I wouldn't exactly say the well has dried up, but I've had a tough time thinking of what exactly to blog about lately. Its not that I don't have ideas, its just with 4 kids, 2 dogs, a full time job, and trying to train for a 5K, I haven't given myself much time to expand upon those ideas. I asked my wife for a suggestion on a topic, and she recommended I write about baking soda. Given that my deadline to post a blog is Sunday night (I began my rough draft of this late Thursday night), I feel I would sell myself short and do my readers a disservice by hastily throwing something together about baking soda. That is a subject matter that requires hours of research, analytical processing, and thoughtful writing. So I ask for your patience. Trust me, you will get your baking soda blog.
So which idea should I try to make work in such a short amount of time? I was thinking last week about a gift exchange I was in at Christmas time. It was the White Elephant game, and the only requirement is your gift had to have the "AS SEEN ON TV " label. It was pretty fun, although nobody got stuck with a snuggie. But seeing some of the stuff that was exchanged, it really made me question the whole "Necessity is the father of invention" idea. Sure some of the items are practical, but doesn't the definition of necessity get skewed when there are things like the "ePad Electrolysis" device (I encourage you to look that up. The pic of the girl zapping her mustache is delightful) or the 'As Seen on TV Hat" (again, check out the video for that one. It made me laugh)? I wonder what Benjamin Franklin, inventor of the odometer, bifocals, and Daylight Savings Time would think if he saw some of the items on the As Seen On TV website. What would he think of the Supreme Moo Mixer ("Just add milk, chocolate, and imagination". Seriously?!), or the Perfect Meatloaf Maker? Maybe the Franklin household would have benefited from the Perfect Meatloaf Maker. I’ve heard Deborah Franklin's meatloaf was always dry. And just going by the pictures I've seen of her, she could of used an AH-BRA too. But I digress....
Its easy to take many great inventions for granted when we are bombarded with commercials for the aforementioned crap. Things like cell phones, microwaves, and elevators are great inventions, but they were not neccessary. But their impact on the world can not be discounted. I've been thinking about what are some of the most unappreciated inventions of all time. Of course I can pick anything and spin it as the most important invention ever. And then you could say anything else and prove it to be more important. So perhaps this will be a recurring topic. But for now, the two most important inventions ever, will be revealed in this blog. The first invention was critical to the evolution of man, the second to the evolution of the economy.
THE MOST IMPORTANT INVENTION OF ALL TIME #1- The Table.
"Are you kidding?", you ask, "A f@#$ing table is a better invention than (insert any of your favorite things)?". "Preposterous!", you may exclaim. "Pure and utter bull@#$", you may scream. "I don't need a table to eat a Whopper when I'm driving, and even you said you have a laptop, so no table needed there either", you could correctly point out. But before you get too fired up and begin taking out your anger on any nearby table, allow me to explain. Sure you could argue that without tables life would be a picnic. I would say you are correct, especially for chiropractors. But man found a need for tables, and with tables came progress.
Millions of years ago, cavemen would go out on their hunts and drag home the slain mammoths. In the cave, they would gather around the carcasses, sit on he ground, lean forward and eat their meals. This was detrimental in two ways. Eating off the ground left the food more vulnerable to bacteria, causing illness and decreasing the caveman population, as well as putting unnecessary strain on the cavemen’s' lower backs, as if carrying a dead mammoth back to the cave wasn't strain enough. Whether by accident or by design, someone invented a table (despite my best efforts, I could not find a credited inventor of the table). Since nobody has been credited with inventing the table, I'll just hypothetically say it was a caveman named Slog.
So one day Slog brings home a mammoth. Before the clan eats, Slog must break up some wood, bend down and start a fire. For many minutes, Slog diligently rubs two sticks together until finally he gets a spark. He begins to gather more wood from the pile. He adds more and more, until the cave is adequately heated and lit for the clan that night. Tired, hungry, and in a great deal of pain, he rests the piece of wood he was holding across two large rocks. Ara, Slog's loyal cavewomen, brings him a slab of meat and drops it on the ground before him. Slog sits and leans over to grab his food, but a sharp pain shoots up his back. He moans, drops his meat, and looks at it frustrated. When he sits upright, he feels fine. Leans forward, aches. He looks around the cave. All the other cave people are hunched over, and grunting in discomfort. He continues to scan the cave. And there he sees that wood, suspended over ground by the two rocks. He picks up his meat, and rests it on the wood. He straightens his back, and feels incredible relief. He begins to eat every meal at the wood and rocks. Ostracized at first (I'm just assuming cavemen weren’t very progressive thinkers and disliked change), they soon noticed Slog was a different caveman. He stood more upright, and appeared more confident, both on the hunts, and in the cave bedroom - good for you Ara ;). Others would follow Slog to this table to eat their dinners. Over time, their backs grew stronger, and their population's general health improved as their food wasn't contaminated by as much bacteria from the ground. The weaker but smarter cavemen, who always had to wait to get the last scraps of food, lived longer lives because they were eating cleaner cuts of meat. These improvements evolved, generation by generation, leading to the stronger, smarter, fully upright homo sapiens that inhabit the world today. A straight, strong back led man to do other great things, such as climb a ladder (try slumping over and climbing a ladder sometime).
