I recently saw a commercial for a new reality series entitled “Same Name”. The premise of the show is regular everyday people with the same name as “celebrities” (quotes are used because the people on these show often barely qualify as a celebrity. You haven’t seen Tom Hanks do one of these shows have you?), swap lives. The premiere episode has common man David Hasselhoff trading places with slightly less common man/actor David Hasselhoff. The real intrigue here for me is not to see how the former Knight Rider fares in regular Hasselhoff’s world. I’m really interested in seeing what they have regular Hasselhoff do. Its been years since actor Hasselhoff has done anything relevant. Having regular Hasselhoff run around in red shorts on the beach flaunting his chest hair would seem a little late. Will they send him across the pond and have him croon to admiring Germans? Or…umm...I got nothing. Seriously what is that guy doing these days? Guess we’ll have to watch and find out.
I’m also interested in learning if there has been an increase in name changes since the announcement of this show. How many people are suddenly named Angelina Jolie or Hugh Hefner? Much to my beautiful and sometimes loving wife’s chagrin, I will not be legally changing my name to Mark Wahlberg in an attempt to get on the show, although getting the opportunity to reunite the Funky Bunch and recording “Good Vibrations 2” is enticing. “Vibrations good like Sunkist, make you want to know who done this” - who am I kidding? I can’t rap like that. But I have been thinking who’s name I would like to share so I could spend a day in their shoes.
Many may say Barack Obama. Who wouldn’t jump at the chance to take his seat in the Oval Office and make the changes they deem suitable? But I’ve never been much a political guy, and I wouldn’t want to spend my time in the White House doing paperwork. Plus I do not want to be responsible for upsetting a whole new group of people. Probably the only change I would make is that if you ever say “This one time”, and the person you are speaking to immediately interrupts you by saying “At band camp?”, you are legally permitted to, no, obligated, to kick them in the shins. I think we can all agree that is rather reasonable.
I could change my name to Joe Buck, and get to sit in the broadcasters’ booth for the World Series, but that would mean I also have to sit next to Tim McCarver, and if you’ve been following along, you’d know I would not enjoy that. A younger and delusional me would have chosen any of my favorite professional athletes’ names, but I am now old enough to recognize what a fool I would look like trying to fill their shoes on the field. Same goes for rock stars. I've known I didn’t have the voice, but I can’t even party anywhere close to a rock star pace these days. Drew Carey would be a solid option for me. I’ve always been a big of The Price is Right. But then again, my dream has always been appear on the show as a contestant, not the host.
So I think I’d settle for changing my name to Andy Richter. I would have the best seat in the house for Conan, and maybe get to contribute a little to the show. That’s all I would need. Sharing the same first name would make an easier transition for those at home too ( “Andy take out the trash.”, “Andy, your dog needs to go out.”). Plus I’d be more confident my wife would keep her hands to herself.
Then again there is the option of my wife legally changing her name to Alyssa Milano.
Thursday, July 14, 2011
Saturday, July 9, 2011
Literally Running Through My Mind
This 4th of July, I ran my 2nd 5K race. I should mention that despite always being active, I am a novice runner at best, and I recognize the value of my accomplishment as minimal is the world of long distance racing. Its not like the Brentwood Firecracker is a qualifying race for the Boston Marathon. So if you are expecting training tips, or anything of that sort from this blog, I'm sorry to disappoint you.
The main reason I've run these races is to say that I've done something like this at least once in my lifetime. And I also think its good to be conditioned for a long distance run because if I ever encounter a bear, I want to think that given a big enough head start, I could run fast and far enough that it would eventually give up on me and settle for snacking on some berries. Perhaps one day I'll work my way up to a marathon, and the story will be better. But I am far from competitive and my expectations are realistic.
I talked to my friend who has run the Boston Marathon after my first race and we discussed the entire event. He said what I saw was quite the norm for the 5K circuit. If you have never done this type of race, allow me to describe what it is like.
First, these races are for charity, so there is an entry fee. But you do get a "free" t-shirt for it. You have to register, sign in, get your number, and timing device. After that, you just need to wait for the race to start, and if you're me, consistently remind yourself of your pre-race goals (mine are always modest - don't finish last, and don't walk were my 1st race goals. This year I added beating my previous time, but by no significant amount. And of course if a bear should escape from the zoo, don't be the one who gets eaten).
