You Can't Make This Stuff Up - Today

Now that I’m a father of four, I’ve had a chance to re-read/watch many of the popular children’s stories, and nursery rhymes. As a child, I accepted them for what they were. But now as an adult, I have a different perspective on most of these.

For example, I just don’t understand how Jack can be nimble enough and quick enough to jump over a candlestick, as well as climb up a beanstalk, escape from a giant, and climb back down the beanstalk with a gold harp under his arm, but can not walk down a hill with a pail of water without falling and breaking his crown. I also don’t understand how Jack is portrayed as a hero in “Jack and the Beanstalk”. Besides making lousy business decisions, he broke several laws, including trespassing, theft, and oh yeah, MURDER. And the giant falling to his death is the happy ending? He was the victim! Not exactly the type of lessons I want to teach my children.

Other stories I now take issue with:

The Tortoise and the Hare- The moral of the story is slow and steady wins the race. Well, not the nuclear arms race.

Humpty Dumpty- The Kings men sure were on the scene pretty quick to clean up that mess. I wonder what dirt Humpty Dumpty had on the King before his “fall”.

And despite Hollywood’s best efforts, you just can’t recreate some of these stories. Why the invention of the cell phone alone would ruin a bunch of stories. The Three Little Pigs wouldn’t be much of a story if they could just call each other up and agree to meet at the 3^rd pig’s brick house. Hansel and Gretel could have used a GPS app on their phones to find their way home.  Or maybe they'd use their phones to call child services and report their mother. Cell phones, internet, and all the other modern advancements would dramatically change other stories.

The Pied Piper- The Mayor of Frenchville employs this colorfully dressed weirdo to eradicate the town of all the rats. When the Mayor refuses to pay the Pied Piper, he plays his flute, and all the children of the town follow him deep into the forest. Had the Mayor gone to beenverified.com, maybe he would have thought twice about hiring this odd fellow. If the townsfolk had gone to As Seen On TV website, they could have just invested in the Riddex Plus pest removal device, and none of that would have happened..

Snow White & The Seven Dwarfs- How many of the dwarfs would have changed their Facebook relationship statuses immediately after Snow White moved in, claiming her as their girlfriend? I don’t think “It’s Complicated” would come close to describe it for Snow White. And I wouldn’t put capitalizing on a hidden cam website past the dwarfs either. I don’t think Dopey was as dopey as he’s made out to be.

Little Red Riding Hood- I’d hope in today’s world, Red’s parents would have taken her to Lenscrafters and gotten the poor girl some damn glasses, or lasik surgery or something. How could she not tell that was a wolf in the bed? Was her grandmother really that ugly?

The Princess & the Pea- A Queen determines a young lady is fit to marry her son if she can feel a pea beneath 20 mattresses.  Today she could simply change the sleep number mattress setting.  She'd get a good night's sleep, and be tossed to the curb the following morning.

Cinderella- If Cinderella happened today, it would be transformed into a reality show. Each show would end with the long, drawn out, suspenseful ending as Prince Charming attempts to fit the glass slipper on a lovely maiden’s foot. You see the Prince’s face. You see her face. You see the glass slipper. You see her foot. The music intensifies. You see his eyes… her eyes… (the tempo of the music increases)...the slipper…the foot…then break to commercial.