The table itself would also evolve over time. Once a log over some rocks, it would later grow legs, 3 or 4 or more. And new uses for the table would be developed, such as playing poker, holding sewing machines (lets see you rest one of those on your lap, smart guy), or as a place to put magazines in the doctors' office. Of course, if tables were not invented, the magazines could just be placed on the floor, as your curved back posture would naturally have you staring at the floor at the doctors' office anyhow.
**Interesting side note- The 5 Second Rule was invented shortly after the table.**
THE MOST IMPORTANT INVENTION OF ALL TIME #2- The Arcade Token.
The arcade token is much more than a replica coin that will get you 3 lives in Pac-Man. Its development was a revolutionary concept in the American economy. "This guy has to be drunk. Its a stupid fake coin", you may be saying to yourself. Sure its value is limited, only functional within the walls of the arcade, but that is what makes it genius.
Picture pre-arcade token America: a young lad, Timmy, takes his $1 and goes for a walk. He sees a pinball machine, asks the arcade clerk to give him 4 quarters, and plays a round of pinball. After the game, he skips across the street and buys a nutty buddy with his remaining 75 cents, and doesn't even think of returning to the arcade.
Now lets examine the same scenario once the arcade tokens became the standard currency in arcades. And I'll even consider inflation, and give young Timmy $2. So there he is, strolling through town, with $2 in his pocket and not a care in the world. He sees this big machine with bright lights flashing in the arcade, and several other kids gathered around it. Naturally he has to see what all the fuss is about. As he draws closer, he reads the title of the game- Space Invaders. That title sounded similar to the movie his older brother saw when he got to second base (whatever that is) at the drive-in last Saturday night. Well his brother seemed to have enjoyed that space movie, so he should at least try his hand at this space game then too, he reasons. He asks the arcade clerk for change, who directs him to a token machine. He inserts one of his dollars, receives 4 odd looking coins, and walks over and deposits one into the game. After a few minutes, his game ends and he enters his 3 initials, claiming the 7th highest score, yet feels quite disappointed. His brother seemed so much more excited after "watching" a movie about an alien invasion than he did playing a game based on it. So Timmy again skips across the street seeking the comfort that can only come from a root beer float and curly fries. Such fine cuisine usually sets Timmy back $1.25, well within the day's budget. Yet when he attempts to pay, the waitress will not accept the silver coin with the gold center that Timmy received from the machine at the arcade. He tries to reason with her, stating he put in a dollar and received 4 of these coins, so in theory they are worth 25 cents apiece. But she still refuses them. Defeated, embarrassed, and pretty hungry, Timmy begrudgingly walks back across the street, and uses the 3 tokens to play 3 more rounds of Space Invaders (as the arcade clerk flashes a devilish grin). But there is a silver lining, Timmy get the 3rd highest score that day, and his initials would be proudly posted on the screen for a whole week, until 2 players, who initials were coincidentally S.E.X and A.S.S claimed all of the top ten high scores.
But the point is, the arcade token was a specialized non-transferable currency that could only be spent in one place. A child could exchange a dollar for 4 tokens, play a game, and if they did not enjoy themselves, they were on the hook for the full dollar. They would have to use all 4 tokens to get their money's worth. Talk about enabling an addiction. And then the scheme grew. You could exchange $1 for 4 tokens, or you could exchange a 5 dollar bill, and get 22 tokens. Talk about value! Even the dopiest kid can figure out what a deal that is. And its no extra cost to the arcade. They always get those tokens back anyway. Kids can take the tokens home, but they are only worth anything in the arcade and they've already been paid for anyways.
