October has come and gone, and with it a myriad of Halloween themed programming. Halloween falling on the last day of the month is an ideal situation for TV stations, as shows and movies progress in quality as the fateful day nears,
I will admit, I've never been interested in watching horror movies, but I do find it to be an interesting genre. You have the types where specific monsters terrorize a community, like Dracula, Frankenstein, The Werewolf, etc. You have the ones which have been greatly aided by the advances in special effects, allowing for graphic and gross mutations in the blink of an eye. Horror movies spark creativity in both the most genius and moronic film makers. Absolutely nothing is off limits as to what will be the source of terror.
Sure, Dracula, Jason, and Freddy Kruger are scary. But when it comes to horror movies, practically anything can be used as a medium of fright, like a videotape ("The Ring"), a low lying, thick mist ("The Fog"), zombie strippers ( "Zombie Strippers!"), a leprechaun, (Leprechaun), giant irradiated ants ("Them!"), clowns from another planet ("Killer Klowns from Outer Space"), tomatoes ("Attack of the Killer Tomatoes"), and even a cookie ("Gingerdead Man").
Again, I've never watched any of those movies, so I am in a sense judging a book by its cover. The premise of many of these just seem too silly to be taken seriously. I think I could defeat the antagonist in a lot of horror movies. Take "The Ring" for example. I simply wouldn't rewind the tape. In this instant gratification/ADD age, who is going to wait for that. While it rewinds, someone will text a friend, get invited to the mall, then maybe go out for some Thai food, followed by disco-glow bowling. Meanwhile the tape sits idly in the soon to be obsolete VCR which collects dust, until its finally tossed in the trash.
One successful horror franchise that I never quite understood is the "Child's Play" series. Its a freaking doll. All you should need is a Louisville slugger to beat Chucky in to smithereens. Even a swing from a mop or umbrella should be good enough to send him flying across the room. If you can't kill Chucky yourself, you should be able to trap him with a laundry basket with an encyclopedia on top until help arrives. And I guess the people being terrorized in these movies never had any dogs. Both of my dogs have destroyed bigger, badder toys..
I think if I ever were to get in to scary movies, I'd prefer the type where regular animals turn into blood thirsty, killing machines as opposed to one particular monster or evil spirit. A werewolf is pretty bad ass, but there's only one. You and your group can disperse, and hopefully someone will find a silver bullet before its too late. But a large group of animals, well that's much harder to escape from based on the sheer volume of the pack.
Sharks ("Jaws") and wolves ("The Grey") are obvious choices. But there is a breed of film makers that gets a little, well, for lack of a better word, crazy, when selecting a species to be the film's killers. There have been movies made where slugs and frogs actually went on killing sprees in villages full of village idiots.
So if I were to pick an unusual animal for my horror movie, my selection would fall some where in the middle between slugs and wolves. My beast of choice would be ducks. Yes, I said ducks.
I know, Alfred Hitchcock already did a bird movie. But he used gulls. According to my research, 84% of Americans feel compelled to thwack a gull with a tennis racket, regardless of the situation. Part of the reason I chose ducks is because they are feathered Prozac. Who can watch a duck waddle, swim, and hear its little quack, and not help but feel a little better? So a malicious, violent duck would have the element of surprise on its side.
Some imagery from my duck movie:
An old man sits on a park bench at sunrise. He tosses some stale bread towards the pond. A duck swims to the shore, waddles to the bread, and happily gobbles it up. The duck quacks with approval, and the man tosses another piece. Soon the duck is joined by 3 others, who quack for more. The man tosses more bread, as the ducks creep closer to him. The man continues to throw them bread, the ducks quacking becoming louder and more rapid. The man looks inside the sack, and sees all that's left is a few crumbs. When he returns his eyes back to the ducks, he sees not 4, but hundreds. Not pleased that he is out of food, they attack, ripping the poor old man to pieces, leaving behind only a few crumbs themselves.
The movie title, "DUCK & COVER", flashes on the screen, to a chorus of quacks with a cadence similar to a cliched evil laugh.
From there we follow a group of seven 20-something friends, on a camping trip in Oregon for one last hurrah before the reality of adult life pulls them apart (if the ducks don't do it first).
One young woman wakes early and decides to go on a hike. At the crest of the mountain, she notices what appears to be a hawk circling in front of the morning sun. She squints to follow its graceful flight. The sun is blinding, and she momentarily loses sight of the bird. She blinks, and when she opens her eyes she see the bird dive bombing above her. She freezes, shocked, and mutters one word as she realizes what is happening- "Duck?".