A 5K brings out all types of people. Children from ages 8 and up to senior citizens in there 70's. You'll get groups of young guys wearing makeshift, sometimes comical uniforms, announcing themselves as a team. I saw 4 guys wearing viking hats. I didn't find out if they were Team Awesome's rivals or not before the race. I only saw Team Awesome members #9 and #25 prior to the race, and not during. Did they crack under the pressure caused by their namesake? Did they feel they were too awesome to run, and instead saved their uniforms -white t-shirts with Team Awesome and their number written on the back with a sharpie- for an appearance int he post race parade? M money says they just ended up hanging around the beer truck (free beer for the racers at the Brentwood Firecracker if you're looking for a race or cheap place to get drunk in the morning next 4th of July). You can predict where people will finish just based on their dress really. The cleaner the shoes, and higher and tighter their shorts, the more serious they are about running. You'll see a bunch of people warming up and running the route, individually or in groups. The farther down the route they go to warm up, the farther ahead they will finish ahead of you. I try to look the part and run a little bit. I really need to bring a watch though, as I do it too early. I warm up then go the start line and stand there 10 minutes and cool down, thinking what a dummy I am.
However this down time provides me an opportunity to size up the "competition" and establish some new race goals. I look around and decide which people I have to beat. Its not a blow to my self esteem to lose to children. I know when I was 10 I probably could have beaten any other 8-12 year old in that race. They have gym class, recess, weekends, and summer vacations to run and play sports non-stop. I played just as hard as they do. And I wouldn't get too bent out of shape losing to a 70 year old either. If they can do a 5K at 70, they must have been running their whole lives. Here's my basic run down of the type of people I pick out that I feel I should beat - any girls in their early 20's wearing makeup and pretty hair, any men with considerable beer guts, and people with 2 or more braces of any kind. As the race progresses and the pack thins out, I set my sight on others as motivation.
Other thoughts from the race:
-Playing the theme from Rocky at the start line was very inspirational. I wish I had heard more than 6 seconds of it.
- Seems to be bottle necking here at the beginning, and this old man in front of me has lively elbows. Screw what I said about losing to old people. He is in-race goal #1. I have to get in front of him.
-Hey there's my wife and kids. God my wife is great to sit on the sidewalk with our four kids on this hot day as I do this. S*** I better finish quick.
-Will those paper thin short running shorts ever go out of style? Seriously?!!
-OK, in-race goal #2 is right ahead of me. She's a fit young women in her 20's, and if this race were on a beach, she would be kicking sand all up in my face with her high kick and twist of her feet. How rude.
-People ahead with cups. Must be the beer I heard they give out during the race. I'm in. No wait, they gave a cup to that kid. It can't be beer. Pass.
-In-race goal #3. I just passed that girl in the blue shirt. How did she get ahead of me again? Am I her in-race goal? Oh its on.
-More drinks ahead. Water. Crap. I take one anyway. Good thing it was just water because apparently i can't drink and run at the same time, and I splash a couple ounces straight up my nose.
-I made the turn at the half way point and beginning to cramp. Regardless, its time to get ahead of that girl in blue.
-This headband is really absorbent. If the manufacturers every offer me an endorsement deal, I'd gladly accept. Its like wrapping my head with Bounty paper towels.
-I understand its the 4th of July and people live on this street, but the smell of hamburgers on their grills is really distracting. But its probably more distracting to the girl in blue than me. She's done.
- That girl is running with a real short stride and high leg kick, like she popped a Denise Austin aerobics tape in the VCR (sweet green headband though). How am I behind her? Congratulations, you have just become in-race goal #4. Check out the back of my headband high kicker.
- There's those viking guys. They are on the other side of the road, running towards the halfway loop around point. They all have beer cans in their hands! Dammit!!
-Why am I doing this? I could be home eating a ham, egg, and cheese now, and not sweating. And really when will I ever see a bear face to face? I live no where near the zoo.
- Finish line is in sight. Fake a smile for the camera, and use everything else I got. Zig. Zag. Bob. Weave. You can get by most of these people. Look at that guy's gut! Where has he been the whole time? Finish strong! (I did beat the big guy. I'm pretty sure he stopped for a hot dog 50 feet short of the finish line).
And after the race:
-Don't collapse on the grass. Just don't do it.