The effects of the advent inception of arcade coins are two-fold. Children who find their allowances replaced with pockets full of virtually worthless coins realize they need to take a little imitative if they want more tangible cash, and begin mowing their neighbors' lawns, shoveling driveways, etc. So children had to become entrepreneurial to support their habit.
And later the arcade token's bastard child would be born - the gift card. Its the same thing. You just graduated college and your grandma gives you a $30 gift card to The Olive Garden (about enough for 2 meals), which is a nice gesture. After all, she remembers you went to The Olive Garden when you were 12 and you loved it. But you would really rather have an actual $30 to spend on beer, or your car insurance payment, or even $30 worth of spaghetti to stuff your cupboards with (you’d get a hell lot more than 2 meals out of the $30 then). But you are now committed. That’s $30 that can only be spent within that building. While you are there, I hope you will take the time to appreciate the table you are dining at. I'm sure management at The Olive Garden does. Can you imagine all the lawsuits they would have encountered from people slipping on sauce if plates were placed on the floor?
[I hope you learned something by reading this blog. If nothing else, you should now understand why I titled my blog "My-Randomalities"]
Sunday, June 26, 2011
Saturday, June 18, 2011
Saturday's Little Known Facts #5
Only 1 is true.
- The Rocket Dancers graced the stage of Radio Music City Hall for years. However as more and more members went overseas to fight on WWII, the dancers' wives began to fill in. Audiences raved about the new "Rockette" dancers high-kicking routine, and they became a mainstay, permanently replacing their husbands even after their return from the war.
-Many of the details associated with Santa Claus were invented for a Coca Cola advertising campaign, in an effort to increase sales in the winter months.
- The Rocket Dancers graced the stage of Radio Music City Hall for years. However as more and more members went overseas to fight on WWII, the dancers' wives began to fill in. Audiences raved about the new "Rockette" dancers high-kicking routine, and they became a mainstay, permanently replacing their husbands even after their return from the war.
-Many of the details associated with Santa Claus were invented for a Coca Cola advertising campaign, in an effort to increase sales in the winter months.
Thursday, June 16, 2011
Lightning Round
Already my favorite castaway, ginger is now also my favorite smell.
I understand it wouldn’t be used often but I would like to nominate >} as the official emoticon for cleavage.
I’m sure its not just me but whenever I hear that song “Mmbop” by Hanson I just want to skip down the street, eating an ice cream cone. With F@#$ING SPRINKLES!
I think if he were still alive (hard not to get emotional right now), Fred Berry-Rerun on the TV show "Whats Happening", would have made an excellent judge on the show "So You Think You Can Dance".
I’m glad I wasn’t invited to the royal wedding. Sure, it was the social event of the season, but I couldn’t handle the stress of picking out a wedding gift. What do you get a prince and princess? I’m sure they don’t need a blender or a dust buster or a gravy boat. I can’t even imagine what was on their gift registry. A private island in the south Pacific? The Mona Lisa? And I wouldn’t want to take the easy way out and write a song. That’s something Elton John would do.
You ever look at that guy Russell Brand and think “Now that’s a guy I wouldn’t mind seeing being mauled by a bear? I do.
If my significant other ever approached me and said “We are going to be on the Jerry Springer Show”, I’d just pack my things and leave right then and there. I don’t want to be told whatever she’d have to say on TV, or quite frankly, hear it at all.
And speaking of the Jerry Springer Show, I’m hopeful there will be a day where legislation is passed where guests are spade or neutered immediately after their appearance. If not all, then at least just the men who are in love with a cross dresser, and claim to have never noticed she was a he, even after being intimate. That type of stupidity or disregard for the truth should not be bred.
How bad to do you think the outfits are that Lady Gaga rejects?
When ever someone says “they” in a statement, such as “They say keeping your wallet in your back pocket causes lower back pain” or “They say it takes Styrofoam 1 million years to decompose”, I think it’s a fairly safe assumption that “They” are the Russians.
I understand it wouldn’t be used often but I would like to nominate >} as the official emoticon for cleavage.
I’m sure its not just me but whenever I hear that song “Mmbop” by Hanson I just want to skip down the street, eating an ice cream cone. With F@#$ING SPRINKLES!
I think if he were still alive (hard not to get emotional right now), Fred Berry-Rerun on the TV show "Whats Happening", would have made an excellent judge on the show "So You Think You Can Dance".
