The arrival of autumn brings both the mating season and hunting season of several animals. Its a Darwinian tug of war, as one species attempts to increase its population while another tries to lower it. During the rut, deer-the main attraction for most hunters- are much more active and less cautious since they are all hopped up on hormones, with a Propagate-Or-Bust attitude.
The Texas Parks and Wildlife Department did an extensive study on white-tailed deer. The study showed does go through estrous cycles 28 days apart. They may be attracted to bucks for a period of 5 days, but only willing to reproduce during one 2 hour period within those 5 days (teases). Bucks on the other hand, like males of most species, are always ready to go.
Mating season is a interesting biological phenomena. Surely at some point in time, humans had a mating season. Early man probably knew that having offspring during a certain season greatly improved its chances for survival. As man evolved, the mating season stretched longer and longer to the point where it was no longer a season at all. It could have been due to any number of reasons, such as climate change, advances in horticulture, or the advent of alcohol.
And with mating season amongst people being phased out, the world changed dramatically. But what if humans had a mating season this very day? What if every fall humans had an overwhelming instinctual urge to reproduce? Imagine how different the world would be...
In most animals, the number one priority during mating is procreation. I'll assume the human race can remain a bit more civilized. I'm not suggesting meaningful, loving relationships wouldn't exist, nor am I foretelling a story of a world where people are transformed into a zombie like population, walking around in a pheromone induced haze. But their sex drives would be heightened to "Drunk Frat Boy" level. And drunk frat boys' sex drive would be elevated to "Rabbits On Some Really Good Ecstasy" level.
First, there is the economic effect. Nine months of hormonally balanced people would lead to much more focus at work and greater productivity for 75% of the year. But there are quite a few businesses that would suffer if people only thought about sex for those three months. What are year round businesses in our current world would be sweating things out until their busy season begins in late September, like lingerie and cologne manufacturers, the people at Pfizer, and the entire porn industry.
Bucks are more active in times of low light, during their mating season. Low or no light has played a crucial part in many, many, many, many, many hookups. Many. Seriously, its like a huge number. Same goes for alcohol. So I would expect bars to stay open until sunrise during our mating season. The fast and shameless moments of debauchery that college students traditionally experience and regret if they are able to remember on Spring Break would take place on Fall Break. Las Vegas' drive-thru wedding chapels would notice a spike in business in the autumn months, for those whose pending physical relationship also has a strong, emotional relationship.
The NFL, which gets a significant amount of attention from the general male population, would most likely need to change its season start date to sometime in January, as opposed to September. As much as men love football, there's one thing we love more, and if there's only one time we can get it, football will lose out. In fact all sports seasons would need to be run sometime between January and August. Of course watching sports will be challenge even still, what with all the birthday parties to go to in the spring and summer.
The entertainment world would be effected too. Summer time, particularly Memorial Day and the 4th of July, are key dates for the releases of the biggest blockbusters - usually high budget action films. I suspect movie studios would similarly go all out with the production of romantic comedies during Labor Day and Columbus Day weekends. Its very easy to predict Rihanna's new sex driven anthem dominating the radio waves at some point in the fall. And in the winter, when the romance and the "romance" has died down, Taylor Swift's latest break up song will replace it at Number 1.
And then there's Valentine's Day.
There is great variance in the interpretation of the day. If you think otherwise, next Valentine's Day pop in at the nearest fine dining establishment and notice the mode of decorum of the patrons. Afterwards, head to a bar. Any bar. There is a significant difference in the behavior in the two places. If there was a mating season, Valentine's Day would generally be celebrated in the fashion stated in the former, not the latter. It truly would be a day about true love.
But those people in that bar will still get their day. There is a day similar to Valentine's Day in the fall that receives far less fanfare. Sweetest Day, which falls on the third Saturday of October, would be the make-it-or-break-it day of mating season. The cheesy pick up line spouting, tight shirt wearing, enough cologne to give an elephant a headache wearing, men who bought a stash of roses from a guy in the parking lot hoping he will find a woman either dumb, drunk, and/or desperate enough to succumb to his advances will not be present though. He will be replaced by cheesy pick up line spouting, tight shirt wearing, enough cologne to give an elephant a headache wearing, men who bought a stash of chrysanthemums from a guy in the parking lot hoping he will find a woman either dumb, drunk, and/or desperate enough to succumb to his advances, as that particular hardy flower is in season in the fall, and in much more supply. The rose, an icon for romance for romance for seemingly forever, would be kicked to the symbolism curb.
And the women in the bar will have a more accepting attitude of such immature, and obviously insincere wooing by these men. As awful, creepy, or just plain lame as some of these guys may seem, the attention must be nice. However, this time there would be a biological obligation to select one of these chest thumping alpha male wannabes. The ball will still be in the females' court, so they'd have the right to be choosy, at least for a while. Can you imagine what awkward offspring the last two misfits standing would yield?
Well, they say there's no timetable for love. Its probably a good thing there's no timetable for getting some lovin' either.
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PHOTO CONTEST: I am working diligently(-ish) on the production of a My-Randomalities calendar, highlighting many of the great days like the ones in the Save The Date blog that most calendars curiously choose to ignore.
Of course, I will need 12 photos. So I'm having a photo contest for the (almost) centerfold. Send me your pic of you "Randomality-ing" (reading my blog with a paper bag over your head in normal, strange, or random situations), and the person with the best photo will be dubbed Mr or Mrs Randomality, and get a spread during May, the month I began this silliness.
Perhaps this will become the next Internet fad, like planking or owling. Well, probably not.
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Upcoming Randomalities:
-The Character of LIncoln
- maybe a blog on windmills
Showing posts with label humor. Show all posts
Showing posts with label humor. Show all posts
Sunday, November 25, 2012
Sunday, October 7, 2012
Happy Columbus Day....or Not.
Tomorrow, Monday October 8, 2012, is Columbus Day. Personally, I haven't cared about Columbus Day since 1994, the last time I had the day off from school. Now I only celebrate the holiday by walking out to the mailbox at least 5 times, cursing my lazy son of bitch mailman before I realize what day it is. But Columbus, and the significance of the holiday came up recently in a conversation with a friend* after my family and I took a tour of replicas of the Nina and Santa Maria.
A little history refresher: in 1492 Columbus sailed the ocean blue. Of course you probably already knew at least that, unless you are 3, in which case these aren't the Sunday funnies you are probably looking for (sorry kid, not many pictures here to look at). You should know the rest of the story- man travels across the sea looking for an easy route to the Orient, seeking spices, finds the Americas, brings disease, enslaves the indigenous people, which leads to more European nations to sail west and colonize, spread even more diseases, steal land, bring over new people to enslave, battle over the right to own slaves, head further west to steal more land, add insult to the native people whose land was stolen by carving the faces of four white men into a mountain, etc etc etc until the landscape of this country was transformed from open fields of green, and thick forests to a land of pavement, speckled with Wal-Marts, Starbucks, and baseball stadiums sitting next to football stadiums.
Now my friend focused on all those things, which really are not things that should be celebrated. But what's done is done, and its not like we can change things. But the more I thought about it, a whole new set of questions were raised as to why we have a Columbus Day.
Whats funny about this (not wiffleball bat to the junk funny, but funny still) is how a man who was technically wrong, and so strongly refused to admit it, gets so much credit. I understand he was sailing uncharted waters, and didn't have a wife to nag him to stop and ask directions to China, not that there was a gas station somewhere in the Atlantic that he could have done so anyway, but you'd think after awhile he'd fess up to not exactly doing what he said he would. I mean, it worked out to be a pretty profitable mistake regardless. I also wonder how bad food was back in the 1400 and 1500's that men would risk so much just for some spices. I mean, I like flavor too, but it was also widely believed the world was flat at that time. I rather my turnips be a bit bland than sail off into oblivion.
Columbus Day was primarily celebrated on the centennial anniversaries until Colorado became the first state to make it an annual holiday in 1906,which makes perfect sense, given its proximity to the Bahamas (where Columbus actually landed), a mere 384 years prior to Colorado being granted statehood. In 1937, it became a federal holiday. However it is not recognized in all 50 states. Hawaii celebrates Discoveries Day (honoring its Polynesian discoverers), and South Dakota celebrates Native American's Day (surely that makes up for everything) on the same day as Columbus Day. And if you mention Columbus Day in Alaska they'll probably point to the land bridge in the Bering Sea and look at you like you're crazy. And this is from people who live in houses made out of blocks of ice!
Then there is Wisconsin. The good people of the cheese state marked October 9th as Leif Ericson Day in 1930, and 7 other states would follow suit. After all, Ericson arrived in North America about 500 years before Columbus. He never has received the recognition or fanfare Columbus has though, since his discovery did not lead to mass colonization. In 1925, President Calvin Coolidge declared Ericson as the discovered of the America's ( and now you know 1 thing about Calvin Coolidge). But still Ericson's feat has never been met with much fanfare, unless you consider the Minnesota Vikings as an homage to him. The trouble with Wisconsin however is, they celebrate both Columbus and Leif Ericson Day. And when it works out like it does this year, with Columbus Day coming first on the calendar, it sure does steal some of Ericson's thunder. They should just pick a side and observe only one. Its like rooting for both teams in the Super Bowl, you know. Let's work on that one, okay Wisconsin?
