The Five People You Meet In Hell

A few nights ago, I watched the movie “The Five People You Meet in Heaven”, and it was just as good as I had been told it would be. In the story, a man dies and meets five different people, and gains a new perspective of his life. So I’ve been thinking, if everyone meets five people when they go to Heaven, then surely they must do the same if they go to Hell.

In “The Five People You Meet in Heaven”, Eddie, the protagonist, visits the five people in their different heavens. I don’t picture Hell as a fiery cavern where people are tied to a wall and tortured for eternity. I think of Hell as being similar to the real world; people have houses and jobs to go to. I’m sure there is a great deal of physical torture scheduled daily, but I also think there is a great deal of mental and emotional punishment that people must deal with everyday, and these five people do just that, pushing you to the brink.

This is not an essay on the five worst people of all time. I’m sure Adolf Hitler, Pol Pot, Osama Bin Laden, etc are all down there. I like to think that Satan operates with a sense of poetic justice ( I would if I ran Hell), and Bin Laden, for example, would reside in the Mecca of everything that’s wrong with Western civilization, New York City, working at a Best Buy, selling plasma TV’s, cell phones, and romantic comedies starring Hugh Grant to an endless line of capitalist American infidels, and the only place nearby he can go on his lunch break is Hooters.

Now I like to believe I’ve led a good, moral life, and have a better shot at Heaven than Hell, but for the purposes of this blog, I’ll use my model of Hell. You may have some variations, but I think you’d agree mine would be no picnic.

I picture life in Hell to be routine. Every morning when the alarm clock goes off, Train is playing on the radio (usually “Soul Sister”). The hot water in the shower runs out the second you put shampoo in your hair, and as you rush to rinse it out, you always get some in your eyes. The weatherman always says it will be sunny and 75, and the second you walk out your door its 45 with golf ball sized hail. You get every red light. Every year the Dallas Cowboys play the New England Patriots in the Super Bowl. The only sports announcers are Dick Vitale, Tim McCarver, and John Madden. David Caruso is the best actor in Hell. The radio stations play 1 song, then 20 commercials, all of which are the annoying car dealership commercials where the “host“ interviews a salesman and is shocked by all the fabulous deals available. And dating in Hell is an absolute nightmare. Trust me, there is no one you would want to bring home to meet your mother.

In Hell, you work a 12 hour shift at a job you detest, followed by 12 hours of excruciatingly painful torture. Oh but don't worry, thats not the whole day.  The days in Hell are longer - 26 hours. So in the time in between torture and work, and the 2 hours of free time, you encounter the five people you meet in Hell. They are no worse than you- remember you’re there for a reason too. But after all the beatings, lashings, and burnings, after all the crap you deal with at your awful job, these people touch your very last nerve.

#1- The Lottery Whore:  You are on your way to your torture, and notice the gas tank is a little low, and since the price of gas has just dropped down to $38/gal, you decide to fill up now. You go inside to pay, but are stuck behind the Lottery Whore. Of course playing the lottery in Hell is risky business, but this person seems to think winning will lead to a better life in Hell, which is foolish, considered its run by the devil. But still he plays religiously. He seems to have a never ending scroll of numbers. 456, 298, 444, 128, 128 boxed….on and on he goes, spouting out numbers as if he is reciting pi to the thousandth decimal place. And you wait, holding exact change for your gas, trying to get the clerk’s attention so you can drop the money on the counter and go, but then the lottery whore requests the clerk read each number back to him because he insists one was missed. Thanks to him, you will be 10 minutes late to your torture session. And every minute you are late equals an extra hour of torture.
　

#2 - The Ungrateful Driver: You have the right of way, and even though you are late, you yield and let them go first. It is irritating enough that they do not appreciate the gesture enough to acknowledge it with a thank you wave, flick of the headlights, or honk of the horn. But its really infuriating when they pass you and give you a dirty look as if you are blatantly violating the most basic rules of traffic rather than being kind. And that little hold up cost you a chance to get ahead of the garbage truck, which you are now stuck behind for the rest of your commute.

#3- The One-Upper:  This guy is always around. At work. Tied to a post next to you as you get caned. In his ears, his voice sounds like a symphony, his stories Shakespearean, and as such he feels the need to delight others with it. It does not matter the conversation topic, he always has something better. One guy says he died in a car accident. He says he was run over by a steamroller. And realism never is a factor with this guy. He’ll always say something more outrageous and absurd. You know a guy who died from a rattlesnake bite? Two sharks played tug of war with his cousin. Your brother was sight seeing and fell off the Eiffel Tower? His buddy was running with the bulls in Pamplona when a gas tanker spilled and caught fire on one of the streets, and he was trampled and gored by 30 angry, blazing bulls.

#4- The On Sale Only Stickler: You stop at the grocery store to pick up some bacterial band-aids (because they don’t sell anti-bacterial band-aids in Hell) to stop the bleeding from the day’s torture. There is only 1 register open, and you are behind one of these clowns. He has his shopping flyer open, and questions the cashier to be sure each sale item is being rang up under the proper sale price. Half the items do not scan  at the sale price. He says “that can of tuna is supposed to be 99 cents, not $1.09”, and points to it in the flyer. The cashier points out the Bumble Bee tuna is on sale, not the Chicken of the Sea tuna which was on the shelf right next to it. “Well I don’t want it then”, he says. Eight cans of cat food are scanned, but at regular price. “Why?” he asks. “You need to buy 10 cans for the discount.”, replies the cashier. “Nah, forget it, I don’t want them then”, he angrily snaps. (Poor cat) Apparently you and all the blood dripping from your abdomen are invisible, as well as the 11 other people standing in line behind you. Finally the cashier gets through the order, and the person purchases only 5 out of the 20 items they had in the cart. Now he goes to pay with a check (seriously, who still pays with a check?!!).  And of course he can not find his id. Meanwhile you grow light headed from the blood loss.

#5 - Kids Who Don’t Dress Up on Halloween”: Fittingly, Halloween is the only holiday celebrated in Hell. But you have plenty of children coming to your house with empty pillowcases and no costumes asking for candy. What the hell is up with that?!!!! Seriously, I can’t stand that! Dressing up is the whole point of Halloween. I don’t care if you half-ass a costume and just paint your face white, put on a rainbow colored wig, or put your dad’s clothes on, do something! Throw a freaking sheet over yourself and pretend you are a ghost- I’ll play along. “Ooo what a spooky ghost” I‘ll say, and then gladly hand over a bag of Skittles. But they won’t even do that. Is it really too much to ask for a little effort and participation? But you have to give these kids candy, because costume or no costume, they’re still kids, and its still Halloween. And if you don’t, they’ll remember you, and next year your house will be pelted with eggs, and your trees covered with toilet paper. And I am not spending my 2 free hours of a day in Hell cleaning up that mess.