I’m glad I wasn’t invited to the royal wedding. Sure, it was the social event of the season, but I couldn’t handle the stress of picking out a wedding gift. What do you get a prince and princess? I’m sure they don’t need a blender or a dust buster or a gravy boat. I can’t even imagine what was on their gift registry. A private island in the south Pacific? The Mona Lisa? And I wouldn’t want to take the easy way out and write a song. That’s something Elton John would do.
You ever look at that guy Russell Brand and think “Now that’s a guy I wouldn’t mind seeing being mauled by a bear? I do.
If my significant other ever approached me and said “We are going to be on the Jerry Springer Show”, I’d just pack my things and leave right then and there. I don’t want to be told whatever she’d have to say on TV, or quite frankly, hear it at all.
And speaking of the Jerry Springer Show, I’m hopeful there will be a day where legislation is passed where guests are spade or neutered immediately after their appearance. If not all, then at least just the men who are in love with a cross dresser, and claim to have never noticed she was a he, even after being intimate. That type of stupidity or disregard for the truth should not be bred.
How bad to do you think the outfits are that Lady Gaga rejects?
When ever someone says “they” in a statement, such as “They say keeping your wallet in your back pocket causes lower back pain” or “They say it takes Styrofoam 1 million years to decompose”, I think it’s a fairly safe assumption that “They” are the Russians.
Tuesday, June 14, 2011
The Five People You Meet In Hell
A few nights ago, I watched the movie “The Five People You Meet in Heaven”, and it was just as good as I had been told it would be. In the story, a man dies and meets five different people, and gains a new perspective of his life. So I’ve been thinking, if everyone meets five people when they go to Heaven, then surely they must do the same if they go to Hell.
In “The Five People You Meet in Heaven”, Eddie, the protagonist, visits the five people in their different heavens. I don’t picture Hell as a fiery cavern where people are tied to a wall and tortured for eternity. I think of Hell as being similar to the real world; people have houses and jobs to go to. I’m sure there is a great deal of physical torture scheduled daily, but I also think there is a great deal of mental and emotional punishment that people must deal with everyday, and these five people do just that, pushing you to the brink.
This is not an essay on the five worst people of all time. I’m sure Adolf Hitler, Pol Pot, Osama Bin Laden, etc are all down there. I like to think that Satan operates with a sense of poetic justice ( I would if I ran Hell), and Bin Laden, for example, would reside in the Mecca of everything that’s wrong with Western civilization, New York City, working at a Best Buy, selling plasma TV’s, cell phones, and romantic comedies starring Hugh Grant to an endless line of capitalist American infidels, and the only place nearby he can go on his lunch break is Hooters.
Now I like to believe I’ve led a good, moral life, and have a better shot at Heaven than Hell, but for the purposes of this blog, I’ll use my model of Hell. You may have some variations, but I think you’d agree mine would be no picnic.
I picture life in Hell to be routine. Every morning when the alarm clock goes off, Train is playing on the radio (usually “Soul Sister”). The hot water in the shower runs out the second you put shampoo in your hair, and as you rush to rinse it out, you always get some in your eyes. The weatherman always says it will be sunny and 75, and the second you walk out your door its 45 with golf ball sized hail. You get every red light. Every year the Dallas Cowboys play the New England Patriots in the Super Bowl. The only sports announcers are Dick Vitale, Tim McCarver, and John Madden. David Caruso is the best actor in Hell. The radio stations play 1 song, then 20 commercials, all of which are the annoying car dealership commercials where the “host“ interviews a salesman and is shocked by all the fabulous deals available. And dating in Hell is an absolute nightmare. Trust me, there is no one you would want to bring home to meet your mother.
In Hell, you work a 12 hour shift at a job you detest, followed by 12 hours of excruciatingly painful torture. Oh but don't worry, thats not the whole day. The days in Hell are longer - 26 hours. So in the time in between torture and work, and the 2 hours of free time, you encounter the five people you meet in Hell. They are no worse than you- remember you’re there for a reason too. But after all the beatings, lashings, and burnings, after all the crap you deal with at your awful job, these people touch your very last nerve.
#1- The Lottery Whore: You are on your way to your torture, and notice the gas tank is a little low, and since the price of gas has just dropped down to $38/gal, you decide to fill up now. You go inside to pay, but are stuck behind the Lottery Whore. Of course playing the lottery in Hell is risky business, but this person seems to think winning will lead to a better life in Hell, which is foolish, considered its run by the devil. But still he plays religiously. He seems to have a never ending scroll of numbers. 456, 298, 444, 128, 128 boxed….on and on he goes, spouting out numbers as if he is reciting pi to the thousandth decimal place. And you wait, holding exact change for your gas, trying to get the clerk’s attention so you can drop the money on the counter and go, but then the lottery whore requests the clerk read each number back to him because he insists one was missed. Thanks to him, you will be 10 minutes late to your torture session. And every minute you are late equals an extra hour of torture.