So how will you spend you Columbus Day? There are big celebrations in the Italian villages of cities like Cleveland, San Francisco, and Boston. I'm certainly all for a group of people honoring one of their own and their ethnic heritage. But otherwise Columbus Day is pretty lame. And I feel bad for people whose birthdays fall on Columbus Day, and have to wait another day for their $10 check from grandma to arrive. This really is just a way for the fat cats in Washington to get another day off.
If you truly want to capture the spirit of Columbus Day, this is what you should do - set out to go somewhere that you have never been before without a map or asking for directions, sneeze on a resident of wherever you actually end up, eat some Chinese food (as Columbus had hoped to do), then return home and tell everyone what a smashing success your day was. That's what Columbus Day is all about.
In all seriousness, having set foot on the 2 replicas of Columbus' ships, I can say what he did truly was an accomplishment. The boats were incredibly small. The Nina had 1 cabin below deck, for Columbus only. His crew of 20 men slept on the crowded hard wood deck, constantly getting wet as water splashed on them. The fact that this fleet made multiple voyages is quite amazing.
And you can take that to the bank! Just not tomorrow. Its Columbus Day. The bank will be closed.
Upcoming Randomalities:
-The Character of Lincoln
-The Grand and Awkward In Your Face Physiology of the Sneeze
-The 2012 My Randomalities-ies Awards
A little history refresher: in 1492 Columbus sailed the ocean blue. Of course you probably already knew at least that, unless you are 3, in which case these aren't the Sunday funnies you are probably looking for (sorry kid, not many pictures here to look at). You should know the rest of the story- man travels across the sea looking for an easy route to the Orient, seeking spices, finds the Americas, brings disease, enslaves the indigenous people, which leads to more European nations to sail west and colonize, spread even more diseases, steal land, bring over new people to enslave, battle over the right to own slaves, head further west to steal more land, add insult to the native people whose land was stolen by carving the faces of four white men into a mountain, etc etc etc until the landscape of this country was transformed from open fields of green, and thick forests to a land of pavement, speckled with Wal-Marts, Starbucks, and baseball stadiums sitting next to football stadiums.
Now my friend focused on all those things, which really are not things that should be celebrated. But what's done is done, and its not like we can change things. But the more I thought about it, a whole new set of questions were raised as to why we have a Columbus Day.
Whats funny about this (not wiffleball bat to the junk funny, but funny still) is how a man who was technically wrong, and so strongly refused to admit it, gets so much credit. I understand he was sailing uncharted waters, and didn't have a wife to nag him to stop and ask directions to China, not that there was a gas station somewhere in the Atlantic that he could have done so anyway, but you'd think after awhile he'd fess up to not exactly doing what he said he would. I mean, it worked out to be a pretty profitable mistake regardless. I also wonder how bad food was back in the 1400 and 1500's that men would risk so much just for some spices. I mean, I like flavor too, but it was also widely believed the world was flat at that time. I rather my turnips be a bit bland than sail off into oblivion.
Columbus Day was primarily celebrated on the centennial anniversaries until Colorado became the first state to make it an annual holiday in 1906,which makes perfect sense, given its proximity to the Bahamas (where Columbus actually landed), a mere 384 years prior to Colorado being granted statehood. In 1937, it became a federal holiday. However it is not recognized in all 50 states. Hawaii celebrates Discoveries Day (honoring its Polynesian discoverers), and South Dakota celebrates Native American's Day (surely that makes up for everything) on the same day as Columbus Day. And if you mention Columbus Day in Alaska they'll probably point to the land bridge in the Bering Sea and look at you like you're crazy. And this is from people who live in houses made out of blocks of ice!
Then there is Wisconsin. The good people of the cheese state marked October 9th as Leif Ericson Day in 1930, and 7 other states would follow suit. After all, Ericson arrived in North America about 500 years before Columbus. He never has received the recognition or fanfare Columbus has though, since his discovery did not lead to mass colonization. In 1925, President Calvin Coolidge declared Ericson as the discovered of the America's ( and now you know 1 thing about Calvin Coolidge). But still Ericson's feat has never been met with much fanfare, unless you consider the Minnesota Vikings as an homage to him. The trouble with Wisconsin however is, they celebrate both Columbus and Leif Ericson Day. And when it works out like it does this year, with Columbus Day coming first on the calendar, it sure does steal some of Ericson's thunder. They should just pick a side and observe only one. Its like rooting for both teams in the Super Bowl, you know. Let's work on that one, okay Wisconsin?
So how will you spend you Columbus Day? There are big celebrations in the Italian villages of cities like Cleveland, San Francisco, and Boston. I'm certainly all for a group of people honoring one of their own and their ethnic heritage. But otherwise Columbus Day is pretty lame. And I feel bad for people whose birthdays fall on Columbus Day, and have to wait another day for their $10 check from grandma to arrive. This really is just a way for the fat cats in Washington to get another day off.
If you truly want to capture the spirit of Columbus Day, this is what you should do - set out to go somewhere that you have never been before without a map or asking for directions, sneeze on a resident of wherever you actually end up, eat some Chinese food (as Columbus had hoped to do), then return home and tell everyone what a smashing success your day was. That's what Columbus Day is all about.
In all seriousness, having set foot on the 2 replicas of Columbus' ships, I can say what he did truly was an accomplishment. The boats were incredibly small. The Nina had 1 cabin below deck, for Columbus only. His crew of 20 men slept on the crowded hard wood deck, constantly getting wet as water splashed on them. The fact that this fleet made multiple voyages is quite amazing.
And you can take that to the bank! Just not tomorrow. Its Columbus Day. The bank will be closed.
*(special thanks to my amazing, young friend Cheryl Kibe, who is quite adept at getting me fired up enough to take a small rant and turn in to a blog post, as she did with Columbus. I only hope that after such banter, this blog will give her a new perspective on Columbus Day. And if not, then hopefully she'll be inspired to fly her ass back over to which ever country in Europe Kibe's come from)
---------------------------------------------------------------------------Upcoming Randomalities:
-The Character of Lincoln
-The Grand and Awkward In Your Face Physiology of the Sneeze
-The 2012 My Randomalities-ies Awards
Sunday, September 30, 2012
CSI-Nursery Rhyme
To my beloved friends and family,
A year ago my life was at its best.
I married Lorraine and we settled in to our love nest.
We hatched a plan for me to work at Mother Goose Inc.
The hours were long and the pay did stink.
But I always dreamed of staring in my own nursery rhyme.
Whenever I asked Mother Goose acted as if she had no time.
“Ohmm let it be. Your time will come, wait and see”.
“Ohmm lets talk in a week. I have many more people with whom to speak”.
“Ohmm let this” and “Ohmm let that” is all she'd say.
Once she even had security whisk me away.
Lorraine said she had heard little Boy Blue was close to a deal.
She said his idea of playing a horn is something I should steal.
She said it was the only way it would seem.
But I would not poach another’s dream.
Such lack of faith left me bedeviled.
Eggs like me do things on the level.
She didn't understand. She blew a gasket.
She left with everything we had in a 1 basket.
Sadly for this egg, nog and anxiety have made me a shell of my former self
And now I sit atop this wall, like an unwanted toy on the top shelf
My thoughts are scrambled. My brain is fried.
I gave it my all. I really did try.
I really feel as like I'm cracking up.
Can't take it anymore. I've had enough.
-Humpty J Dumpty.
After reading this, my immediate thought was that this was a forgery, for a few reasons. A handwriting analyst associate of mine once told me that handwriting that slants upwards to the right, as it does in this note, indicates optimism- generally not a characteristic of someone with suicidal thoughts.
And Humpty hardly ever drank. If/and when he did it was a glass of white Zinfandel. Every one knew he couldn't handle the strong ale mentioned in the note. So did alcohol cause this incident?
Doubtful.
Furthermore, the note was found in Humpty Dumpty's home, not with him when he fell from the wall. That wouldn't be such a red flag if it were not for the spot of yolk on the bottom of the note. So he was already bleeding when he wrote the note, which was found in his home? I believe that egg was beaten before he ever made it to that wall.
I have a feeling Humpty Dumpty knew something. Something big. Something that someone didn't want anyone else to know. Something on someone who would do anything and everything to ensure this information didn't get out.
So I began to ask around. The Cow said she had seen Humpty wandering the streets late at night while she was jumping over the moon. Most notably, he was seen around the Mother Goose Inc building and the backside of the King's palace. Interesting considering all the King's horsemen arrived so soon after Humpty "fell", and tidied up that mess so quickly.
So perhaps there's a connection between Humpy, Mother Goose, and the King. Original testimony from Little Miss Muffet and Little Bo Peep stated that they heard Mother Goose screaming at Humpty Dumpty in her office a few days prior to the "fall". I attempted to interview Little Miss Muffet myself, but last anyone heard she sat down to eat her curds and way in the park, until along came a big, hairy, goon of a spider, and nobody has seen her since.
Convenient.
As far as Little Bo Peep goes, her sheep have suddenly disappeared. When I approached her she was visibly shaken and refused to speak on this matter.
