The Rapture

Preface:
The purpose of this blog is for entertainment purposes only. While the topic I’m writing about, The (possibly pending) Rapture, can arouse several opinions, I respectfully do not care to hear yours on the matter. I am not here to invoke a religious debate.
　
Saturday, May 21, 2011 is the reported date of The Rapture. There is great debate as to whether this will in fact be the date the world ends. Rather than saying when it does or does not happen, I’ve been thinking about what if it does happen.

First off, I learned off this on the night of Thursday May 19. I wish I had known sooner. I would not have bothered mowing my lawn earlier that day. I also would have not have rushed to pay the water bill. If I have 2 days left on this earth, I could have spent that $45 in much more fun manner. Or at the very least, I should have used it to fill up the car with gas, so I can hop in and drive to Ohio to meet my wife (we both work that day, and she feels it would be best to head to her parents‘ house). I don’t know if she’s confused the Rapture with the Y2K doom, or if she just figures the Rapture will move east to west, and she’s trying to buy time for us.

I then thought about a game I used to play with some friends in high school. My friend Dale had a basketball hoop in his backyard. The “court” was flat but lumpy and covered grass- not ideal conditions for a game of hoops. So we would play “If I Make This…” a game that clearly was developed by a bunch of 17 year olds hopped up on testosterone. It was very similar to H-O-R-S-E. Except a missed shot wouldn’t earn you a letter. Basically, Player A proposes that if they make a shot, Player B has to do something humiliating or gross. Player B would have a chance at the same shot if it was made, thus canceling the shot. Player B could attempt to reverse his fate at any time of the game. I don’t seem to remember any of us really cashing in on these “debts” that were wagered. However there was one thing that always seemed to come up in conversation, even years later, that I never did. As silly as it is, I will not disclose what that thing was. However I guess with the pending Rapture, there’s no better time to finally get that monkey off my back.

So that’s one thing I was supposed to do by now. There‘s a few more things I haven‘t done before our alleged end of days that I thought I would have. Not many 17 year olds fulfill many of their goals. For example, I have never played centerfield for the New York Yankees. I did once run across the field at 3 Rivers Stadium after working a shift as security at a Pittsburgh Pirates game, so that will have to do.

I have never run a marathon. Ironically, there was one in Pittsburgh (where I live) 4 days prior to my learning of the pending doom. Typical. I did run a 5K last August, so I guess that will have to do.

I have never entered an official eating contest, although some may find that hard to believe the way I put down pizza. Once with a friend, one of the friends from the “If I Make This…” games, I engaged in a contest of drinking shots of maple syrup. So that will have to suffice. (I won by the way.)

I’ve never been on a game show. Seems a little late for that, unless the Four Horse Men of the Apocalypse take over Minute To Win It.

I don’t have a bowling alley in my house. I never snuck behind stage at a concert or onto a movie set using only my wits and a roll of Mentos. Skydiving? Not even close.

I’m sure if I thought long and hard about it, there are plenty other expectations of 17 year old Andy that 35 year old Andy didn’t meet. Some realistic, many ridiculous. All in all, 17 year old Andy would be happy going out tomorrow. He’s got the beautiful wife and children he would have wanted. In the end, that trumps all.

So if the ground opens, and balls of fire rain upon me, I’ll know I had a good run. I’ll run 26 miles if needed, and carry a roll Mentos with me just to be safe. But  that thing I was supposed to do from the basketball game, well it won’t help me in my Final Judgement, so looks like that will wait longer too.