CSI-Nursery Rhyme

I’ve never considered myself a conspiracy theorist, but if you’ve read my nursery rhyme blog, you will remember that I believe Humpty Dumpty falling was no mere accident. It turns out I have become privy to Humpty Dumpty’s “suicide” note. I used quotes because I still believe there was foul play, and will continue to believe so until I see some concrete forensic evidence that proves me wrong. Humpty Dumpty was regarded as good egg, with man, with a strong circle of friends around him.  Sure things had taken a turn for the worse, as his wife Lorraine, had recently left him.  But I think there's more to this story than simply falling off a wall.  Here is the actual “suicide” note, plus an easier to read copy verbatim. Judge for yourself.


 

　

To my beloved friends and family,

A year ago my life was at its best.
I married Lorraine and we settled in to our love nest.

We hatched a plan for me to work at Mother Goose Inc.
The hours were long and the pay did stink.

But I always dreamed of staring in my own nursery rhyme.  
Whenever I asked Mother Goose acted as if she had no time.

“Ohmm let it be. Your time will come, wait and see”.
“Ohmm lets talk in a week. I have many more people with whom to speak”.
“Ohmm let this” and “Ohmm let that” is all she'd say.
Once she even had security whisk me away.


Lorraine said she had heard little Boy Blue was close to a deal.
She said his idea of playing a horn is something I should steal.

She said it was the only way it would seem.
But I would not poach another’s dream.  

Such lack of faith left me bedeviled.
Eggs like me do things on the level.

She didn't understand.  She blew a gasket.
She left with everything we had in a 1 basket.

Sadly for this egg, nog and anxiety have made me a shell of my former self
And now I sit atop  this wall, like an unwanted toy on the top shelf

My thoughts are scrambled. My brain is fried.
I gave it my all.  I really did try.

I really feel as like I'm cracking up.
Can't take it anymore. I've had enough.

-Humpty J Dumpty.


After reading this, my immediate thought was that this was a forgery, for a few reasons.  A handwriting analyst associate of mine once told me that handwriting that slants upwards to the right, as it does in this note, indicates optimism- generally not a characteristic of someone with suicidal thoughts.

And Humpty hardly ever drank. If/and when he did it was a glass of white Zinfandel.  Every one knew he couldn't handle the strong ale mentioned in the note.  So did alcohol cause this incident?

Doubtful. 

Furthermore, the note was found in Humpty Dumpty's home, not with him when he fell from the wall.  That wouldn't be such a red flag if it were not for the spot of yolk on the bottom of the note.  So he was already bleeding when he wrote the note, which was found in his home?  I believe that egg was beaten before he ever made it to that wall.

I have a feeling Humpty Dumpty knew something.  Something big.  Something that someone didn't want anyone else to know.  Something on someone who would do anything and everything to ensure this information didn't get out.

So I began to ask around.  The Cow said she had seen Humpty wandering the streets late at night while she was jumping over the moon.  Most notably, he was seen around the Mother Goose Inc building and the backside of the King's palace.  Interesting considering all the King's horsemen arrived so soon after Humpty "fell", and tidied up that mess so quickly.

So perhaps there's a connection between Humpy, Mother Goose, and the King.  Original testimony from Little Miss Muffet and Little Bo Peep stated that they heard Mother Goose screaming at Humpty Dumpty in her office a few days prior to the "fall".  I attempted to interview Little Miss Muffet myself, but last anyone heard she sat down to eat her curds and way in the park, until along came a big, hairy, goon of a spider, and nobody has seen her since. 

Convenient.

As far as Little Bo Peep goes, her sheep have suddenly disappeared.  When I approached her she was visibly shaken and refused to speak on this matter.