Then there was Jack and Jill. Word around town is that Jack and Humpty had had several meetings in the weeks prior. In fact Humpty met with Jack just 3 hours before his demise! But before anyone could question Jack and Jill, they were sent out on a silly job to fetch some water. You know the rest- - Jack breaks his crown, and Jill comes tumbling after. So now Jack is also gone and Jill is in no condition to talk, even if she wanted to. I've said it before and I'll say it again-- I find it hard to believe that Jack was nimble enough and quick enough to jump over a candlestick, but gravely injures himself carrying a damn pail of water down a hill.
Again, very convenient.
There is no doubt Humpty Dumpty's life had become a mess. The Land of Nursery Rhymes has never been known to have a lot of work for eggs. Benedict, Humpty's neighbor, knew he was having trouble keeping up with his bills.. Friends, and even acquaintances said they could see signs his marriage was dissolving. Rumor has it the butcher, the baker, and the candlestick maker weren't the only ones in that tub.
Yet as bad as things were for Humpty Dumpty, I just can not believe his death was either an accident, as originally reported, or a suicide, as this note suggests. I'm telling you, there is something rotten about this egg's death.
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Upcoming Randomalities:
- A Tribute or Scathing Expose of Columbus Day ( my perspective is yet to be determined)
- The 1st ever My-Randomalities-ies Awards
- and maybe a blog about ducks
Sunday, September 16, 2012
Save The Date
HAPPY INTERNATIONAL DAY FOR THE PRESERVATION OF THE OZONE LAYER EVERYONE!! Boy, it really snuck up on us this year. Celebrate the day by minimizing rocket flights, cutting back on the use of Aqua net, and don't deforest anywhere. Keep in mind, that this is an international celebration, so if you planned on going to a Poison concert in Tijuana and wanted to get nostalgic by bringing back your 80's hairdo, it will be frowned upon. The same goes if you need a some extra firewood and want to jump across the border to Canada and chop down some of their trees. Tomorrow. you can chop down as many trees as you want, but not today friend.
Days like this are important. Of course we all know when the big holidays are, like Thanksgiving, Christmas, and Presidents' Day ( you ever notice how every mattress dealer has big Presidents' Day sales? Why is that? What is the correlation between Washington, Lincoln, and mattresses? Topic for another time I suppose). But there are other noteworthy days that don't quite get the national recognition that they should. That is until now. Having nearly missed National Milkshake Day last week, I decided I'd bring to your attention some other big days (mostly American) from now until New Year's so that nobody looks foolish when the actual day comes, like today.
Sept 19- International Talk Like a Pirate Day. What a world we live in where we honor the people that raped, pillaged, stole, murdered, and did many more unethical and unsanitary things by simply adding an "aaarrgh" or "matey" to our sentences. The best part is that this is recognized world wide, so people in France, Germany, and Japan will also be talking this way.
Sept 22- OneWebDay. This is an annual day of Internet celebration and awareness. Somewhere there is a grown man in his mother's basement not feeling quite so guilty about looking at porn all day.
Sept 28- World Rabies Day. There is no joke here. I'm just curious why they named it World Rabies Day. Certainly sounds like the disease is being celebrated doesn't it? Shouldn't it be called World Rabies Awareness or Prevention Day? Who was in charge of naming that one?
Sept 28- Ask a Stupid Question Day. No, really. Its a real day. This may require a separate blog all to itself. Please send your stupid question to the My-Randomalities facebook page and lets see what fun we can have with this one.
Sept 29- International Coffee Day. Prepare for this day by staying up all night on Sept 28 annoying your friends with stupid questions. And its another international day, so you can sample some fine Colombian coffee, or even better, have an excuse to drink several cups of Irish coffee.
Oct 9- World Post Day. This day is in remembrance of the creation of the Universal Postal Union in 1874 in Switzerland. It began the communications revolution as people could begin to write to others all around the world. To celebrate this monumental occasion, write a letter to:
Jon Dicdican
Hammersminni 18
765 Djupavogi
Iceland
Yes its a real address and person, and hopefully one who will appreciate a little extra mail.
Oct 16- Boss's Day. I encourage you to celebrate Ask a Stupid Question Day at work, bombarding your boss with so many stupid questions he/she gets to the point of nearly hurling a stapler at your face. But today take it easy on them. Show up on time and don't say much. They'll probably appreciate that, and if all goes well, in turn, leave you alone. Oh and guys, take out the trash before the Mrs has to tell you.
Oct 21- International Day of the Nacho. Dios mio!! Spend your day eating heaps of nachos with some beef and ooey, gooey cheese on top. May as well call it Get Fat Day.
Nov 2- Statehood Day (North & South Dakota). On this day in 1889 both states were simultaneously admitted to the Union. For one day each year, the people of North Dakota & South Dakota (the real Dakota) can set aside their differences.
Nov 11- Singles Day (China). This day gets its name from the four 1's in the date. On this day many people choose to say good bye to the single life by attending blind date parties. If there is one thing My-Randomalities is all for, its the love. However, it caught my attention that a country that is so over populated would have a day to encourage people to get together, and most likely, get it on.
Nov 16- Icelandic Language Day (Iceland). It would have been better if this day came before World Post Day, because I have no idea if Jon Dicdican knows any English. But the least I can do is raise awareness to his native language, and maybe he'll get some letters written to him in Icelandic on World Post Day 2013.
Nov 20- Universal Children's Day. This day was established in 1954 to protect children from working long hours and in dangerous circumstances. There have been a lot of changes in child labor laws in the US, but not every country has followed. Be conscious of this, and give Junior the night off from washing the dishes. He can do them in the morning.
Nov 21- World Hello Day. The idea of this day is that by saying "Hello" to at least 10 people, we are setting an example for world leaders to use communication rather than force to settle conflicts. Nov 21 is a bad day for World Hello Day though, because Nov 21 is also:
World Television Day. If you choose to celebrate World Television Day by only venturing off your couch for a bathroom breaks in instances like the commercial break before the showcase showdown on The Price Is Right, the only people you may say 'hello' to are your boss when you call off work, and the 2 people you talk to when you order and receive your pizza delivery.
Dec 14- Monkey Day. Eat some bananas. Watch King Kong. Pull little bugs out of your children's hair. If you go all out and fling poo, don't invite me over for your celebration.
Dec 23- Night of the Radishes (Oaxaca, Mexico). On Noches de Rabanos, the main attraction of the festivities is an exhibition of sculptures made solely from radishes, some as big as 6 whole pounds! Sculptures can be as intricate as nativity scenes or detailed models of real buildings. And college kids waste their money going Cancun in March.
Days like this are important. Of course we all know when the big holidays are, like Thanksgiving, Christmas, and Presidents' Day ( you ever notice how every mattress dealer has big Presidents' Day sales? Why is that? What is the correlation between Washington, Lincoln, and mattresses? Topic for another time I suppose). But there are other noteworthy days that don't quite get the national recognition that they should. That is until now. Having nearly missed National Milkshake Day last week, I decided I'd bring to your attention some other big days (mostly American) from now until New Year's so that nobody looks foolish when the actual day comes, like today.
Sept 19- International Talk Like a Pirate Day. What a world we live in where we honor the people that raped, pillaged, stole, murdered, and did many more unethical and unsanitary things by simply adding an "aaarrgh" or "matey" to our sentences. The best part is that this is recognized world wide, so people in France, Germany, and Japan will also be talking this way.
Sept 22- OneWebDay. This is an annual day of Internet celebration and awareness. Somewhere there is a grown man in his mother's basement not feeling quite so guilty about looking at porn all day.
Sept 28- World Rabies Day. There is no joke here. I'm just curious why they named it World Rabies Day. Certainly sounds like the disease is being celebrated doesn't it? Shouldn't it be called World Rabies Awareness or Prevention Day? Who was in charge of naming that one?
Sept 28- Ask a Stupid Question Day. No, really. Its a real day. This may require a separate blog all to itself. Please send your stupid question to the My-Randomalities facebook page and lets see what fun we can have with this one.
Sept 29- International Coffee Day. Prepare for this day by staying up all night on Sept 28 annoying your friends with stupid questions. And its another international day, so you can sample some fine Colombian coffee, or even better, have an excuse to drink several cups of Irish coffee.
Oct 9- World Post Day. This day is in remembrance of the creation of the Universal Postal Union in 1874 in Switzerland. It began the communications revolution as people could begin to write to others all around the world. To celebrate this monumental occasion, write a letter to:
Jon Dicdican
Hammersminni 18
765 Djupavogi
Iceland
Yes its a real address and person, and hopefully one who will appreciate a little extra mail.
Oct 16- Boss's Day. I encourage you to celebrate Ask a Stupid Question Day at work, bombarding your boss with so many stupid questions he/she gets to the point of nearly hurling a stapler at your face. But today take it easy on them. Show up on time and don't say much. They'll probably appreciate that, and if all goes well, in turn, leave you alone. Oh and guys, take out the trash before the Mrs has to tell you.
Oct 21- International Day of the Nacho. Dios mio!! Spend your day eating heaps of nachos with some beef and ooey, gooey cheese on top. May as well call it Get Fat Day.
Nov 2- Statehood Day (North & South Dakota). On this day in 1889 both states were simultaneously admitted to the Union. For one day each year, the people of North Dakota & South Dakota (the real Dakota) can set aside their differences.
Nov 11- Singles Day (China). This day gets its name from the four 1's in the date. On this day many people choose to say good bye to the single life by attending blind date parties. If there is one thing My-Randomalities is all for, its the love. However, it caught my attention that a country that is so over populated would have a day to encourage people to get together, and most likely, get it on.