#2 - The Ungrateful Driver: You have the right of way, and even though you are late, you yield and let them go first. It is irritating enough that they do not appreciate the gesture enough to acknowledge it with a thank you wave, flick of the headlights, or honk of the horn. But its really infuriating when they pass you and give you a dirty look as if you are blatantly violating the most basic rules of traffic rather than being kind. And that little hold up cost you a chance to get ahead of the garbage truck, which you are now stuck behind for the rest of your commute.
#3- The One-Upper: This guy is always around. At work. Tied to a post next to you as you get caned. In his ears, his voice sounds like a symphony, his stories Shakespearean, and as such he feels the need to delight others with it. It does not matter the conversation topic, he always has something better. One guy says he died in a car accident. He says he was run over by a steamroller. And realism never is a factor with this guy. He’ll always say something more outrageous and absurd. You know a guy who died from a rattlesnake bite? Two sharks played tug of war with his cousin. Your brother was sight seeing and fell off the Eiffel Tower? His buddy was running with the bulls in Pamplona when a gas tanker spilled and caught fire on one of the streets, and he was trampled and gored by 30 angry, blazing bulls.
#4- The On Sale Only Stickler: You stop at the grocery store to pick up some bacterial band-aids (because they don’t sell anti-bacterial band-aids in Hell) to stop the bleeding from the day’s torture. There is only 1 register open, and you are behind one of these clowns. He has his shopping flyer open, and questions the cashier to be sure each sale item is being rang up under the proper sale price. Half the items do not scan at the sale price. He says “that can of tuna is supposed to be 99 cents, not $1.09”, and points to it in the flyer. The cashier points out the Bumble Bee tuna is on sale, not the Chicken of the Sea tuna which was on the shelf right next to it. “Well I don’t want it then”, he says. Eight cans of cat food are scanned, but at regular price. “Why?” he asks. “You need to buy 10 cans for the discount.”, replies the cashier. “Nah, forget it, I don’t want them then”, he angrily snaps. (Poor cat) Apparently you and all the blood dripping from your abdomen are invisible, as well as the 11 other people standing in line behind you. Finally the cashier gets through the order, and the person purchases only 5 out of the 20 items they had in the cart. Now he goes to pay with a check (seriously, who still pays with a check?!!). And of course he can not find his id. Meanwhile you grow light headed from the blood loss.
#5 - Kids Who Don’t Dress Up on Halloween”: Fittingly, Halloween is the only holiday celebrated in Hell. But you have plenty of children coming to your house with empty pillowcases and no costumes asking for candy. What the hell is up with that?!!!! Seriously, I can’t stand that! Dressing up is the whole point of Halloween. I don’t care if you half-ass a costume and just paint your face white, put on a rainbow colored wig, or put your dad’s clothes on, do something! Throw a freaking sheet over yourself and pretend you are a ghost- I’ll play along. “Ooo what a spooky ghost” I‘ll say, and then gladly hand over a bag of Skittles. But they won’t even do that. Is it really too much to ask for a little effort and participation? But you have to give these kids candy, because costume or no costume, they’re still kids, and its still Halloween. And if you don’t, they’ll remember you, and next year your house will be pelted with eggs, and your trees covered with toilet paper. And I am not spending my 2 free hours of a day in Hell cleaning up that mess.
In “The Five People You Meet in Heaven”, Eddie, the protagonist, visits the five people in their different heavens. I don’t picture Hell as a fiery cavern where people are tied to a wall and tortured for eternity. I think of Hell as being similar to the real world; people have houses and jobs to go to. I’m sure there is a great deal of physical torture scheduled daily, but I also think there is a great deal of mental and emotional punishment that people must deal with everyday, and these five people do just that, pushing you to the brink.
This is not an essay on the five worst people of all time. I’m sure Adolf Hitler, Pol Pot, Osama Bin Laden, etc are all down there. I like to think that Satan operates with a sense of poetic justice ( I would if I ran Hell), and Bin Laden, for example, would reside in the Mecca of everything that’s wrong with Western civilization, New York City, working at a Best Buy, selling plasma TV’s, cell phones, and romantic comedies starring Hugh Grant to an endless line of capitalist American infidels, and the only place nearby he can go on his lunch break is Hooters.