Then there was Jack and Jill.  Word around town is that Jack and Humpty had had several meetings in the weeks prior.  In fact Humpty met with Jack just 3 hours before his demise! But before anyone could question Jack and Jill, they were sent out on a silly job to fetch some water.  You know the rest- - Jack breaks his crown, and Jill comes tumbling after.  So now Jack is also gone and Jill is in no condition to talk, even if she wanted to.   I've said it before and I'll say it again-- I find it hard to believe that Jack was nimble enough and quick enough to jump over a candlestick, but gravely injures himself carrying a damn pail of water down a hill. 

Again, very convenient.

There is no doubt Humpty Dumpty's life had become a mess.  The Land of Nursery Rhymes has never been known to have a lot of work for eggs.  Benedict, Humpty's neighbor, knew he was having trouble keeping up with his bills..  Friends, and even acquaintances said they could see signs his marriage was dissolving.  Rumor has it the butcher, the baker, and the candlestick maker weren't the only ones in that tub. 

Yet as bad as things were for Humpty Dumpty, I just can not believe his death was either an accident, as originally reported, or a suicide, as this note suggests.  I'm telling you, there is something rotten about this egg's death.

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Upcoming Randomalities:

-  A Tribute or Scathing Expose of Columbus Day ( my perspective is yet to be determined)
-  The 1st ever My-Randomalities-ies Awards
-  and maybe a blog about ducks

 

BASF'ing Things Up

You ever see those commercials for the company BASF?  They don't have a store and you can't buy anything from them.  But they proudly declare, "At BASF, we don't make a lot of the products you buy.  We make a lot of the products you buy better."   The positive feedback on my ideas to fix yellow lights, and thus making driving everywhere safer, as well as my solution to increase revenue for the Post Office --shameful plug alert-- (in "Meet The Press This Ain't" & "Saving the Post Office One Tooth At a Time", respectively), has gone to my head.  So why stop there?  Why not make like BASF, and make some other things better?

New Jersey Driver Licenses- There is a battle brewing in the Garden State between the DMV and its happy drivers.  Apparently the DMV is the New Jersey equivalent of Disney World, as people can't seem to wipe the smiles off of their faces.  Smiling however, is frowned upon these days.  Such an exaggerated facial expression confuses their facial recognition software, which is used to check their database of 19 million drivers and ensure each driver is who they say they are and that they have only 1 driving record.  Yeah, sure the software is being used to stamp out fraud.  Come on, New Jersey!  We've all seen The Sopranos. 

Anyway, some New Jersey drivers take umbrage with this.  They prefer to save their mug shot pose for when they actually have their mug shot taken.  Both sides are unyielding, as several drivers have walked out without having their photo taken.  This whole song and dance can be easily avoided.

New Jersey, you need to create an uncomfortable atmosphere where even the happiest of smiles will surely die- like a real DMV.  First off, turn up the heat.  Regardless of the season, make sure it is always stuffy in there.  Place a clock on each wall and make sure none of them are synchronized because that is both confusing and irritating.  Have the same song playing on repeat, for example Alanis Morissette's "Ironic".  And adorn your walls with creepy clown paintings.  Not scary clown paintings, with fangs and knives, but just weird and not happy.  And just artistically poor.

Train your employees that they must wait at least a full two minutes before seeing the next person.  Two minutes in real time is equal to 19 minutes in DMV time, even in New Jersey.  Make sure drivers are seated in front of a neutral backdrop.  Remove any normal chairs and replace them with stools with bicycle seats.  Instruct your employees to get up and leave for at least another 2 minutes once the driver sits down.  When they return, the driver should have heard Alanis sing "Its like 10,000 spoons when all you need is a knife" for the third time by now, and may actually find the song to be ironic, as they also are wishing for a knife right now.  Regardless, there will be many more looks of contempt than smiles. 

And in reality, the facial recognition software will become even more efficient, since it will have a database full of murderous glares.  So your welcome in advance, New Jersey.