Nov 16- Icelandic Language Day (Iceland). It would have been better if this day came before World Post Day, because I have no idea if Jon Dicdican knows any English. But the least I can do is raise awareness to his native language, and maybe he'll get some letters written to him in Icelandic on World Post Day 2013.
Nov 20- Universal Children's Day. This day was established in 1954 to protect children from working long hours and in dangerous circumstances. There have been a lot of changes in child labor laws in the US, but not every country has followed. Be conscious of this, and give Junior the night off from washing the dishes. He can do them in the morning.
Nov 21- World Hello Day. The idea of this day is that by saying "Hello" to at least 10 people, we are setting an example for world leaders to use communication rather than force to settle conflicts. Nov 21 is a bad day for World Hello Day though, because Nov 21 is also:
World Television Day. If you choose to celebrate World Television Day by only venturing off your couch for a bathroom breaks in instances like the commercial break before the showcase showdown on The Price Is Right, the only people you may say 'hello' to are your boss when you call off work, and the 2 people you talk to when you order and receive your pizza delivery.
Dec 14- Monkey Day. Eat some bananas. Watch King Kong. Pull little bugs out of your children's hair. If you go all out and fling poo, don't invite me over for your celebration.
Dec 23- Night of the Radishes (Oaxaca, Mexico). On Noches de Rabanos, the main attraction of the festivities is an exhibition of sculptures made solely from radishes, some as big as 6 whole pounds! Sculptures can be as intricate as nativity scenes or detailed models of real buildings. And college kids waste their money going Cancun in March.
Thursday, July 14, 2011
What's the Difference in Hasselhoffs?
I recently saw a commercial for a new reality series entitled “Same Name”. The premise of the show is regular everyday people with the same name as “celebrities” (quotes are used because the people on these show often barely qualify as a celebrity. You haven’t seen Tom Hanks do one of these shows have you?), swap lives. The premiere episode has common man David Hasselhoff trading places with slightly less common man/actor David Hasselhoff. The real intrigue here for me is not to see how the former Knight Rider fares in regular Hasselhoff’s world. I’m really interested in seeing what they have regular Hasselhoff do. Its been years since actor Hasselhoff has done anything relevant. Having regular Hasselhoff run around in red shorts on the beach flaunting his chest hair would seem a little late. Will they send him across the pond and have him croon to admiring Germans? Or…umm...I got nothing. Seriously what is that guy doing these days? Guess we’ll have to watch and find out.
I’m also interested in learning if there has been an increase in name changes since the announcement of this show. How many people are suddenly named Angelina Jolie or Hugh Hefner? Much to my beautiful and sometimes loving wife’s chagrin, I will not be legally changing my name to Mark Wahlberg in an attempt to get on the show, although getting the opportunity to reunite the Funky Bunch and recording “Good Vibrations 2” is enticing. “Vibrations good like Sunkist, make you want to know who done this” - who am I kidding? I can’t rap like that. But I have been thinking who’s name I would like to share so I could spend a day in their shoes.
Many may say Barack Obama. Who wouldn’t jump at the chance to take his seat in the Oval Office and make the changes they deem suitable? But I’ve never been much a political guy, and I wouldn’t want to spend my time in the White House doing paperwork. Plus I do not want to be responsible for upsetting a whole new group of people. Probably the only change I would make is that if you ever say “This one time”, and the person you are speaking to immediately interrupts you by saying “At band camp?”, you are legally permitted to, no, obligated, to kick them in the shins. I think we can all agree that is rather reasonable.
I could change my name to Joe Buck, and get to sit in the broadcasters’ booth for the World Series, but that would mean I also have to sit next to Tim McCarver, and if you’ve been following along, you’d know I would not enjoy that. A younger and delusional me would have chosen any of my favorite professional athletes’ names, but I am now old enough to recognize what a fool I would look like trying to fill their shoes on the field. Same goes for rock stars. I've known I didn’t have the voice, but I can’t even party anywhere close to a rock star pace these days. Drew Carey would be a solid option for me. I’ve always been a big of The Price is Right. But then again, my dream has always been appear on the show as a contestant, not the host.
So I think I’d settle for changing my name to Andy Richter. I would have the best seat in the house for Conan, and maybe get to contribute a little to the show. That’s all I would need. Sharing the same first name would make an easier transition for those at home too ( “Andy take out the trash.”, “Andy, your dog needs to go out.”). Plus I’d be more confident my wife would keep her hands to herself.
Then again there is the option of my wife legally changing her name to Alyssa Milano.
I’m also interested in learning if there has been an increase in name changes since the announcement of this show. How many people are suddenly named Angelina Jolie or Hugh Hefner? Much to my beautiful and sometimes loving wife’s chagrin, I will not be legally changing my name to Mark Wahlberg in an attempt to get on the show, although getting the opportunity to reunite the Funky Bunch and recording “Good Vibrations 2” is enticing. “Vibrations good like Sunkist, make you want to know who done this” - who am I kidding? I can’t rap like that. But I have been thinking who’s name I would like to share so I could spend a day in their shoes.
Many may say Barack Obama. Who wouldn’t jump at the chance to take his seat in the Oval Office and make the changes they deem suitable? But I’ve never been much a political guy, and I wouldn’t want to spend my time in the White House doing paperwork. Plus I do not want to be responsible for upsetting a whole new group of people. Probably the only change I would make is that if you ever say “This one time”, and the person you are speaking to immediately interrupts you by saying “At band camp?”, you are legally permitted to, no, obligated, to kick them in the shins. I think we can all agree that is rather reasonable.
I could change my name to Joe Buck, and get to sit in the broadcasters’ booth for the World Series, but that would mean I also have to sit next to Tim McCarver, and if you’ve been following along, you’d know I would not enjoy that. A younger and delusional me would have chosen any of my favorite professional athletes’ names, but I am now old enough to recognize what a fool I would look like trying to fill their shoes on the field. Same goes for rock stars. I've known I didn’t have the voice, but I can’t even party anywhere close to a rock star pace these days. Drew Carey would be a solid option for me. I’ve always been a big of The Price is Right. But then again, my dream has always been appear on the show as a contestant, not the host.
So I think I’d settle for changing my name to Andy Richter. I would have the best seat in the house for Conan, and maybe get to contribute a little to the show. That’s all I would need. Sharing the same first name would make an easier transition for those at home too ( “Andy take out the trash.”, “Andy, your dog needs to go out.”). Plus I’d be more confident my wife would keep her hands to herself.
Then again there is the option of my wife legally changing her name to Alyssa Milano.
Saturday, July 9, 2011
Literally Running Through My Mind
This 4th of July, I ran my 2nd 5K race. I should mention that despite always being active, I am a novice runner at best, and I recognize the value of my accomplishment as minimal is the world of long distance racing. Its not like the Brentwood Firecracker is a qualifying race for the Boston Marathon. So if you are expecting training tips, or anything of that sort from this blog, I'm sorry to disappoint you.
The main reason I've run these races is to say that I've done something like this at least once in my lifetime. And I also think its good to be conditioned for a long distance run because if I ever encounter a bear, I want to think that given a big enough head start, I could run fast and far enough that it would eventually give up on me and settle for snacking on some berries. Perhaps one day I'll work my way up to a marathon, and the story will be better. But I am far from competitive and my expectations are realistic.
I talked to my friend who has run the Boston Marathon after my first race and we discussed the entire event. He said what I saw was quite the norm for the 5K circuit. If you have never done this type of race, allow me to describe what it is like.
First, these races are for charity, so there is an entry fee. But you do get a "free" t-shirt for it. You have to register, sign in, get your number, and timing device. After that, you just need to wait for the race to start, and if you're me, consistently remind yourself of your pre-race goals (mine are always modest - don't finish last, and don't walk were my 1st race goals. This year I added beating my previous time, but by no significant amount. And of course if a bear should escape from the zoo, don't be the one who gets eaten).
A 5K brings out all types of people. Children from ages 8 and up to senior citizens in there 70's. You'll get groups of young guys wearing makeshift, sometimes comical uniforms, announcing themselves as a team. I saw 4 guys wearing viking hats. I didn't find out if they were Team Awesome's rivals or not before the race. I only saw Team Awesome members #9 and #25 prior to the race, and not during. Did they crack under the pressure caused by their namesake? Did they feel they were too awesome to run, and instead saved their uniforms -white t-shirts with Team Awesome and their number written on the back with a sharpie- for an appearance int he post race parade? M money says they just ended up hanging around the beer truck (free beer for the racers at the Brentwood Firecracker if you're looking for a race or cheap place to get drunk in the morning next 4th of July). You can predict where people will finish just based on their dress really. The cleaner the shoes, and higher and tighter their shorts, the more serious they are about running. You'll see a bunch of people warming up and running the route, individually or in groups. The farther down the route they go to warm up, the farther ahead they will finish ahead of you. I try to look the part and run a little bit. I really need to bring a watch though, as I do it too early. I warm up then go the start line and stand there 10 minutes and cool down, thinking what a dummy I am.