If only she would have. The impact of the blow of the falling water fowl knocks her to the ground, her head hitting a large rock. When she comes to, she hears the soft flap of webbed feet on the hard ground, as several ducks approach her. She's paralyzed, and lets out a blood curdling scream as bills pierce and rip her young, slutty flesh (oh, did I forget to mention this film will follow the standard formula of terror and sex romps, with the virgin being the lone survivor? How else do you expect people to watch this movie? Its freaking ducks killing people!). Her screams echo through the valley, but the joyous quacks of the feasting ducks, for a reason known only to God, do not. Her friends know it is her in danger, but have no clue as to the nature of the threat.
The remaining group of friends decide to split up to find their friend and get help.
One by one, the friends encounter a group of ducks, and unsuspectingly get devoured by the vicious birds. They walk. They run. One even climbs a tree but can still not escape.
The last two surviving friends get in a canoe to paddle across a lake, to the ranger's cabin. It has begun to rain (ideal weather for ducks). They notice a group of ducks in the not so far distance. They see the ducks plunge underwater in unison, and re-surfacing having caught something small to eat. The repeated, perfectly choreographed dives captures the two friends attention. The flock heads underwater again, but do not return as early as they had previously. The friends take notice. They are now invested in this beautiful show put on for them by nature. Seconds pass. They look at each and laugh, wondering where the ducks could be. They drop the paddles, and lean forward, peering down in to the dark, deep lake water.
Suddenly the canoe's floor is punctured by 10 duck bills. Water fills the boat. The ducks fly out the water and attack the confused friends. The canoe begins to sink, and the friends try to both swim away and defend themselves. They reach for the paddles, but the onslaught from the ducks is too much to allow them mount an effective counter attack. The male friend's foot gets caught, making escape very difficult. He himself has become a sitting duck, and becomes the focus of their attack. The sinking canoe fills with water and blood. He gasps for air as his head bobs, mouth being filled with water, and lets out one fateful last scream "UUCCKK" (first letter drowned out by the water, but you have 2 very appropriate ones to choose for this scenario).
The female friend has managed get free, and grab one of the oars. She looks over her shoulder and sees the ducks diving in to the water like they had a few minutes earlier, only this time surfacing with bits and pieces of her friends flesh in their bills. Shore is only a few hundred yards away, and she made All State on her high school swim team. Plus, as the only virgin in the group, she has a little more reserved strength due to the lack of fornication the night before. She grabs hold of the oar floating nearby, and swims to land.
The girl makes it to shore. Weakened from the swim and the many bites and abrasions, she struggles to rise to her feet. It isn't long before she hears the squishing of webbed feet on the mud. As the blood from her wounds is washed away from the downpour of rain and tears, she grips the canoe oar. The ducks advance, and with what little strength she has left, she swings the oar like a samurai with a sword. Feathers get tossed about in the air like a sorority house pillow fight. She suffers many more bites, but is able to stumble in to the cabin. She sees what scraps of a park ranger the ducks left behind lying on the floor. On a desk she sees a set of keys and lighter. She grabs both as the cabin is filling up with savage ducks. She turns the gas on the stove, advances towards the door, swinging the oar like a baseball star who promised to hit a home run for a sick child.
She gets knocked to her feet yet somehow makes it to the door. She gives one last swing with the oar, freeing herself enough to lunge out the door and pull it shut behind her. She notices all the broken windows and strikes the zippo and throws the lit lighter in the cabin just before the ducks crowd the windows to chase after her. She runs to the Jeep and pulls away, noticing the exploding duck filled cabin in the rear view window.
Or something to that effect. The bottom line is ducks walk. Ducks swim. Duck fly. If a duck wants to get you, its going to get you. You can't hide from a duck.
---- If you enjoy horribly bad and cheesy movies, ones even worse than the ones I just described, check out this website:
http://www.pastemagazine.com/blogs/lists/2009/10/the-xx-best-worst-horror-movies-of-all-time.html
Their is a brief description of each, along with a trailer. I highly recommend watching the trailer for "The Gingerdead Man". The scariest thing about these movies is that someone thought making these movies was a good idea. Especially the one is named "Monsturd". I didn't watch the trailer for that one, but my guess is scientists create a genetically superior dung beetle to defeat the Monsturd, or a priest exorcises a demon, leaving one big pile of holy crap.