**I don't want to come off as a killjoy or government stooge, but my kids who may one day want to visit New Jersey and I'd rest easier knowing this software was helping catch criminals.**


Local News- Okay, listen here news producers, I am well aware of how the tease works.  And for the most part, I'm okay with you creating a little suspense in your broadcast.  But a great number of your viewers are tuning in solely for the weather.  Not everybody has time to wait until the 17 minute mark for the full report.  It doesn't matter what time of day it is - morning, noon, or night.  Just give us the damn weather report already.

Not the dew point.  Not the time of the sunset.  Don't show me a map with red and blue lines all over it.  Show me a screen with the 5 day forecast - high & low temperatures and chance of precipitation and that's it- in the first 3 minutes of every broadcast!  No exceptions.

Listen, people have to get the kids ready for school, make dinner, spend half their day in the DMV.  We don't have time for this.  Sure local weatherman Tad Whitley or whoever your local weatherman may be is as handsome as he is paid.  Why wouldn't you put him on camera, especially with those cheekbones?  But he'll have to wait until later to stand in front of a green screen and bore us with things like pollen counts and how many names of clouds he knows.

Your Vacation Photos-  I'm afraid I do have to single out one group of people in this instance, and I'm not going to sugarcoat this at all.  White women (although this does apply to some men as well), do not get vacation cornrows.  Ever!  Cornrows are not meant for you.  What better time than to do something uncharacteristic of you than on vacation?  But ladies, if you get vacation cornrows, they will always haunt you.  Trust me.  Lets flip through your photo album and see how this plays out.

Photo from Day 1- You and your significant other, arms around each other, are on a gorgeous beach, both smiling widely.  Awww, you guys. Its so nice you two finally went away.
Photo from Day 2- There you are, with your vacation cornrows in place.  Look at you. Same beautiful beach, the love of your life by your side.  Now look a little closer.  You have a tan face, braided hair, and streaks of blinding bright white scalp.  Your head kind of looks like a backgammon board.  Your significant other never wears sunglasses, ever, but bought a pair just before this photo was taken.  And is that a moth flying around your head? In the daytime?!
Photo from Day 3- There the two of you are again on the beach.  The sun has really taken to you. You have acquired quite a nice tan on your face and body.  But there isn't an SPF high enough to protect that albino-like scalp, as your vacation corn rows alternate with strips of your beat red,  sun scorched skin.   Your significant other has his arm around you, but he isn't really touching you.  He is smiling, but is also holding a very large alcoholic drink and looking down the beach at something...or someone.  And look closer.  The people in the background in the water are not actually engaged in a splash fight, but rather laughing at you so hard they can't help but flail about in the water. 

On the Randomalities scale of Bad Ideas, with a 5 being "Giving Monkeys Blowtorches Bad", vacation corn rows rate a 3 ( "Green lighting the Movie 'Glitter" Bad).    The regret may not be immediate, but you will never want to see them again.


And that friends, is what the BASF is up!

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Remember you can "LIKE/FOLLOW"  My-Randomalities on facebook.  Please direct any and all stupid questions there for an "Ask a Stupid Question Day" (9/28) blog. 

Save The Date

HAPPY INTERNATIONAL DAY FOR THE PRESERVATION OF THE OZONE LAYER EVERYONE!!  Boy, it really snuck up on us this year.  Celebrate the day by minimizing rocket flights, cutting back on the use of Aqua net, and don't deforest anywhere.  Keep in mind, that this is an international celebration, so if you planned on going to a Poison concert in Tijuana and wanted to get nostalgic by bringing back your 80's hairdo, it will be frowned upon.  The same goes if you need a some extra firewood and want to jump across the border to Canada and chop down some of their trees.  Tomorrow. you can chop down as many trees as you want, but not today friend.

Days like this are important.  Of course we all know when the big holidays are, like Thanksgiving, Christmas, and Presidents' Day ( you ever notice how every mattress dealer has big Presidents' Day sales?  Why is that?  What is the correlation  between Washington, Lincoln, and mattresses? Topic for another time I suppose).  But there are other noteworthy days that don't quite get the national recognition that they should.  That is until now.  Having nearly missed National Milkshake Day last week, I decided I'd bring to your attention some other big days (mostly American) from now until New Year's so that nobody looks foolish when the actual day comes, like today.