However this down time provides me an opportunity to size up the "competition" and establish some new race goals. I look around and decide which people I have to beat. Its not a blow to my self esteem to lose to children. I know when I was 10 I probably could have beaten any other 8-12 year old in that race. They have gym class, recess, weekends, and summer vacations to run and play sports non-stop. I played just as hard as they do. And I wouldn't get too bent out of shape losing to a 70 year old either. If they can do a 5K at 70, they must have been running their whole lives. Here's my basic run down of the type of people I pick out that I feel I should beat - any girls in their early 20's wearing makeup and pretty hair, any men with considerable beer guts, and people with 2 or more braces of any kind. As the race progresses and the pack thins out, I set my sight on others as motivation.
Other thoughts from the race:
-Playing the theme from Rocky at the start line was very inspirational. I wish I had heard more than 6 seconds of it.
- Seems to be bottle necking here at the beginning, and this old man in front of me has lively elbows. Screw what I said about losing to old people. He is in-race goal #1. I have to get in front of him.
-Hey there's my wife and kids. God my wife is great to sit on the sidewalk with our four kids on this hot day as I do this. S*** I better finish quick.
-Will those paper thin short running shorts ever go out of style? Seriously?!!
-OK, in-race goal #2 is right ahead of me. She's a fit young women in her 20's, and if this race were on a beach, she would be kicking sand all up in my face with her high kick and twist of her feet. How rude.
-People ahead with cups. Must be the beer I heard they give out during the race. I'm in. No wait, they gave a cup to that kid. It can't be beer. Pass.
-In-race goal #3. I just passed that girl in the blue shirt. How did she get ahead of me again? Am I her in-race goal? Oh its on.
-More drinks ahead. Water. Crap. I take one anyway. Good thing it was just water because apparently i can't drink and run at the same time, and I splash a couple ounces straight up my nose.
-I made the turn at the half way point and beginning to cramp. Regardless, its time to get ahead of that girl in blue.
-This headband is really absorbent. If the manufacturers every offer me an endorsement deal, I'd gladly accept. Its like wrapping my head with Bounty paper towels.
-I understand its the 4th of July and people live on this street, but the smell of hamburgers on their grills is really distracting. But its probably more distracting to the girl in blue than me. She's done.
- That girl is running with a real short stride and high leg kick, like she popped a Denise Austin aerobics tape in the VCR (sweet green headband though). How am I behind her? Congratulations, you have just become in-race goal #4. Check out the back of my headband high kicker.
- There's those viking guys. They are on the other side of the road, running towards the halfway loop around point. They all have beer cans in their hands! Dammit!!
-Why am I doing this? I could be home eating a ham, egg, and cheese now, and not sweating. And really when will I ever see a bear face to face? I live no where near the zoo.
- Finish line is in sight. Fake a smile for the camera, and use everything else I got. Zig. Zag. Bob. Weave. You can get by most of these people. Look at that guy's gut! Where has he been the whole time? Finish strong! (I did beat the big guy. I'm pretty sure he stopped for a hot dog 50 feet short of the finish line).
And after the race:
-Don't collapse on the grass. Just don't do it.
-That guy puking over there is the reason you don't collapse on the grass afterward.
Hey look at that, I guess I do have a racing tip to offer after all.
The main reason I've run these races is to say that I've done something like this at least once in my lifetime. And I also think its good to be conditioned for a long distance run because if I ever encounter a bear, I want to think that given a big enough head start, I could run fast and far enough that it would eventually give up on me and settle for snacking on some berries. Perhaps one day I'll work my way up to a marathon, and the story will be better. But I am far from competitive and my expectations are realistic.
I talked to my friend who has run the Boston Marathon after my first race and we discussed the entire event. He said what I saw was quite the norm for the 5K circuit. If you have never done this type of race, allow me to describe what it is like.
First, these races are for charity, so there is an entry fee. But you do get a "free" t-shirt for it. You have to register, sign in, get your number, and timing device. After that, you just need to wait for the race to start, and if you're me, consistently remind yourself of your pre-race goals (mine are always modest - don't finish last, and don't walk were my 1st race goals. This year I added beating my previous time, but by no significant amount. And of course if a bear should escape from the zoo, don't be the one who gets eaten).
A 5K brings out all types of people. Children from ages 8 and up to senior citizens in there 70's. You'll get groups of young guys wearing makeshift, sometimes comical uniforms, announcing themselves as a team. I saw 4 guys wearing viking hats. I didn't find out if they were Team Awesome's rivals or not before the race. I only saw Team Awesome members #9 and #25 prior to the race, and not during. Did they crack under the pressure caused by their namesake? Did they feel they were too awesome to run, and instead saved their uniforms -white t-shirts with Team Awesome and their number written on the back with a sharpie- for an appearance int he post race parade? M money says they just ended up hanging around the beer truck (free beer for the racers at the Brentwood Firecracker if you're looking for a race or cheap place to get drunk in the morning next 4th of July). You can predict where people will finish just based on their dress really. The cleaner the shoes, and higher and tighter their shorts, the more serious they are about running. You'll see a bunch of people warming up and running the route, individually or in groups. The farther down the route they go to warm up, the farther ahead they will finish ahead of you. I try to look the part and run a little bit. I really need to bring a watch though, as I do it too early. I warm up then go the start line and stand there 10 minutes and cool down, thinking what a dummy I am.
However this down time provides me an opportunity to size up the "competition" and establish some new race goals. I look around and decide which people I have to beat. Its not a blow to my self esteem to lose to children. I know when I was 10 I probably could have beaten any other 8-12 year old in that race. They have gym class, recess, weekends, and summer vacations to run and play sports non-stop. I played just as hard as they do. And I wouldn't get too bent out of shape losing to a 70 year old either. If they can do a 5K at 70, they must have been running their whole lives. Here's my basic run down of the type of people I pick out that I feel I should beat - any girls in their early 20's wearing makeup and pretty hair, any men with considerable beer guts, and people with 2 or more braces of any kind. As the race progresses and the pack thins out, I set my sight on others as motivation.
Other thoughts from the race:
-Playing the theme from Rocky at the start line was very inspirational. I wish I had heard more than 6 seconds of it.
- Seems to be bottle necking here at the beginning, and this old man in front of me has lively elbows. Screw what I said about losing to old people. He is in-race goal #1. I have to get in front of him.
-Hey there's my wife and kids. God my wife is great to sit on the sidewalk with our four kids on this hot day as I do this. S*** I better finish quick.
-Will those paper thin short running shorts ever go out of style? Seriously?!!
-OK, in-race goal #2 is right ahead of me. She's a fit young women in her 20's, and if this race were on a beach, she would be kicking sand all up in my face with her high kick and twist of her feet. How rude.
-People ahead with cups. Must be the beer I heard they give out during the race. I'm in. No wait, they gave a cup to that kid. It can't be beer. Pass.
-In-race goal #3. I just passed that girl in the blue shirt. How did she get ahead of me again? Am I her in-race goal? Oh its on.
-More drinks ahead. Water. Crap. I take one anyway. Good thing it was just water because apparently i can't drink and run at the same time, and I splash a couple ounces straight up my nose.
-I made the turn at the half way point and beginning to cramp. Regardless, its time to get ahead of that girl in blue.
-This headband is really absorbent. If the manufacturers every offer me an endorsement deal, I'd gladly accept. Its like wrapping my head with Bounty paper towels.
-I understand its the 4th of July and people live on this street, but the smell of hamburgers on their grills is really distracting. But its probably more distracting to the girl in blue than me. She's done.
- That girl is running with a real short stride and high leg kick, like she popped a Denise Austin aerobics tape in the VCR (sweet green headband though). How am I behind her? Congratulations, you have just become in-race goal #4. Check out the back of my headband high kicker.
- There's those viking guys. They are on the other side of the road, running towards the halfway loop around point. They all have beer cans in their hands! Dammit!!
-Why am I doing this? I could be home eating a ham, egg, and cheese now, and not sweating. And really when will I ever see a bear face to face? I live no where near the zoo.
- Finish line is in sight. Fake a smile for the camera, and use everything else I got. Zig. Zag. Bob. Weave. You can get by most of these people. Look at that guy's gut! Where has he been the whole time? Finish strong! (I did beat the big guy. I'm pretty sure he stopped for a hot dog 50 feet short of the finish line).
And after the race:
-Don't collapse on the grass. Just don't do it.
-That guy puking over there is the reason you don't collapse on the grass afterward.
Hey look at that, I guess I do have a racing tip to offer after all.
Sunday, July 3, 2011
You Can't Make This Stuff Up - Today
Now that I’m a father of four, I’ve had a chance to re-read/watch many of the popular children’s stories, and nursery rhymes. As a child, I accepted them for what they were. But now as an adult, I have a different perspective on most of these.
For example, I just don’t understand how Jack can be nimble enough and quick enough to jump over a candlestick, as well as climb up a beanstalk, escape from a giant, and climb back down the beanstalk with a gold harp under his arm, but can not walk down a hill with a pail of water without falling and breaking his crown. I also don’t understand how Jack is portrayed as a hero in “Jack and the Beanstalk”. Besides making lousy business decisions, he broke several laws, including trespassing, theft, and oh yeah, MURDER. And the giant falling to his death is the happy ending? He was the victim! Not exactly the type of lessons I want to teach my children.
Other stories I now take issue with:
The Tortoise and the Hare- The moral of the story is slow and steady wins the race. Well, not the nuclear arms race.
