CSI-Nursery Rhyme

I’ve never considered myself a conspiracy theorist, but if you’ve read my nursery rhyme blog, you will remember that I believe Humpty Dumpty falling was no mere accident. It turns out I have become privy to Humpty Dumpty’s “suicide” note. I used quotes because I still believe there was foul play, and will continue to believe so until I see some concrete forensic evidence that proves me wrong. Humpty Dumpty was regarded as good egg, with man, with a strong circle of friends around him.  Sure things had taken a turn for the worse, as his wife Lorraine, had recently left him.  But I think there's more to this story than simply falling off a wall.  Here is the actual “suicide” note, plus an easier to read copy verbatim. Judge for yourself.


 

　

To my beloved friends and family,

A year ago my life was at its best.
I married Lorraine and we settled in to our love nest.

We hatched a plan for me to work at Mother Goose Inc.
The hours were long and the pay did stink.

But I always dreamed of staring in my own nursery rhyme.  
Whenever I asked Mother Goose acted as if she had no time.

“Ohmm let it be. Your time will come, wait and see”.
“Ohmm lets talk in a week. I have many more people with whom to speak”.
“Ohmm let this” and “Ohmm let that” is all she'd say.
Once she even had security whisk me away.


Lorraine said she had heard little Boy Blue was close to a deal.
She said his idea of playing a horn is something I should steal.

She said it was the only way it would seem.
But I would not poach another’s dream.  

Such lack of faith left me bedeviled.
Eggs like me do things on the level.

She didn't understand.  She blew a gasket.
She left with everything we had in a 1 basket.

Sadly for this egg, nog and anxiety have made me a shell of my former self
And now I sit atop  this wall, like an unwanted toy on the top shelf

My thoughts are scrambled. My brain is fried.
I gave it my all.  I really did try.

I really feel as like I'm cracking up.
Can't take it anymore. I've had enough.

-Humpty J Dumpty.


After reading this, my immediate thought was that this was a forgery, for a few reasons.  A handwriting analyst associate of mine once told me that handwriting that slants upwards to the right, as it does in this note, indicates optimism- generally not a characteristic of someone with suicidal thoughts.

And Humpty hardly ever drank. If/and when he did it was a glass of white Zinfandel.  Every one knew he couldn't handle the strong ale mentioned in the note.  So did alcohol cause this incident?

Doubtful. 

Furthermore, the note was found in Humpty Dumpty's home, not with him when he fell from the wall.  That wouldn't be such a red flag if it were not for the spot of yolk on the bottom of the note.  So he was already bleeding when he wrote the note, which was found in his home?  I believe that egg was beaten before he ever made it to that wall.

I have a feeling Humpty Dumpty knew something.  Something big.  Something that someone didn't want anyone else to know.  Something on someone who would do anything and everything to ensure this information didn't get out.

So I began to ask around.  The Cow said she had seen Humpty wandering the streets late at night while she was jumping over the moon.  Most notably, he was seen around the Mother Goose Inc building and the backside of the King's palace.  Interesting considering all the King's horsemen arrived so soon after Humpty "fell", and tidied up that mess so quickly.

So perhaps there's a connection between Humpy, Mother Goose, and the King.  Original testimony from Little Miss Muffet and Little Bo Peep stated that they heard Mother Goose screaming at Humpty Dumpty in her office a few days prior to the "fall".  I attempted to interview Little Miss Muffet myself, but last anyone heard she sat down to eat her curds and way in the park, until along came a big, hairy, goon of a spider, and nobody has seen her since. 

Convenient.

As far as Little Bo Peep goes, her sheep have suddenly disappeared.  When I approached her she was visibly shaken and refused to speak on this matter.

Then there was Jack and Jill.  Word around town is that Jack and Humpty had had several meetings in the weeks prior.  In fact Humpty met with Jack just 3 hours before his demise! But before anyone could question Jack and Jill, they were sent out on a silly job to fetch some water.  You know the rest- - Jack breaks his crown, and Jill comes tumbling after.  So now Jack is also gone and Jill is in no condition to talk, even if she wanted to.   I've said it before and I'll say it again-- I find it hard to believe that Jack was nimble enough and quick enough to jump over a candlestick, but gravely injures himself carrying a damn pail of water down a hill. 

Again, very convenient.

There is no doubt Humpty Dumpty's life had become a mess.  The Land of Nursery Rhymes has never been known to have a lot of work for eggs.  Benedict, Humpty's neighbor, knew he was having trouble keeping up with his bills..  Friends, and even acquaintances said they could see signs his marriage was dissolving.  Rumor has it the butcher, the baker, and the candlestick maker weren't the only ones in that tub. 

Yet as bad as things were for Humpty Dumpty, I just can not believe his death was either an accident, as originally reported, or a suicide, as this note suggests.  I'm telling you, there is something rotten about this egg's death.

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Upcoming Randomalities:

-  A Tribute or Scathing Expose of Columbus Day ( my perspective is yet to be determined)
-  The 1st ever My-Randomalities-ies Awards
-  and maybe a blog about ducks