Sept 19- International Talk Like a Pirate Day.  What a world we live in where we honor the people that raped, pillaged, stole, murdered, and did many more unethical and unsanitary things by simply adding an "aaarrgh" or "matey" to our sentences.  The best part is that this  is recognized world wide, so people in France, Germany, and Japan will also be talking this way. 

Sept 22- OneWebDay.  This is an annual day of Internet celebration and awareness.  Somewhere there is a grown man in his mother's basement not feeling quite so guilty about looking at porn all day.

Sept 28- World Rabies Day.  There is no joke here.  I'm just curious why they named it World Rabies Day.  Certainly sounds like the disease is being celebrated doesn't it?  Shouldn't it be called World Rabies Awareness or Prevention Day?  Who was in charge of naming that one?

Sept 28- Ask a Stupid Question Day.  No, really.  Its a real day.  This may require a separate blog all to itself.  Please send your stupid question to the My-Randomalities facebook page and lets see what fun we can have with this one.

Sept 29- International Coffee Day.  Prepare for this day by staying up all night on Sept 28 annoying your friends with stupid questions.  And its another international day, so you can sample some fine Colombian coffee, or even better, have an excuse to drink several cups of Irish coffee.

Oct 9- World Post Day.  This day is in remembrance of the creation of the Universal Postal Union in 1874 in Switzerland.  It began the communications revolution as people could begin to write to others all around the world.  To celebrate this monumental occasion, write a letter to:
Jon Dicdican
Hammersminni 18
765 Djupavogi
Iceland                  

Yes its a real address and person, and hopefully one who will appreciate a little extra mail.

Oct 16- Boss's Day.  I encourage you to celebrate Ask a Stupid Question Day at work, bombarding your boss with so many stupid questions he/she gets to the point of nearly hurling a stapler at your face.  But today take it easy on them.  Show up on time and don't say much.  They'll probably appreciate that, and if all goes well, in turn, leave you alone.  Oh and guys, take out the trash before the Mrs has to tell you. 

Oct 21- International Day of the Nacho.  Dios mio!!  Spend your day eating heaps of nachos with some beef and ooey, gooey cheese on top.  May as well call it Get Fat Day.

Nov 2- Statehood Day (North & South Dakota).  On this day in 1889 both states were simultaneously admitted to the Union.  For one day each year, the people of North Dakota & South Dakota (the real Dakota) can set aside their differences.

Nov 11- Singles Day (China).  This day gets its name from the four 1's in the date.  On this day many people choose to say good bye to the single life by attending blind date parties.  If there is one thing My-Randomalities is all for, its the love.  However, it caught my attention that a country that is so over populated would have a day to encourage people to get together, and most likely, get it on.

Nov 16- Icelandic Language Day (Iceland).  It would have been better if this day came before World Post Day, because I have no idea if Jon Dicdican knows any English.  But the least I can do is raise awareness to his native language, and maybe he'll get some letters written to him in Icelandic on World Post Day 2013.

Nov 20- Universal Children's Day.  This day was established in 1954 to protect children from working long hours and in dangerous circumstances.  There have been a lot of changes in child labor laws in the US, but not every country has followed.  Be conscious of this, and give Junior the night off from washing the dishes.  He can do them in the morning.

Nov 21- World Hello Day.  The idea of this day is that by saying "Hello" to at least 10 people, we are setting an example for world leaders to use communication rather than force to settle conflicts.  Nov 21 is a bad day for World Hello Day though, because Nov 21 is also:

World Television Day.  If you choose to celebrate World Television Day by only venturing off your couch for a bathroom breaks in instances like the commercial break before the showcase showdown on The Price Is Right, the only people you may say 'hello' to are your boss when you call off work, and the 2 people you talk to when you order and receive your pizza delivery.