---Remember you can 'Like' My-Randomalities on Facebook. There will be information on a photo contest as well as details on a My-Randomalities calendar, and the most random Shark Week you will ever see.
Sunday, November 4, 2012
Sunday, October 21, 2012
Planes, Trains, & Automobiles: The Good, The Bad, & The Ugly
No friends, this is not a movie critique blog. Although I will say Planes, Trains, and Automobiles is without a doubt the best Thanksgiving movie ever, and in my opinion, John Candy's opus. This week's random topic is on transportation, with the name sake of one movie being classified by the namesake of another.
The Good- Trains.
Since I've never really ridden on a train, with the exception of the trolley system in Pittsburgh, with rides lasting no longer than 20 minutes, I have a fairly positive opinion of traveling by locomotive. Of course, I had a similar perspective of traveling long distance by bus prior to experiencing the purgatory on wheels myself ( friendly tip- if you are headed on a 10 hour bus trip tomorrow, don't drink yourself stupid tonight, because you may not be as lucky as I was to get in to the restroom to empty your stomach. And that will be the only time you will ever hear getting in to a bus restroom as a "lucky" occasion).
Trains helped build this country, expand industry and trade, as well as provide Hollywood with a unique setting for films. The train station became an iconic setting rich with romance, drama, mystery, and bittersweet moments that just can not be captured in other modes of transportation.
Imagine the following- its a chilly evening, and the clouds have begun to move in, obscuring some of the half moon's already dim light. Two star crossed lovers walk hand in hand, but only one is carrying a boarding pass.The protagonist reluctantly escorts his heroine to her train car, offering encouraging words and a strong embrace when the conductor gives his final cry of "All aboard". She boards and quickly finds a seat by the window, and her eyes lock with his, peering into each others' souls. She places her hand on the window as if to wave goodbye, and like a magnet, his hand is drawn to hers. Hands pressed together, separated by a thin pane of glass, they can almost feel each other's pulse, their hearts beating as one. The whistle blows, and the train begins its departure. Slowly, she is pulled from him. With his hand in place, he steps forward with the car. Her lips quiver ever so slightly, as the words "I love you" escape from her mouth. His head offers the faintest of nods, echoing her sentiments. His breath pours out of his nose in the cold, biting, night air, as he tries desperately to keep up with her, refusing to let go of the one love he knows he can never have. Unable to hold pace, he stops, yet his eyes have never left hers. A tear drops on to her cheek, and then she vanishes in to the darkness.
Now lets try the same scenario with a 1993 Ford Escort. Its a chilly night. It is time for our heroine to bid farewell to our hero. She gets in the Escort. His eyes glare in to hers, and she gives a nod of approval. He places his hand on the window, and begins to push the little hatchback forward. The sound of the ignition turning is quickly drowned out by Whitesnake's "Here I Go Again" crackling through the one functioning speaker. Their eyes remain locked, as he runs beside her, pushing her car in to the street. Finally, the engine pops, and the car starts. She slowly accelerates down the street. He whispers the word "Go" from his trembling lips while he trots a few steps further, if for nothing else but to keep warm, as she took his good flannel with her. Realizing she is gone, he takes a step back, pauses, and then begins to move towards his love again, afraid he'll have to pop start that piece of junk once more as she sits at the red light 50 yards ahead. I know there's no turn on red,but dammit just go! His walk to her escalates to a light jog, when at last she looks in all directions without seeing a cop, and drives right on red, and right out of his life.
Doesn't quite invoke the same type of emotion does it?
The Bad- Planes.
The actual physics of traveling by plane are not bad, as I can't be that crazy to say NY to LA in a few hours is worse than 3 days in a 1993 Ford Escort. But flying has its fair share of cons associated with it. Here are few areas I want to concentrate on.
In case you didn't know this, the moving walkway, or nerdier sounding horizontalator as it is also know as, is to assist people in a hurry to reach their destinations, not so lazy people can take a break of the strenuous activity of walking 30 feet. It kills me when I see a person in an obvious hurry trying to make up lost time hop on only to get caught in a standstill behind some people who view the moving walkway as a chance to become stationary and admire the small TGI Friday's, smoking lounges, and all the other sights you see scattered throughout the terminals. They are there for a reason, a good reason. There will be several hours to sit and relax on the plane. "But what about the elderly and disabled?" you ask. They should get their own travelator (another nerdy alias of the device). But any able bodied person caught slouching over the rail, impeding an other's progress should be struck with a cattle prod to keep the herd moving.