Now I like to believe I’ve led a good, moral life, and have a better shot at Heaven than Hell, but for the purposes of this blog, I’ll use my model of Hell. You may have some variations, but I think you’d agree mine would be no picnic.
I picture life in Hell to be routine. Every morning when the alarm clock goes off, Train is playing on the radio (usually “Soul Sister”). The hot water in the shower runs out the second you put shampoo in your hair, and as you rush to rinse it out, you always get some in your eyes. The weatherman always says it will be sunny and 75, and the second you walk out your door its 45 with golf ball sized hail. You get every red light. Every year the Dallas Cowboys play the New England Patriots in the Super Bowl. The only sports announcers are Dick Vitale, Tim McCarver, and John Madden. David Caruso is the best actor in Hell. The radio stations play 1 song, then 20 commercials, all of which are the annoying car dealership commercials where the “host“ interviews a salesman and is shocked by all the fabulous deals available. And dating in Hell is an absolute nightmare. Trust me, there is no one you would want to bring home to meet your mother.
In Hell, you work a 12 hour shift at a job you detest, followed by 12 hours of excruciatingly painful torture. Oh but don't worry, thats not the whole day. The days in Hell are longer - 26 hours. So in the time in between torture and work, and the 2 hours of free time, you encounter the five people you meet in Hell. They are no worse than you- remember you’re there for a reason too. But after all the beatings, lashings, and burnings, after all the crap you deal with at your awful job, these people touch your very last nerve.
#1- The Lottery Whore: You are on your way to your torture, and notice the gas tank is a little low, and since the price of gas has just dropped down to $38/gal, you decide to fill up now. You go inside to pay, but are stuck behind the Lottery Whore. Of course playing the lottery in Hell is risky business, but this person seems to think winning will lead to a better life in Hell, which is foolish, considered its run by the devil. But still he plays religiously. He seems to have a never ending scroll of numbers. 456, 298, 444, 128, 128 boxed….on and on he goes, spouting out numbers as if he is reciting pi to the thousandth decimal place. And you wait, holding exact change for your gas, trying to get the clerk’s attention so you can drop the money on the counter and go, but then the lottery whore requests the clerk read each number back to him because he insists one was missed. Thanks to him, you will be 10 minutes late to your torture session. And every minute you are late equals an extra hour of torture.
#2 - The Ungrateful Driver: You have the right of way, and even though you are late, you yield and let them go first. It is irritating enough that they do not appreciate the gesture enough to acknowledge it with a thank you wave, flick of the headlights, or honk of the horn. But its really infuriating when they pass you and give you a dirty look as if you are blatantly violating the most basic rules of traffic rather than being kind. And that little hold up cost you a chance to get ahead of the garbage truck, which you are now stuck behind for the rest of your commute.
#3- The One-Upper: This guy is always around. At work. Tied to a post next to you as you get caned. In his ears, his voice sounds like a symphony, his stories Shakespearean, and as such he feels the need to delight others with it. It does not matter the conversation topic, he always has something better. One guy says he died in a car accident. He says he was run over by a steamroller. And realism never is a factor with this guy. He’ll always say something more outrageous and absurd. You know a guy who died from a rattlesnake bite? Two sharks played tug of war with his cousin. Your brother was sight seeing and fell off the Eiffel Tower? His buddy was running with the bulls in Pamplona when a gas tanker spilled and caught fire on one of the streets, and he was trampled and gored by 30 angry, blazing bulls.
#4- The On Sale Only Stickler: You stop at the grocery store to pick up some bacterial band-aids (because they don’t sell anti-bacterial band-aids in Hell) to stop the bleeding from the day’s torture. There is only 1 register open, and you are behind one of these clowns. He has his shopping flyer open, and questions the cashier to be sure each sale item is being rang up under the proper sale price. Half the items do not scan at the sale price. He says “that can of tuna is supposed to be 99 cents, not $1.09”, and points to it in the flyer. The cashier points out the Bumble Bee tuna is on sale, not the Chicken of the Sea tuna which was on the shelf right next to it. “Well I don’t want it then”, he says. Eight cans of cat food are scanned, but at regular price. “Why?” he asks. “You need to buy 10 cans for the discount.”, replies the cashier. “Nah, forget it, I don’t want them then”, he angrily snaps. (Poor cat) Apparently you and all the blood dripping from your abdomen are invisible, as well as the 11 other people standing in line behind you. Finally the cashier gets through the order, and the person purchases only 5 out of the 20 items they had in the cart. Now he goes to pay with a check (seriously, who still pays with a check?!!). And of course he can not find his id. Meanwhile you grow light headed from the blood loss.