Humpty Dumpty- The Kings men sure were on the scene pretty quick to clean up that mess. I wonder what dirt Humpty Dumpty had on the King before his “fall”.
And despite Hollywood’s best efforts, you just can’t recreate some of these stories. Why the invention of the cell phone alone would ruin a bunch of stories. The Three Little Pigs wouldn’t be much of a story if they could just call each other up and agree to meet at the 3rd pig’s brick house. Hansel and Gretel could have used a GPS app on their phones to find their way home. Or maybe they'd use their phones to call child services and report their mother. Cell phones, internet, and all the other modern advancements would dramatically change other stories.
The Pied Piper- The Mayor of Frenchville employs this colorfully dressed weirdo to eradicate the town of all the rats. When the Mayor refuses to pay the Pied Piper, he plays his flute, and all the children of the town follow him deep into the forest. Had the Mayor gone to beenverified.com, maybe he would have thought twice about hiring this odd fellow. If the townsfolk had gone to As Seen On TV website, they could have just invested in the Riddex Plus pest removal device, and none of that would have happened..
Snow White & The Seven Dwarfs- How many of the dwarfs would have changed their Facebook relationship statuses immediately after Snow White moved in, claiming her as their girlfriend? I don’t think “It’s Complicated” would come close to describe it for Snow White. And I wouldn’t put capitalizing on a hidden cam website past the dwarfs either. I don’t think Dopey was as dopey as he’s made out to be.
Little Red Riding Hood- I’d hope in today’s world, Red’s parents would have taken her to Lenscrafters and gotten the poor girl some damn glasses, or lasik surgery or something. How could she not tell that was a wolf in the bed? Was her grandmother really that ugly?
The Princess & the Pea- A Queen determines a young lady is fit to marry her son if she can feel a pea beneath 20 mattresses. Today she could simply change the sleep number mattress setting. She'd get a good night's sleep, and be tossed to the curb the following morning.
Cinderella- If Cinderella happened today, it would be transformed into a reality show. Each show would end with the long, drawn out, suspenseful ending as Prince Charming attempts to fit the glass slipper on a lovely maiden’s foot. You see the Prince’s face. You see her face. You see the glass slipper. You see her foot. The music intensifies. You see his eyes… her eyes… (the tempo of the music increases)...the slipper…the foot…then break to commercial.
For example, I just don’t understand how Jack can be nimble enough and quick enough to jump over a candlestick, as well as climb up a beanstalk, escape from a giant, and climb back down the beanstalk with a gold harp under his arm, but can not walk down a hill with a pail of water without falling and breaking his crown. I also don’t understand how Jack is portrayed as a hero in “Jack and the Beanstalk”. Besides making lousy business decisions, he broke several laws, including trespassing, theft, and oh yeah, MURDER. And the giant falling to his death is the happy ending? He was the victim! Not exactly the type of lessons I want to teach my children.
Other stories I now take issue with:
The Tortoise and the Hare- The moral of the story is slow and steady wins the race. Well, not the nuclear arms race.
Humpty Dumpty- The Kings men sure were on the scene pretty quick to clean up that mess. I wonder what dirt Humpty Dumpty had on the King before his “fall”.
And despite Hollywood’s best efforts, you just can’t recreate some of these stories. Why the invention of the cell phone alone would ruin a bunch of stories. The Three Little Pigs wouldn’t be much of a story if they could just call each other up and agree to meet at the 3rd pig’s brick house. Hansel and Gretel could have used a GPS app on their phones to find their way home. Or maybe they'd use their phones to call child services and report their mother. Cell phones, internet, and all the other modern advancements would dramatically change other stories.
The Pied Piper- The Mayor of Frenchville employs this colorfully dressed weirdo to eradicate the town of all the rats. When the Mayor refuses to pay the Pied Piper, he plays his flute, and all the children of the town follow him deep into the forest. Had the Mayor gone to beenverified.com, maybe he would have thought twice about hiring this odd fellow. If the townsfolk had gone to As Seen On TV website, they could have just invested in the Riddex Plus pest removal device, and none of that would have happened..
Snow White & The Seven Dwarfs- How many of the dwarfs would have changed their Facebook relationship statuses immediately after Snow White moved in, claiming her as their girlfriend? I don’t think “It’s Complicated” would come close to describe it for Snow White. And I wouldn’t put capitalizing on a hidden cam website past the dwarfs either. I don’t think Dopey was as dopey as he’s made out to be.
Little Red Riding Hood- I’d hope in today’s world, Red’s parents would have taken her to Lenscrafters and gotten the poor girl some damn glasses, or lasik surgery or something. How could she not tell that was a wolf in the bed? Was her grandmother really that ugly?
The Princess & the Pea- A Queen determines a young lady is fit to marry her son if she can feel a pea beneath 20 mattresses. Today she could simply change the sleep number mattress setting. She'd get a good night's sleep, and be tossed to the curb the following morning.
Cinderella- If Cinderella happened today, it would be transformed into a reality show. Each show would end with the long, drawn out, suspenseful ending as Prince Charming attempts to fit the glass slipper on a lovely maiden’s foot. You see the Prince’s face. You see her face. You see the glass slipper. You see her foot. The music intensifies. You see his eyes… her eyes… (the tempo of the music increases)...the slipper…the foot…then break to commercial.
Sunday, June 26, 2011
Wow, even I can't believe I'm writing about tables....
I wouldn't exactly say the well has dried up, but I've had a tough time thinking of what exactly to blog about lately. Its not that I don't have ideas, its just with 4 kids, 2 dogs, a full time job, and trying to train for a 5K, I haven't given myself much time to expand upon those ideas. I asked my wife for a suggestion on a topic, and she recommended I write about baking soda. Given that my deadline to post a blog is Sunday night (I began my rough draft of this late Thursday night), I feel I would sell myself short and do my readers a disservice by hastily throwing something together about baking soda. That is a subject matter that requires hours of research, analytical processing, and thoughtful writing. So I ask for your patience. Trust me, you will get your baking soda blog.
So which idea should I try to make work in such a short amount of time? I was thinking last week about a gift exchange I was in at Christmas time. It was the White Elephant game, and the only requirement is your gift had to have the "AS SEEN ON TV " label. It was pretty fun, although nobody got stuck with a snuggie. But seeing some of the stuff that was exchanged, it really made me question the whole "Necessity is the father of invention" idea. Sure some of the items are practical, but doesn't the definition of necessity get skewed when there are things like the "ePad Electrolysis" device (I encourage you to look that up. The pic of the girl zapping her mustache is delightful) or the 'As Seen on TV Hat" (again, check out the video for that one. It made me laugh)? I wonder what Benjamin Franklin, inventor of the odometer, bifocals, and Daylight Savings Time would think if he saw some of the items on the As Seen On TV website. What would he think of the Supreme Moo Mixer ("Just add milk, chocolate, and imagination". Seriously?!), or the Perfect Meatloaf Maker? Maybe the Franklin household would have benefited from the Perfect Meatloaf Maker. I’ve heard Deborah Franklin's meatloaf was always dry. And just going by the pictures I've seen of her, she could of used an AH-BRA too. But I digress....
Its easy to take many great inventions for granted when we are bombarded with commercials for the aforementioned crap. Things like cell phones, microwaves, and elevators are great inventions, but they were not neccessary. But their impact on the world can not be discounted. I've been thinking about what are some of the most unappreciated inventions of all time. Of course I can pick anything and spin it as the most important invention ever. And then you could say anything else and prove it to be more important. So perhaps this will be a recurring topic. But for now, the two most important inventions ever, will be revealed in this blog. The first invention was critical to the evolution of man, the second to the evolution of the economy.
THE MOST IMPORTANT INVENTION OF ALL TIME #1- The Table.
"Are you kidding?", you ask, "A f@#$ing table is a better invention than (insert any of your favorite things)?". "Preposterous!", you may exclaim. "Pure and utter bull@#$", you may scream. "I don't need a table to eat a Whopper when I'm driving, and even you said you have a laptop, so no table needed there either", you could correctly point out. But before you get too fired up and begin taking out your anger on any nearby table, allow me to explain. Sure you could argue that without tables life would be a picnic. I would say you are correct, especially for chiropractors. But man found a need for tables, and with tables came progress.
Millions of years ago, cavemen would go out on their hunts and drag home the slain mammoths. In the cave, they would gather around the carcasses, sit on he ground, lean forward and eat their meals. This was detrimental in two ways. Eating off the ground left the food more vulnerable to bacteria, causing illness and decreasing the caveman population, as well as putting unnecessary strain on the cavemen’s' lower backs, as if carrying a dead mammoth back to the cave wasn't strain enough. Whether by accident or by design, someone invented a table (despite my best efforts, I could not find a credited inventor of the table). Since nobody has been credited with inventing the table, I'll just hypothetically say it was a caveman named Slog.
