'll even consider inflation, and give young Timmy $2. So there he is, strolling through town, with $2 in his pocket and not a care in the world. He sees this big machine with bright lights flashing in the arcade, and several other kids gathered around it. Naturally he has to see what all the fuss is about. As he draws closer, he reads the title of the game- Space Invaders. That title sounded similar to the movie his older brother saw when he got to second base (whatever that is) at the drive-in last Saturday night. Well his brother seemed to have enjoyed that space movie, so he should at least try his hand at this space game then too, he reasons. He asks the arcade clerk for change, who directs him to a token machine. He inserts one of his dollars, receives 4 odd looking coins, and walks over and deposits one into the game. After a few minutes, his game ends and he enters his 3 initials, claiming the 7th highest score, yet feels quite disappointed. His brother seemed so much more excited after "watching" a movie about an alien invasion than he did playing a game based on it. So Timmy again skips across the street seeking the comfort that can only come from a root beer float and curly fries. Such fine cuisine usually sets Timmy back $1.25, well within the day's budget. Yet when he attempts to pay, the waitress will not accept the silver coin with the gold center that Timmy received from the machine at the arcade. He tries to reason with her, stating he put in a dollar and received 4 of these coins, so in theory they are worth 25 cents apiece. But she still refuses them. Defeated, embarrassed, and pretty hungry, Timmy begrudgingly walks back across the street, and uses the 3 tokens to play 3 more rounds of Space Invaders (as the arcade clerk flashes a devilish grin). But there is a silver lining, Timmy get the 3rd highest score that day, and his initials would be proudly posted on the screen for a whole week, until 2 players, who initials were coincidentally S.E.X and A.S.S claimed all of the top ten high scores.
But the point is, the arcade token was a specialized non-transferable currency that could only be spent in one place. A child could exchange a dollar for 4 tokens, play a game, and if they did not enjoy themselves, they were on the hook for the full dollar. They would have to use all 4 tokens to get their money's worth. Talk about enabling an addiction. And then the scheme grew. You could exchange $1 for 4 tokens, or you could exchange a 5 dollar bill, and get 22 tokens. Talk about value! Even the dopiest kid can figure out what a deal that is. And its no extra cost to the arcade. They always get those tokens back anyway. Kids can take the tokens home, but they are only worth anything in the arcade and they've already been paid for anyways.
The effects of the advent inception of arcade coins are two-fold. Children who find their allowances replaced with pockets full of virtually worthless coins realize they need to take a little imitative if they want more tangible cash, and begin mowing their neighbors' lawns, shoveling driveways, etc. So children had to become entrepreneurial to support their habit.
And later the arcade token's bastard child would be born - the gift card. Its the same thing. You just graduated college and your grandma gives you a $30 gift card to The Olive Garden (about enough for 2 meals), which is a nice gesture. After all, she remembers you went to The Olive Garden when you were 12 and you loved it. But you would really rather have an actual $30 to spend on beer, or your car insurance payment, or even $30 worth of spaghetti to stuff your cupboards with (you’d get a hell lot more than 2 meals out of the $30 then). But you are now committed. That’s $30 that can only be spent within that building. While you are there, I hope you will take the time to appreciate the table you are dining at. I'm sure management at The Olive Garden does. Can you imagine all the lawsuits they would have encountered from people slipping on sauce if plates were placed on the floor?
[I hope you learned something by reading this blog. If nothing else, you should now understand why I titled my blog "My-Randomalities"]
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