-That guy puking over there is the reason you don't collapse on the grass afterward.
Hey look at that, I guess I do have a racing tip to offer after all.
The main reason I've run these races is to say that I've done something like this at least once in my lifetime. And I also think its good to be conditioned for a long distance run because if I ever encounter a bear, I want to think that given a big enough head start, I could run fast and far enough that it would eventually give up on me and settle for snacking on some berries. Perhaps one day I'll work my way up to a marathon, and the story will be better. But I am far from competitive and my expectations are realistic.
I talked to my friend who has run the Boston Marathon after my first race and we discussed the entire event. He said what I saw was quite the norm for the 5K circuit. If you have never done this type of race, allow me to describe what it is like.
First, these races are for charity, so there is an entry fee. But you do get a "free" t-shirt for it. You have to register, sign in, get your number, and timing device. After that, you just need to wait for the race to start, and if you're me, consistently remind yourself of your pre-race goals (mine are always modest - don't finish last, and don't walk were my 1st race goals. This year I added beating my previous time, but by no significant amount. And of course if a bear should escape from the zoo, don't be the one who gets eaten).
A 5K brings out all types of people. Children from ages 8 and up to senior citizens in there 70's. You'll get groups of young guys wearing makeshift, sometimes comical uniforms, announcing themselves as a team. I saw 4 guys wearing viking hats. I didn't find out if they were Team Awesome's rivals or not before the race. I only saw Team Awesome members #9 and #25 prior to the race, and not during. Did they crack under the pressure caused by their namesake? Did they feel they were too awesome to run, and instead saved their uniforms -white t-shirts with Team Awesome and their number written on the back with a sharpie- for an appearance int he post race parade? M money says they just ended up hanging around the beer truck (free beer for the racers at the Brentwood Firecracker if you're looking for a race or cheap place to get drunk in the morning next 4th of July). You can predict where people will finish just based on their dress really. The cleaner the shoes, and higher and tighter their shorts, the more serious they are about running. You'll see a bunch of people warming up and running the route, individually or in groups. The farther down the route they go to warm up, the farther ahead they will finish ahead of you. I try to look the part and run a little bit. I really need to bring a watch though, as I do it too early. I warm up then go the start line and stand there 10 minutes and cool down, thinking what a dummy I am.
However this down time provides me an opportunity to size up the "competition" and establish some new race goals. I look around and decide which people I have to beat. Its not a blow to my self esteem to lose to children. I know when I was 10 I probably could have beaten any other 8-12 year old in that race. They have gym class, recess, weekends, and summer vacations to run and play sports non-stop. I played just as hard as they do. And I wouldn't get too bent out of shape losing to a 70 year old either. If they can do a 5K at 70, they must have been running their whole lives. Here's my basic run down of the type of people I pick out that I feel I should beat - any girls in their early 20's wearing makeup and pretty hair, any men with considerable beer guts, and people with 2 or more braces of any kind. As the race progresses and the pack thins out, I set my sight on others as motivation.
Other thoughts from the race:
-Playing the theme from Rocky at the start line was very inspirational. I wish I had heard more than 6 seconds of it.
- Seems to be bottle necking here at the beginning, and this old man in front of me has lively elbows. Screw what I said about losing to old people. He is in-race goal #1. I have to get in front of him.
-Hey there's my wife and kids. God my wife is great to sit on the sidewalk with our four kids on this hot day as I do this. S*** I better finish quick.
-Will those paper thin short running shorts ever go out of style? Seriously?!!
-OK, in-race goal #2 is right ahead of me. She's a fit young women in her 20's, and if this race were on a beach, she would be kicking sand all up in my face with her high kick and twist of her feet. How rude.
-People ahead with cups. Must be the beer I heard they give out during the race. I'm in. No wait, they gave a cup to that kid. It can't be beer. Pass.
-In-race goal #3. I just passed that girl in the blue shirt. How did she get ahead of me again? Am I her in-race goal? Oh its on.
-More drinks ahead. Water. Crap. I take one anyway. Good thing it was just water because apparently i can't drink and run at the same time, and I splash a couple ounces straight up my nose.
-I made the turn at the half way point and beginning to cramp. Regardless, its time to get ahead of that girl in blue.
-This headband is really absorbent. If the manufacturers every offer me an endorsement deal, I'd gladly accept. Its like wrapping my head with Bounty paper towels.