Maybe some people need to use the moving walkway because they are running late. Maybe they are using it so they can secure possession of the arm rest before anyone else. Its puzzling that its almost 2013 and armrests must still be an issue. Make them bigger already! Color the left side blue and the right side red, so each person has their territory marked, and get on with the handing out of the pretzels. Its really ridiculous when you consider all the advances in aviation in the last 100 years, and insufficient arm rest space still has not been properly address by any of the major airlines.
Also I really want to see a crash test dummy video of what exactly will happen to my body in the event of a crash if I don't return my seat to the full upright position. What type of additional damage can I expect if I am to be propelled forward an extra inch and half while already free falling from the sky at hundreds of miles per hour? Call me a pessimist, but I don't like my chances in either case.
The Ugly- Automobiles.
One man's junk is another man's treasure, which is why so many woody wagons were made in the 80's. But this is not a commentary on automobile design, Unless you are Amish, you probably can not imagine life without a car (and if you are Amish, I'm flattered you are reading this). The invention of the automobile led to the invention of automobile accessories. Beaded seat covers, trucker hats, and "Honk if You're Horny" bumper stickers would fade in to non-existence like Marty McFly if the automobile never were created. And I think if Henry Ford was alive today, he would be really impressed that we have developed the technology to replicate New Car smell and contain it on a small, pine tree shaped piece of cardboard.
But it hasn't been all good. Sometimes things get taken to far. I was dumbfounded the first time I saw a car driving through my neighborhood with the following:
That's right, CAR EYELASHES!! These things make the car bra's of the 90's seem as fashionable and sensible as denim jeans. And this particular photo is extra hilarious, since someone defiled a BMW with these things.
On the Randomalities scale of Bad Ideas, with a 5 being "Giving Monkeys Blowtorches Bad", this rates as a 2 ( "Taking a road trip with Kathy Griffin Bad"). They are annoying and unattractive, and show a desperate need for attention. A 2 is a low number on the scale, based on its harmlessness, but a low score on the Randomalities Scale of Bad Ideas is still never ever anything to be proud of.
They better never ever put eyelashes on a train.
------------------------------------------------------------------------
Upcoming Randomalities:
- An Untapped Source of Horror
- The 2012 My-Randomalities-ies Awards
- maybe a blog on windmills.
-----------------------------------------------------------------------
Remember you can follow My-Randomalities on Facebook and receive up to the minute updates regarding the hottest new merchandise this holiday season, get mini & retro Randomalities, as well as experience the most random Shark Week of your life (the 1st full week of Dec).
The Good- Trains.
Since I've never really ridden on a train, with the exception of the trolley system in Pittsburgh, with rides lasting no longer than 20 minutes, I have a fairly positive opinion of traveling by locomotive. Of course, I had a similar perspective of traveling long distance by bus prior to experiencing the purgatory on wheels myself ( friendly tip- if you are headed on a 10 hour bus trip tomorrow, don't drink yourself stupid tonight, because you may not be as lucky as I was to get in to the restroom to empty your stomach. And that will be the only time you will ever hear getting in to a bus restroom as a "lucky" occasion).
Trains helped build this country, expand industry and trade, as well as provide Hollywood with a unique setting for films. The train station became an iconic setting rich with romance, drama, mystery, and bittersweet moments that just can not be captured in other modes of transportation.
Imagine the following- its a chilly evening, and the clouds have begun to move in, obscuring some of the half moon's already dim light. Two star crossed lovers walk hand in hand, but only one is carrying a boarding pass.The protagonist reluctantly escorts his heroine to her train car, offering encouraging words and a strong embrace when the conductor gives his final cry of "All aboard". She boards and quickly finds a seat by the window, and her eyes lock with his, peering into each others' souls. She places her hand on the window as if to wave goodbye, and like a magnet, his hand is drawn to hers. Hands pressed together, separated by a thin pane of glass, they can almost feel each other's pulse, their hearts beating as one. The whistle blows, and the train begins its departure. Slowly, she is pulled from him. With his hand in place, he steps forward with the car. Her lips quiver ever so slightly, as the words "I love you" escape from her mouth. His head offers the faintest of nods, echoing her sentiments. His breath pours out of his nose in the cold, biting, night air, as he tries desperately to keep up with her, refusing to let go of the one love he knows he can never have. Unable to hold pace, he stops, yet his eyes have never left hers. A tear drops on to her cheek, and then she vanishes in to the darkness.