So one day Slog brings home a mammoth. Before the clan eats, Slog must break up some wood, bend down and start a fire. For many minutes, Slog diligently rubs two sticks together until finally he gets a spark. He begins to gather more wood from the pile. He adds more and more, until the cave is adequately heated and lit for the clan that night. Tired, hungry, and in a great deal of pain, he rests the piece of wood he was holding across two large rocks. Ara, Slog's loyal cavewomen, brings him a slab of meat and drops it on the ground before him. Slog sits and leans over to grab his food, but a sharp pain shoots up his back. He moans, drops his meat, and looks at it frustrated. When he sits upright, he feels fine. Leans forward, aches. He looks around the cave. All the other cave people are hunched over, and grunting in discomfort. He continues to scan the cave. And there he sees that wood, suspended over ground by the two rocks. He picks up his meat, and rests it on the wood. He straightens his back, and feels incredible relief. He begins to eat every meal at the wood and rocks. Ostracized at first (I'm just assuming cavemen weren’t very progressive thinkers and disliked change), they soon noticed Slog was a different caveman. He stood more upright, and appeared more confident, both on the hunts, and in the cave bedroom - good for you Ara ;). Others would follow Slog to this table to eat their dinners. Over time, their backs grew stronger, and their population's general health improved as their food wasn't contaminated by as much bacteria from the ground. The weaker but smarter cavemen, who always had to wait to get the last scraps of food, lived longer lives because they were eating cleaner cuts of meat. These improvements evolved, generation by generation, leading to the stronger, smarter, fully upright homo sapiens that inhabit the world today. A straight, strong back led man to do other great things, such as climb a ladder (try slumping over and climbing a ladder sometime).
The table itself would also evolve over time. Once a log over some rocks, it would later grow legs, 3 or 4 or more. And new uses for the table would be developed, such as playing poker, holding sewing machines (lets see you rest one of those on your lap, smart guy), or as a place to put magazines in the doctors' office. Of course, if tables were not invented, the magazines could just be placed on the floor, as your curved back posture would naturally have you staring at the floor at the doctors' office anyhow.
**Interesting side note- The 5 Second Rule was invented shortly after the table.**
THE MOST IMPORTANT INVENTION OF ALL TIME #2- The Arcade Token.
The arcade token is much more than a replica coin that will get you 3 lives in Pac-Man. Its development was a revolutionary concept in the American economy. "This guy has to be drunk. Its a stupid fake coin", you may be saying to yourself. Sure its value is limited, only functional within the walls of the arcade, but that is what makes it genius.
Picture pre-arcade token America: a young lad, Timmy, takes his $1 and goes for a walk. He sees a pinball machine, asks the arcade clerk to give him 4 quarters, and plays a round of pinball. After the game, he skips across the street and buys a nutty buddy with his remaining 75 cents, and doesn't even think of returning to the arcade.
Now lets examine the same scenario once the arcade tokens became the standard currency in arcades. And I'll even consider inflation, and give young Timmy $2. So there he is, strolling through town, with $2 in his pocket and not a care in the world. He sees this big machine with bright lights flashing in the arcade, and several other kids gathered around it. Naturally he has to see what all the fuss is about. As he draws closer, he reads the title of the game- Space Invaders. That title sounded similar to the movie his older brother saw when he got to second base (whatever that is) at the drive-in last Saturday night. Well his brother seemed to have enjoyed that space movie, so he should at least try his hand at this space game then too, he reasons. He asks the arcade clerk for change, who directs him to a token machine. He inserts one of his dollars, receives 4 odd looking coins, and walks over and deposits one into the game. After a few minutes, his game ends and he enters his 3 initials, claiming the 7th highest score, yet feels quite disappointed. His brother seemed so much more excited after "watching" a movie about an alien invasion than he did playing a game based on it. So Timmy again skips across the street seeking the comfort that can only come from a root beer float and curly fries. Such fine cuisine usually sets Timmy back $1.25, well within the day's budget. Yet when he attempts to pay, the waitress will not accept the silver coin with the gold center that Timmy received from the machine at the arcade. He tries to reason with her, stating he put in a dollar and received 4 of these coins, so in theory they are worth 25 cents apiece. But she still refuses them. Defeated, embarrassed, and pretty hungry, Timmy begrudgingly walks back across the street, and uses the 3 tokens to play 3 more rounds of Space Invaders (as the arcade clerk flashes a devilish grin). But there is a silver lining, Timmy get the 3rd highest score that day, and his initials would be proudly posted on the screen for a whole week, until 2 players, who initials were coincidentally S.E.X and A.S.S claimed all of the top ten high scores.
But the point is, the arcade token was a specialized non-transferable currency that could only be spent in one place. A child could exchange a dollar for 4 tokens, play a game, and if they did not enjoy themselves, they were on the hook for the full dollar. They would have to use all 4 tokens to get their money's worth. Talk about enabling an addiction. And then the scheme grew. You could exchange $1 for 4 tokens, or you could exchange a 5 dollar bill, and get 22 tokens. Talk about value! Even the dopiest kid can figure out what a deal that is. And its no extra cost to the arcade. They always get those tokens back anyway. Kids can take the tokens home, but they are only worth anything in the arcade and they've already been paid for anyways.
The effects of the advent inception of arcade coins are two-fold. Children who find their allowances replaced with pockets full of virtually worthless coins realize they need to take a little imitative if they want more tangible cash, and begin mowing their neighbors' lawns, shoveling driveways, etc. So children had to become entrepreneurial to support their habit.
And later the arcade token's bastard child would be born - the gift card. Its the same thing. You just graduated college and your grandma gives you a $30 gift card to The Olive Garden (about enough for 2 meals), which is a nice gesture. After all, she remembers you went to The Olive Garden when you were 12 and you loved it. But you would really rather have an actual $30 to spend on beer, or your car insurance payment, or even $30 worth of spaghetti to stuff your cupboards with (you’d get a hell lot more than 2 meals out of the $30 then). But you are now committed. That’s $30 that can only be spent within that building. While you are there, I hope you will take the time to appreciate the table you are dining at. I'm sure management at The Olive Garden does. Can you imagine all the lawsuits they would have encountered from people slipping on sauce if plates were placed on the floor?
[I hope you learned something by reading this blog. If nothing else, you should now understand why I titled my blog "My-Randomalities"]
So which idea should I try to make work in such a short amount of time? I was thinking last week about a gift exchange I was in at Christmas time. It was the White Elephant game, and the only requirement is your gift had to have the "AS SEEN ON TV " label. It was pretty fun, although nobody got stuck with a snuggie. But seeing some of the stuff that was exchanged, it really made me question the whole "Necessity is the father of invention" idea. Sure some of the items are practical, but doesn't the definition of necessity get skewed when there are things like the "ePad Electrolysis" device (I encourage you to look that up. The pic of the girl zapping her mustache is delightful) or the 'As Seen on TV Hat" (again, check out the video for that one. It made me laugh)? I wonder what Benjamin Franklin, inventor of the odometer, bifocals, and Daylight Savings Time would think if he saw some of the items on the As Seen On TV website. What would he think of the Supreme Moo Mixer ("Just add milk, chocolate, and imagination". Seriously?!), or the Perfect Meatloaf Maker? Maybe the Franklin household would have benefited from the Perfect Meatloaf Maker. I’ve heard Deborah Franklin's meatloaf was always dry. And just going by the pictures I've seen of her, she could of used an AH-BRA too. But I digress....
Its easy to take many great inventions for granted when we are bombarded with commercials for the aforementioned crap. Things like cell phones, microwaves, and elevators are great inventions, but they were not neccessary. But their impact on the world can not be discounted. I've been thinking about what are some of the most unappreciated inventions of all time. Of course I can pick anything and spin it as the most important invention ever. And then you could say anything else and prove it to be more important. So perhaps this will be a recurring topic. But for now, the two most important inventions ever, will be revealed in this blog. The first invention was critical to the evolution of man, the second to the evolution of the economy.
THE MOST IMPORTANT INVENTION OF ALL TIME #1- The Table.
"Are you kidding?", you ask, "A f@#$ing table is a better invention than (insert any of your favorite things)?". "Preposterous!", you may exclaim. "Pure and utter bull@#$", you may scream. "I don't need a table to eat a Whopper when I'm driving, and even you said you have a laptop, so no table needed there either", you could correctly point out. But before you get too fired up and begin taking out your anger on any nearby table, allow me to explain. Sure you could argue that without tables life would be a picnic. I would say you are correct, especially for chiropractors. But man found a need for tables, and with tables came progress.
Millions of years ago, cavemen would go out on their hunts and drag home the slain mammoths. In the cave, they would gather around the carcasses, sit on he ground, lean forward and eat their meals. This was detrimental in two ways. Eating off the ground left the food more vulnerable to bacteria, causing illness and decreasing the caveman population, as well as putting unnecessary strain on the cavemen’s' lower backs, as if carrying a dead mammoth back to the cave wasn't strain enough. Whether by accident or by design, someone invented a table (despite my best efforts, I could not find a credited inventor of the table). Since nobody has been credited with inventing the table, I'll just hypothetically say it was a caveman named Slog.