-I understand its the 4th of July and people live on this street, but the smell of hamburgers on their grills is really distracting. But its probably more distracting to the girl in blue than me. She's done.
- That girl is running with a real short stride and high leg kick, like she popped a Denise Austin aerobics tape in the VCR (sweet green headband though). How am I behind her? Congratulations, you have just become in-race goal #4. Check out the back of my headband high kicker.
- There's those viking guys. They are on the other side of the road, running towards the halfway loop around point. They all have beer cans in their hands! Dammit!!
-Why am I doing this? I could be home eating a ham, egg, and cheese now, and not sweating. And really when will I ever see a bear face to face? I live no where near the zoo.
- Finish line is in sight. Fake a smile for the camera, and use everything else I got. Zig. Zag. Bob. Weave. You can get by most of these people. Look at that guy's gut! Where has he been the whole time? Finish strong! (I did beat the big guy. I'm pretty sure he stopped for a hot dog 50 feet short of the finish line).
And after the race:
-Don't collapse on the grass. Just don't do it.
-That guy puking over there is the reason you don't collapse on the grass afterward.
Hey look at that, I guess I do have a racing tip to offer after all.
Saturday's Little Known Facts #7
Only 1 is true.
-The name "Wendy" was made up for the book "Peter Pan".
-Many of the creature names in the Star Wars series, such as wookie, jawa, & ewok are words from the language of sanskrit.
-The name "Wendy" was made up for the book "Peter Pan".
-Many of the creature names in the Star Wars series, such as wookie, jawa, & ewok are words from the language of sanskrit.
Sunday, July 3, 2011
You Can't Make This Stuff Up - Today
Now that I’m a father of four, I’ve had a chance to re-read/watch many of the popular children’s stories, and nursery rhymes. As a child, I accepted them for what they were. But now as an adult, I have a different perspective on most of these.
For example, I just don’t understand how Jack can be nimble enough and quick enough to jump over a candlestick, as well as climb up a beanstalk, escape from a giant, and climb back down the beanstalk with a gold harp under his arm, but can not walk down a hill with a pail of water without falling and breaking his crown. I also don’t understand how Jack is portrayed as a hero in “Jack and the Beanstalk”. Besides making lousy business decisions, he broke several laws, including trespassing, theft, and oh yeah, MURDER. And the giant falling to his death is the happy ending? He was the victim! Not exactly the type of lessons I want to teach my children.
Other stories I now take issue with:
The Tortoise and the Hare- The moral of the story is slow and steady wins the race. Well, not the nuclear arms race.
Humpty Dumpty- The Kings men sure were on the scene pretty quick to clean up that mess. I wonder what dirt Humpty Dumpty had on the King before his “fall”.
And despite Hollywood’s best efforts, you just can’t recreate some of these stories. Why the invention of the cell phone alone would ruin a bunch of stories. The Three Little Pigs wouldn’t be much of a story if they could just call each other up and agree to meet at the 3rd pig’s brick house. Hansel and Gretel could have used a GPS app on their phones to find their way home. Or maybe they'd use their phones to call child services and report their mother. Cell phones, internet, and all the other modern advancements would dramatically change other stories.
The Pied Piper- The Mayor of Frenchville employs this colorfully dressed weirdo to eradicate the town of all the rats. When the Mayor refuses to pay the Pied Piper, he plays his flute, and all the children of the town follow him deep into the forest. Had the Mayor gone to beenverified.com, maybe he would have thought twice about hiring this odd fellow. If the townsfolk had gone to As Seen On TV website, they could have just invested in the Riddex Plus pest removal device, and none of that would have happened..
Snow White & The Seven Dwarfs- How many of the dwarfs would have changed their Facebook relationship statuses immediately after Snow White moved in, claiming her as their girlfriend? I don’t think “It’s Complicated” would come close to describe it for Snow White. And I wouldn’t put capitalizing on a hidden cam website past the dwarfs either. I don’t think Dopey was as dopey as he’s made out to be.
Little Red Riding Hood- I’d hope in today’s world, Red’s parents would have taken her to Lenscrafters and gotten the poor girl some damn glasses, or lasik surgery or something. How could she not tell that was a wolf in the bed? Was her grandmother really that ugly?