Now lets try the same scenario with a 1993 Ford Escort. Its a chilly night. It is time for our heroine to bid farewell to our hero. She gets in the Escort. His eyes glare in to hers, and she gives a nod of approval. He places his hand on the window, and begins to push the little hatchback forward. The sound of the ignition turning is quickly drowned out by Whitesnake's "Here I Go Again" crackling through the one functioning speaker. Their eyes remain locked, as he runs beside her, pushing her car in to the street. Finally, the engine pops, and the car starts. She slowly accelerates down the street. He whispers the word "Go" from his trembling lips while he trots a few steps further, if for nothing else but to keep warm, as she took his good flannel with her. Realizing she is gone, he takes a step back, pauses, and then begins to move towards his love again, afraid he'll have to pop start that piece of junk once more as she sits at the red light 50 yards ahead. I know there's no turn on red,but dammit just go! His walk to her escalates to a light jog, when at last she looks in all directions without seeing a cop, and drives right on red, and right out of his life.
Doesn't quite invoke the same type of emotion does it?
The Bad- Planes.
The actual physics of traveling by plane are not bad, as I can't be that crazy to say NY to LA in a few hours is worse than 3 days in a 1993 Ford Escort. But flying has its fair share of cons associated with it. Here are few areas I want to concentrate on.
In case you didn't know this, the moving walkway, or nerdier sounding horizontalator as it is also know as, is to assist people in a hurry to reach their destinations, not so lazy people can take a break of the strenuous activity of walking 30 feet. It kills me when I see a person in an obvious hurry trying to make up lost time hop on only to get caught in a standstill behind some people who view the moving walkway as a chance to become stationary and admire the small TGI Friday's, smoking lounges, and all the other sights you see scattered throughout the terminals. They are there for a reason, a good reason. There will be several hours to sit and relax on the plane. "But what about the elderly and disabled?" you ask. They should get their own travelator (another nerdy alias of the device). But any able bodied person caught slouching over the rail, impeding an other's progress should be struck with a cattle prod to keep the herd moving.
Maybe some people need to use the moving walkway because they are running late. Maybe they are using it so they can secure possession of the arm rest before anyone else. Its puzzling that its almost 2013 and armrests must still be an issue. Make them bigger already! Color the left side blue and the right side red, so each person has their territory marked, and get on with the handing out of the pretzels. Its really ridiculous when you consider all the advances in aviation in the last 100 years, and insufficient arm rest space still has not been properly address by any of the major airlines.
Also I really want to see a crash test dummy video of what exactly will happen to my body in the event of a crash if I don't return my seat to the full upright position. What type of additional damage can I expect if I am to be propelled forward an extra inch and half while already free falling from the sky at hundreds of miles per hour? Call me a pessimist, but I don't like my chances in either case.
The Ugly- Automobiles.
One man's junk is another man's treasure, which is why so many woody wagons were made in the 80's. But this is not a commentary on automobile design, Unless you are Amish, you probably can not imagine life without a car (and if you are Amish, I'm flattered you are reading this). The invention of the automobile led to the invention of automobile accessories. Beaded seat covers, trucker hats, and "Honk if You're Horny" bumper stickers would fade in to non-existence like Marty McFly if the automobile never were created. And I think if Henry Ford was alive today, he would be really impressed that we have developed the technology to replicate New Car smell and contain it on a small, pine tree shaped piece of cardboard.
But it hasn't been all good. Sometimes things get taken to far. I was dumbfounded the first time I saw a car driving through my neighborhood with the following:
On the Randomalities scale of Bad Ideas, with a 5 being "Giving Monkeys Blowtorches Bad", this rates as a 2 ( "Taking a road trip with Kathy Griffin Bad"). They are annoying and unattractive, and show a desperate need for attention. A 2 is a low number on the scale, based on its harmlessness, but a low score on the Randomalities Scale of Bad Ideas is still never ever anything to be proud of.
They better never ever put eyelashes on a train.
------------------------------------------------------------------------
Upcoming Randomalities:
- An Untapped Source of Horror
- The 2012 My-Randomalities-ies Awards
- maybe a blog on windmills.
-----------------------------------------------------------------------
Remember you can follow My-Randomalities on Facebook and receive up to the minute updates regarding the hottest new merchandise this holiday season, get mini & retro Randomalities, as well as experience the most random Shark Week of your life (the 1st full week of Dec).
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