#5 - Kids Who Don’t Dress Up on Halloween”: Fittingly, Halloween is the only holiday celebrated in Hell. But you have plenty of children coming to your house with empty pillowcases and no costumes asking for candy. What the hell is up with that?!!!! Seriously, I can’t stand that! Dressing up is the whole point of Halloween. I don’t care if you half-ass a costume and just paint your face white, put on a rainbow colored wig, or put your dad’s clothes on, do something! Throw a freaking sheet over yourself and pretend you are a ghost- I’ll play along. “Ooo what a spooky ghost” I‘ll say, and then gladly hand over a bag of Skittles. But they won’t even do that. Is it really too much to ask for a little effort and participation? But you have to give these kids candy, because costume or no costume, they’re still kids, and its still Halloween. And if you don’t, they’ll remember you, and next year your house will be pelted with eggs, and your trees covered with toilet paper. And I am not spending my 2 free hours of a day in Hell cleaning up that mess.
Saturday, June 11, 2011
Saturday's Little Known Facts #4
Only 1 is true.
- Beethoven composed "The Farmer in the Dell" as a way to mock a contemporary rival.
- Mozart is credited for composing "Twinkle Twinkle Little Star".
- Beethoven composed "The Farmer in the Dell" as a way to mock a contemporary rival.
- Mozart is credited for composing "Twinkle Twinkle Little Star".
Sunday, June 5, 2011
The Ever Growing List of Carcinogens
Preface- These blogs are meant to be in good fun. I have been fortunate that none of my loved ones have been effected by cancer. I could see how this topic could strike a nerve with some if they have lost someone important to them due to cancer. I'm not trying to be insensitive towards anyone. As I've said, if I can get a chuckle out of you then I will consider it a success, and as long as you don't strike your monitor cursing my name, then I have not failed.
I went online the other day and one of the first headlines I read on my homepage was "WHO (World Health Organization) links pickles to cancer". It certainly got my attention, especially since I was two bites into my turkey sandwich, which had many pickles on it. As it turned out, remote parts of China and South Korea have seen a large number of incidents of esophageal cancer in the last 50 years. The people in these regions rely on eating pickled vegetables for a portion of the year, and it is the canning process used over there that is leading to the carcinogens being produced. So you need not dash to the fridge and toss out the Vlasic's, because the pickling process used in the US is different, and until further notice, safe. But kudos to the person who wrote the headline. You almost got me to spit out my food, which really takes a lot.
The link between pickled vegetables and cancer is just another addition to a seemingly never ending list of carcinogens. Seems like everyday there's a report of a new hazard. We all knew that smoking was bad, just as standing in front of a microwave is, or swimming in a river that's been polluted with industrial waste is, or chewing on a battery is, etc. But just last week the WHO reported a possible link between cellphones and cancer. I'm hardly surprised by this. There's got to be some pretty funky stuff inside to get those little things to do all that they do. Our advances in technology may be our downfall. All those satellites in space have to be beaming more than text messages and Jersey Shore (also harmful to our if you ask me) down upon us. Computers can't be much better. They have similar technology. But these things have become a part of our normal lives, and we only go forward. So I won't rush to invest the family savings in a company that manufacturers landline telephones. And it will probably be only a matter of time before one company features the "Chemo Therapy" app, thus solving the problem it has created.
I've heard a few people say drinking out of aluminum cans causes cancer. While I'm not a chemist, I can understand the science in that one too. Certain materials pose certain hazards. What surprises me is that in the cut throat business of soda sales, not one company has abandoned aluminum packaging altogether as a way to be more appealing than the competition. Think about the ad campaigns we'd see if one company solely sold their product in plastic - "Drink Pepsi. Live Pepsi.......no seriously, Coke will kill you".