So one day Slog brings home a mammoth. Before the clan eats, Slog must break up some wood, bend down and start a fire. For many minutes, Slog diligently rubs two sticks together until finally he gets a spark. He begins to gather more wood from the pile. He adds more and more, until the cave is adequately heated and lit for the clan that night. Tired, hungry, and in a great deal of pain, he rests the piece of wood he was holding across two large rocks. Ara, Slog's loyal cavewomen, brings him a slab of meat and drops it on the ground before him. Slog sits and leans over to grab his food, but a sharp pain shoots up his back. He moans, drops his meat, and looks at it frustrated. When he sits upright, he feels fine. Leans forward, aches. He looks around the cave. All the other cave people are hunched over, and grunting in discomfort. He continues to scan the cave. And there he sees that wood, suspended over ground by the two rocks. He picks up his meat, and rests it on the wood. He straightens his back, and feels incredible relief. He begins to eat every meal at the wood and rocks. Ostracized at first (I'm just assuming cavemen weren’t very progressive thinkers and disliked change), they soon noticed Slog was a different caveman. He stood more upright, and appeared more confident, both on the hunts, and in the cave bedroom - good for you Ara ;). Others would follow Slog to this table to eat their dinners. Over time, their backs grew stronger, and their population's general health improved as their food wasn't contaminated by as much bacteria from the ground. The weaker but smarter cavemen, who always had to wait to get the last scraps of food, lived longer lives because they were eating cleaner cuts of meat. These improvements evolved, generation by generation, leading to the stronger, smarter, fully upright homo sapiens that inhabit the world today. A straight, strong back led man to do other great things, such as climb a ladder (try slumping over and climbing a ladder sometime).
The table itself would also evolve over time. Once a log over some rocks, it would later grow legs, 3 or 4 or more. And new uses for the table would be developed, such as playing poker, holding sewing machines (lets see you rest one of those on your lap, smart guy), or as a place to put magazines in the doctors' office. Of course, if tables were not invented, the magazines could just be placed on the floor, as your curved back posture would naturally have you staring at the floor at the doctors' office anyhow.
**Interesting side note- The 5 Second Rule was invented shortly after the table.**
THE MOST IMPORTANT INVENTION OF ALL TIME #2- The Arcade Token.
The arcade token is much more than a replica coin that will get you 3 lives in Pac-Man. Its development was a revolutionary concept in the American economy. "This guy has to be drunk. Its a stupid fake coin", you may be saying to yourself. Sure its value is limited, only functional within the walls of the arcade, but that is what makes it genius.
Picture pre-arcade token America: a young lad, Timmy, takes his $1 and goes for a walk. He sees a pinball machine, asks the arcade clerk to give him 4 quarters, and plays a round of pinball. After the game, he skips across the street and buys a nutty buddy with his remaining 75 cents, and doesn't even think of returning to the arcade.
Now lets examine the same scenario once the arcade tokens became the standard currency in arcades. And I'll even consider inflation, and give young Timmy $2. So there he is, strolling through town, with $2 in his pocket and not a care in the world. He sees this big machine with bright lights flashing in the arcade, and several other kids gathered around it. Naturally he has to see what all the fuss is about. As he draws closer, he reads the title of the game- Space Invaders. That title sounded similar to the movie his older brother saw when he got to second base (whatever that is) at the drive-in last Saturday night. Well his brother seemed to have enjoyed that space movie, so he should at least try his hand at this space game then too, he reasons. He asks the arcade clerk for change, who directs him to a token machine. He inserts one of his dollars, receives 4 odd looking coins, and walks over and deposits one into the game. After a few minutes, his game ends and he enters his 3 initials, claiming the 7th highest score, yet feels quite disappointed. His brother seemed so much more excited after "watching" a movie about an alien invasion than he did playing a game based on it. So Timmy again skips across the street seeking the comfort that can only come from a root beer float and curly fries. Such fine cuisine usually sets Timmy back $1.25, well within the day's budget. Yet when he attempts to pay, the waitress will not accept the silver coin with the gold center that Timmy received from the machine at the arcade. He tries to reason with her, stating he put in a dollar and received 4 of these coins, so in theory they are worth 25 cents apiece. But she still refuses them. Defeated, embarrassed, and pretty hungry, Timmy begrudgingly walks back across the street, and uses the 3 tokens to play 3 more rounds of Space Invaders (as the arcade clerk flashes a devilish grin). But there is a silver lining, Timmy get the 3rd highest score that day, and his initials would be proudly posted on the screen for a whole week, until 2 players, who initials were coincidentally S.E.X and A.S.S claimed all of the top ten high scores.
But the point is, the arcade token was a specialized non-transferable currency that could only be spent in one place. A child could exchange a dollar for 4 tokens, play a game, and if they did not enjoy themselves, they were on the hook for the full dollar. They would have to use all 4 tokens to get their money's worth. Talk about enabling an addiction. And then the scheme grew. You could exchange $1 for 4 tokens, or you could exchange a 5 dollar bill, and get 22 tokens. Talk about value! Even the dopiest kid can figure out what a deal that is. And its no extra cost to the arcade. They always get those tokens back anyway. Kids can take the tokens home, but they are only worth anything in the arcade and they've already been paid for anyways.
The effects of the advent inception of arcade coins are two-fold. Children who find their allowances replaced with pockets full of virtually worthless coins realize they need to take a little imitative if they want more tangible cash, and begin mowing their neighbors' lawns, shoveling driveways, etc. So children had to become entrepreneurial to support their habit.
And later the arcade token's bastard child would be born - the gift card. Its the same thing. You just graduated college and your grandma gives you a $30 gift card to The Olive Garden (about enough for 2 meals), which is a nice gesture. After all, she remembers you went to The Olive Garden when you were 12 and you loved it. But you would really rather have an actual $30 to spend on beer, or your car insurance payment, or even $30 worth of spaghetti to stuff your cupboards with (you’d get a hell lot more than 2 meals out of the $30 then). But you are now committed. That’s $30 that can only be spent within that building. While you are there, I hope you will take the time to appreciate the table you are dining at. I'm sure management at The Olive Garden does. Can you imagine all the lawsuits they would have encountered from people slipping on sauce if plates were placed on the floor?
[I hope you learned something by reading this blog. If nothing else, you should now understand why I titled my blog "My-Randomalities"]
Thursday, June 16, 2011
Lightning Round
Already my favorite castaway, ginger is now also my favorite smell.
I understand it wouldn’t be used often but I would like to nominate >} as the official emoticon for cleavage.
I’m sure its not just me but whenever I hear that song “Mmbop” by Hanson I just want to skip down the street, eating an ice cream cone. With F@#$ING SPRINKLES!
I think if he were still alive (hard not to get emotional right now), Fred Berry-Rerun on the TV show "Whats Happening", would have made an excellent judge on the show "So You Think You Can Dance".
I’m glad I wasn’t invited to the royal wedding. Sure, it was the social event of the season, but I couldn’t handle the stress of picking out a wedding gift. What do you get a prince and princess? I’m sure they don’t need a blender or a dust buster or a gravy boat. I can’t even imagine what was on their gift registry. A private island in the south Pacific? The Mona Lisa? And I wouldn’t want to take the easy way out and write a song. That’s something Elton John would do.
You ever look at that guy Russell Brand and think “Now that’s a guy I wouldn’t mind seeing being mauled by a bear? I do.
If my significant other ever approached me and said “We are going to be on the Jerry Springer Show”, I’d just pack my things and leave right then and there. I don’t want to be told whatever she’d have to say on TV, or quite frankly, hear it at all.
And speaking of the Jerry Springer Show, I’m hopeful there will be a day where legislation is passed where guests are spade or neutered immediately after their appearance. If not all, then at least just the men who are in love with a cross dresser, and claim to have never noticed she was a he, even after being intimate. That type of stupidity or disregard for the truth should not be bred.
How bad to do you think the outfits are that Lady Gaga rejects?
When ever someone says “they” in a statement, such as “They say keeping your wallet in your back pocket causes lower back pain” or “They say it takes Styrofoam 1 million years to decompose”, I think it’s a fairly safe assumption that “They” are the Russians.
I understand it wouldn’t be used often but I would like to nominate >} as the official emoticon for cleavage.
I’m sure its not just me but whenever I hear that song “Mmbop” by Hanson I just want to skip down the street, eating an ice cream cone. With F@#$ING SPRINKLES!
I think if he were still alive (hard not to get emotional right now), Fred Berry-Rerun on the TV show "Whats Happening", would have made an excellent judge on the show "So You Think You Can Dance".
I’m glad I wasn’t invited to the royal wedding. Sure, it was the social event of the season, but I couldn’t handle the stress of picking out a wedding gift. What do you get a prince and princess? I’m sure they don’t need a blender or a dust buster or a gravy boat. I can’t even imagine what was on their gift registry. A private island in the south Pacific? The Mona Lisa? And I wouldn’t want to take the easy way out and write a song. That’s something Elton John would do.
You ever look at that guy Russell Brand and think “Now that’s a guy I wouldn’t mind seeing being mauled by a bear? I do.
If my significant other ever approached me and said “We are going to be on the Jerry Springer Show”, I’d just pack my things and leave right then and there. I don’t want to be told whatever she’d have to say on TV, or quite frankly, hear it at all.
And speaking of the Jerry Springer Show, I’m hopeful there will be a day where legislation is passed where guests are spade or neutered immediately after their appearance. If not all, then at least just the men who are in love with a cross dresser, and claim to have never noticed she was a he, even after being intimate. That type of stupidity or disregard for the truth should not be bred.
How bad to do you think the outfits are that Lady Gaga rejects?
When ever someone says “they” in a statement, such as “They say keeping your wallet in your back pocket causes lower back pain” or “They say it takes Styrofoam 1 million years to decompose”, I think it’s a fairly safe assumption that “They” are the Russians.
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