Dec 14- Monkey Day.  Eat some bananas.  Watch King Kong.  Pull little bugs out of your children's hair.  If you go all out and fling poo, don't invite me over for your celebration.

Dec 23- Night of the Radishes (Oaxaca, Mexico).  On Noches de Rabanos, the main attraction of the festivities is an exhibition of sculptures made solely from radishes, some as big as 6 whole pounds!  Sculptures can be as intricate as nativity scenes or detailed models of real buildings.  And college kids waste their money going Cancun in March.

Meet The Press This Ain't

Election season is upon us once again. For some voters, their choice was made months ago.  I however do not subscribe to the ideologies of either the Republican or Democratic parties enough where they simply have my vote.  After all, I've always been a staunch supporter of the Whig Party (they may not have won an election in 164 years, but you don't hear people bitching about Zachary Taylor much either, do you?!).
 
I'm not going to say who to vote for, nor do I want this blog to become an open forum for political debate, as its purpose has always been and always will be for amusement (hopefully) purposes.  Naturally I'm interested in fixing the economy, the environment, education, etc.  But there are other less prevalent issues that are very dear to my heart as well. My very logical yet modest proposals should not be high priorities on any political agenda, but adopting a similar stance on these topics can't hurt a candidate's chances either.

TRANSPORTATION:
#1- According to my calculations, 82% of stress  in the world is a direct result of an ill placed NO TURN ON RED sign, which, by the way, are always ill placed.  Come on, whats the big deal about that really?  Come to a stop, yield to traffic and pedestrians, and if the coast is clear, go.  Why must I sit there for 3 eternity-like minutes, only to have your Aunt Edna, in her beat up Oldsmobile with cigarette tinted windows, finally putt putt her way through the intersection, and then have to coast behind her 15 mph below the speed limit?  Take down all those useless signs, send them to a recycling plant and have them turned in to slides and placed in various playgrounds throughout the country.

#2-Who really knows how long a yellow light lasts.  Four seconds?  Six seconds? Seventeen seconds?  Nobody knows!  And while the purpose is to signify caution, a yellow light is basically just a green light on steroids, telling you to hurry up and floor it, regardless of the speed limit.  Who hasn't trucked along through a 25 mph zone, only to to see a yellow light and floor it (especially if you have to make a right turn, but are prohibited for some reason), topping out at 50 mph, eyes looking straight up to see if you made it, only to slam on the brakes once through, and continue driving responsibly-ish?

Why not put a countdown of numbers within the yellow light, so you know exactly when the light will turn red and you can better gauge your chances of making it through at your current speed?

#3- City bus drivers will all get a small piece of power that many would envy.  I propose each bus be equipped with a button that the driver can use at their discretion, to jam all cellphone signals.  All too often a sense of decorum is lost in public settings, and some people feel the person on the other end of the phone isn't the only one who wants to hear their story, or even worse, they use language that would make a Hell's Angel blush.  That's all fine and dandy when you are home, but chances are the 34 other people on the bus don't want to hear that noise.

FAMILY WELFARE:
I believe some pressure needs to be applied  to the makers of children's movies, most notably Disney, to re-release a version of at least one movie where the mother does NOT die, helping to ease up the creation of clinging children and their separation anxiety.  I don't care which movie - Bambi, Brother Bear, Finding Nemo, anything.  Its rough on mothers to deal with a child having a melt down when they leave, and a bit of a blow to a father's self esteem too to see a child be reduced to tears when told they will be left with me, I mean him.  In fact I'd be for more Disney fathers being killed off to even things out a bit, actually.  The Lion King is a nice start, but I think its time for some  more fictional fathers to be whacked.