The Princess & the Pea- A Queen determines a young lady is fit to marry her son if she can feel a pea beneath 20 mattresses. Today she could simply change the sleep number mattress setting. She'd get a good night's sleep, and be tossed to the curb the following morning.
Cinderella- If Cinderella happened today, it would be transformed into a reality show. Each show would end with the long, drawn out, suspenseful ending as Prince Charming attempts to fit the glass slipper on a lovely maiden’s foot. You see the Prince’s face. You see her face. You see the glass slipper. You see her foot. The music intensifies. You see his eyes… her eyes… (the tempo of the music increases)...the slipper…the foot…then break to commercial.
For example, I just don’t understand how Jack can be nimble enough and quick enough to jump over a candlestick, as well as climb up a beanstalk, escape from a giant, and climb back down the beanstalk with a gold harp under his arm, but can not walk down a hill with a pail of water without falling and breaking his crown. I also don’t understand how Jack is portrayed as a hero in “Jack and the Beanstalk”. Besides making lousy business decisions, he broke several laws, including trespassing, theft, and oh yeah, MURDER. And the giant falling to his death is the happy ending? He was the victim! Not exactly the type of lessons I want to teach my children.
Other stories I now take issue with:
The Tortoise and the Hare- The moral of the story is slow and steady wins the race. Well, not the nuclear arms race.
Humpty Dumpty- The Kings men sure were on the scene pretty quick to clean up that mess. I wonder what dirt Humpty Dumpty had on the King before his “fall”.
And despite Hollywood’s best efforts, you just can’t recreate some of these stories. Why the invention of the cell phone alone would ruin a bunch of stories. The Three Little Pigs wouldn’t be much of a story if they could just call each other up and agree to meet at the 3rd pig’s brick house. Hansel and Gretel could have used a GPS app on their phones to find their way home. Or maybe they'd use their phones to call child services and report their mother. Cell phones, internet, and all the other modern advancements would dramatically change other stories.
The Pied Piper- The Mayor of Frenchville employs this colorfully dressed weirdo to eradicate the town of all the rats. When the Mayor refuses to pay the Pied Piper, he plays his flute, and all the children of the town follow him deep into the forest. Had the Mayor gone to beenverified.com, maybe he would have thought twice about hiring this odd fellow. If the townsfolk had gone to As Seen On TV website, they could have just invested in the Riddex Plus pest removal device, and none of that would have happened..
Snow White & The Seven Dwarfs- How many of the dwarfs would have changed their Facebook relationship statuses immediately after Snow White moved in, claiming her as their girlfriend? I don’t think “It’s Complicated” would come close to describe it for Snow White. And I wouldn’t put capitalizing on a hidden cam website past the dwarfs either. I don’t think Dopey was as dopey as he’s made out to be.
Little Red Riding Hood- I’d hope in today’s world, Red’s parents would have taken her to Lenscrafters and gotten the poor girl some damn glasses, or lasik surgery or something. How could she not tell that was a wolf in the bed? Was her grandmother really that ugly?
The Princess & the Pea- A Queen determines a young lady is fit to marry her son if she can feel a pea beneath 20 mattresses. Today she could simply change the sleep number mattress setting. She'd get a good night's sleep, and be tossed to the curb the following morning.
Cinderella- If Cinderella happened today, it would be transformed into a reality show. Each show would end with the long, drawn out, suspenseful ending as Prince Charming attempts to fit the glass slipper on a lovely maiden’s foot. You see the Prince’s face. You see her face. You see the glass slipper. You see her foot. The music intensifies. You see his eyes… her eyes… (the tempo of the music increases)...the slipper…the foot…then break to commercial.
Saturday, July 2, 2011
Saturday's Little Known Facts #6
Only 1 is true.
-Prior to their careers as entertainers, the Ringling Brothers owned and operated a successful and highly regarded daycare in Trenton, NJ. It was while observing the unique talents of the children during playtime that inspired them to begin their traveling circus.
- In ancient Egypt, beer was valuable it was used as currency. In fact the workers who built the pyramids were paid 1 gallon of beer a day.
-Prior to their careers as entertainers, the Ringling Brothers owned and operated a successful and highly regarded daycare in Trenton, NJ. It was while observing the unique talents of the children during playtime that inspired them to begin their traveling circus.
- In ancient Egypt, beer was valuable it was used as currency. In fact the workers who built the pyramids were paid 1 gallon of beer a day.
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