And then there was the day I saw on CNN that there is a link between oral sex and cancer (imagine being in that study group). I saw this report briefly so I do not know which scientists did the research, if it was conducted by scientists at all, or if its just propaganda from Reverend Shaw Moore from Beaumont (Footloose reference if you didn't catch it). I did not hear whether you were more at risk giving or receiving, but 93% of men said they are willing to take their chances. This whole report did strike me as odd. It just seemed kind of random to me. Cancer can be caused by prolonged exposure to carcinogens and/or habitual unhealthy behavior. What if the people in these reports are just a big group of lonely men, who when questioned by their doctors if they have any unusual habitual behaviors, get embarrassed, and lie. Perhaps when they hear the C word, they are overcome with emotion, and denial instantly takes over. Maybe they've all been telling their doctors it must be from all the oral sex they had with their girlfriends, who the doctor wouldn't know, because they live in Canada, or at least out of state. It sure would sound better than sitting in their basement for 5 hours 6 nights a week with their laptop, a bluetooth cellphone attached to their ear so they can talk nerd-smack to their friends as the play "Wizard's Revenge" online, drinking a several cans of soda, and eating pickled vegetables.
And with that, I have just realized I've been sitting here with my laptop for quite sometime. No links yet, but I want to stay ahead of the game. Plus there's a BOTTLED beer in the fridge with my name on it.
I went online the other day and one of the first headlines I read on my homepage was "WHO (World Health Organization) links pickles to cancer". It certainly got my attention, especially since I was two bites into my turkey sandwich, which had many pickles on it. As it turned out, remote parts of China and South Korea have seen a large number of incidents of esophageal cancer in the last 50 years. The people in these regions rely on eating pickled vegetables for a portion of the year, and it is the canning process used over there that is leading to the carcinogens being produced. So you need not dash to the fridge and toss out the Vlasic's, because the pickling process used in the US is different, and until further notice, safe. But kudos to the person who wrote the headline. You almost got me to spit out my food, which really takes a lot.
The link between pickled vegetables and cancer is just another addition to a seemingly never ending list of carcinogens. Seems like everyday there's a report of a new hazard. We all knew that smoking was bad, just as standing in front of a microwave is, or swimming in a river that's been polluted with industrial waste is, or chewing on a battery is, etc. But just last week the WHO reported a possible link between cellphones and cancer. I'm hardly surprised by this. There's got to be some pretty funky stuff inside to get those little things to do all that they do. Our advances in technology may be our downfall. All those satellites in space have to be beaming more than text messages and Jersey Shore (also harmful to our if you ask me) down upon us. Computers can't be much better. They have similar technology. But these things have become a part of our normal lives, and we only go forward. So I won't rush to invest the family savings in a company that manufacturers landline telephones. And it will probably be only a matter of time before one company features the "Chemo Therapy" app, thus solving the problem it has created.
I've heard a few people say drinking out of aluminum cans causes cancer. While I'm not a chemist, I can understand the science in that one too. Certain materials pose certain hazards. What surprises me is that in the cut throat business of soda sales, not one company has abandoned aluminum packaging altogether as a way to be more appealing than the competition. Think about the ad campaigns we'd see if one company solely sold their product in plastic - "Drink Pepsi. Live Pepsi.......no seriously, Coke will kill you".
And then there was the day I saw on CNN that there is a link between oral sex and cancer (imagine being in that study group). I saw this report briefly so I do not know which scientists did the research, if it was conducted by scientists at all, or if its just propaganda from Reverend Shaw Moore from Beaumont (Footloose reference if you didn't catch it). I did not hear whether you were more at risk giving or receiving, but 93% of men said they are willing to take their chances. This whole report did strike me as odd. It just seemed kind of random to me. Cancer can be caused by prolonged exposure to carcinogens and/or habitual unhealthy behavior. What if the people in these reports are just a big group of lonely men, who when questioned by their doctors if they have any unusual habitual behaviors, get embarrassed, and lie. Perhaps when they hear the C word, they are overcome with emotion, and denial instantly takes over. Maybe they've all been telling their doctors it must be from all the oral sex they had with their girlfriends, who the doctor wouldn't know, because they live in Canada, or at least out of state. It sure would sound better than sitting in their basement for 5 hours 6 nights a week with their laptop, a bluetooth cellphone attached to their ear so they can talk nerd-smack to their friends as the play "Wizard's Revenge" online, drinking a several cans of soda, and eating pickled vegetables.
And with that, I have just realized I've been sitting here with my laptop for quite sometime. No links yet, but I want to stay ahead of the game. Plus there's a BOTTLED beer in the fridge with my name on it.
Saturday, June 4, 2011
Saturday's Little Known Fact #3
Only 1 is true:
Hippo's milk is pink.
If you shaved a leopard, you would see that its skin has yellow spots.
Hippo's milk is pink.
If you shaved a leopard, you would see that its skin has yellow spots.
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