MEDICARE:
I don't have the answers to solve our nation's problems regarding health care.  But I have an answer to stop the asinine questions you are asked when you enter a doctor's office.  Manners are great, but do you really need to ask how I am?  Isn't that obvious?  I'm at the doctor's office.  I need medical attention!

How am I?  Well this barf is fresh, but this shirt already had a puke stain from a kegger in the woods last month, so I'm not too worried about it.  Can we open that window?

How am I?  I cleaned my ear this morning and blood has been trickling out ever since, but a pint of blood really isn't that much right?  Mind if I sit down?

How am I?  My knee is bent 45 degrees the wrong way, but its OK because I have an audition with Cirque Du Soleil this afternoon.

Such increased stress to your existing malady is an unnecessary annoyance which should not go unpunished.  If anyone in the physician's office asks you how you are doing, you should be allowed-no, legally obligated to kick them in the shins, unless of course you are there due to a foot injury, in which case a charlie horse shall suffice. 

And should your physician ever have the stones to ask you why you are sick (it happened to me, as I was asked why I repeatedly got a certain infection), not only will be the visit free, the cost of the visit, whether it were to be paid by you or your insurance company, will paid in full to you.  That's only fair, since you are being asked to do the doctor's job.

All in all, I think solving these little problems will result in a healthier/happier nation.  Stress and anger as a whole will be significantly reduced (unless you are a polite nurse/doctor who forgets to wear shin guards to work). 

God Bless America.

A Call for a Hero

The Center for Disease Control reported this week that thousands of people are at risk of contracting the deadly hantavirus after visiting Yosemite National Park this summer.  This mouse-borne virus is rare, but deadly.  So far it has claimed two lives, with so many more people having been exposed to the virus, that number will likely rise.

Sitting in my home thousands of miles away, I feel helpless, as thousands of people may unknowingly be infected, and more campers continue to roll in to Yosemite.  Well, almost helpless that is.  I feel it is my civic duty to help my fellow Americans, and with the power of the Internet, I think I can.  So I will use this blog like a beacon in the night sky, calling upon an unlikely hero to rise again in this dark hour.  And it is my hope that by the grace of God, this blog will find its way to Little Bunny Foo Foo.

Little Bunny Foo Foo, you have been cast as a bully, a ruffian, a thug of the woods, responsible for blatant, unwarranted rodent-on-rodent violence.  The Good Fairy, most likely a pawn of PETA, has chased you to obscurity, with the threat of turning you into a goon should you bop any more mice on their heads.  And look what has transpired in your absence.  Mice, small in stature, but as large in numbers as they are arrogant, have run rampant on the campsites of Yosemite, happily urinating and defecating wherever they damn well please with no respect to human life.

Only you can strike fear in to the mice, Little Bunny Foo Foo.  Only you can rid the land of the "Cockroaches of Rodent Family".  Only you can eradicate these vile, uncouth vermin.  You are our only hope.  The mice are many and strong, and Aquaman's powers have already proven to be useless against them.

So go Little Bunny Foo Foo. Hop through the forest. Even skip if you must, we won't judge you. Bop those mice on their heads. Bop the heart they say you never had out. Bop heads like you've never bopped heads before. Bop field mice, deer mice, white footed mice, brown mice, chipmunks ( I know they were in on it too). Bop them all I say. Bop until you can bop know more. Then give them purple nerples, noogies, Indian burns, whatever it takes to get them to leave.

You need not worry about that Good Fairy, mouse apologist that she is. I have dispatched Aquaman to run interference.  Turns out he is useful for something.  Despite living under a coral reef, the saltwater hasn't hurt that head of pristine blonde hair.  I mean seriously, it just keeps coming at you like waves of gold.  Even the brawniest of lumberjacks would be distracted. Oh and those eyes...

Umm, but getting back on track, your nation needs you Little Bunny Foo Foo. Your story is not done being written.  Your legacy has not been set in stone.  Goon is no longer your destiny.  Hero is. 
  
Good luck and Godspeed.