Planes, Trains, & Automobiles: The Good, The Bad, & The Ugly

No friends, this is not a movie critique blog.  Although I will say Planes, Trains, and Automobiles is without a doubt the best Thanksgiving movie ever, and in my opinion, John Candy's opus.  This week's random topic is on transportation, with the name sake of one movie being classified by the namesake of another.

The Good- Trains. 
Since I've never really ridden on a train, with the exception of the trolley system in Pittsburgh, with rides lasting no longer than 20 minutes, I have a fairly positive opinion of traveling by locomotive.  Of course, I had a similar perspective of traveling long distance by bus prior to experiencing the purgatory on wheels myself ( friendly tip- if you are headed on a 10 hour bus trip tomorrow, don't drink yourself stupid tonight, because you may not be as lucky as I was to get in to the restroom to empty your stomach.  And that will be the only time you will ever hear getting in to a bus restroom as a "lucky" occasion). 

Trains helped build this country, expand industry and trade, as well as provide Hollywood with a unique setting for films.  The train station became an iconic setting rich with romance, drama, mystery, and bittersweet moments that just can not be captured in other modes of transportation.

Imagine the following- its a chilly evening, and the clouds have begun to move in, obscuring some of the half moon's already dim light.  Two star crossed lovers walk hand in hand, but only one is carrying a boarding pass.The protagonist reluctantly escorts his heroine to her train car, offering encouraging words and a strong embrace when the conductor gives his final cry of "All aboard".  She boards and quickly finds a seat by the window, and her eyes lock with his, peering into each others' souls.  She places her hand on the window as if to wave goodbye, and like a magnet, his hand is drawn to hers.  Hands pressed together, separated by a thin pane of glass, they can almost feel each other's pulse, their hearts beating as one.  The whistle blows, and the train begins its departure.  Slowly, she is pulled from him.  With his hand in place, he steps forward with the car.  Her lips quiver ever so slightly, as the words "I love you" escape from her mouth.  His head offers the faintest of nods, echoing her sentiments.  His breath pours out of his nose in the cold, biting, night air, as he tries desperately to keep up with her, refusing to let go of the one love he knows he can never have.  Unable to hold pace, he stops, yet his eyes have never left hers.  A tear drops on to her cheek, and then she vanishes in to the darkness.

Now lets try the same scenario with a 1993 Ford Escort.  Its a chilly night.  It is time for our heroine to bid farewell to our hero.  She gets in the Escort.  His eyes glare in to hers, and she gives a nod of approval.  He places his hand on the window, and begins to push the little hatchback forward.  The sound of the ignition turning is quickly drowned out by Whitesnake's "Here I Go Again" crackling through the one functioning speaker.  Their eyes remain locked, as he runs beside her, pushing her car in to the street.  Finally, the engine pops, and the car starts.  She slowly accelerates down the street.  He whispers the word "Go" from his trembling lips while he trots a few steps further, if for nothing else but to keep warm, as she took his good flannel with her.  Realizing she is gone, he takes a step back, pauses, and then begins to move towards his love again, afraid he'll have to pop start that piece of junk once more as she sits at the red light 50 yards ahead.  I know there's no turn on red,but dammit just go! His walk to her escalates to a light jog, when at last she looks in all directions without seeing a cop, and drives right on red, and right out of his life. 

Doesn't quite invoke the same type of emotion does it?

The Bad- Planes.
The actual physics of traveling by plane are not bad, as I can't be that crazy to say NY to LA in a few hours is worse than 3 days in a 1993 Ford Escort.  But flying has its fair share of cons associated with it.  Here are few areas I want to concentrate on.

In case you didn't know this, the moving walkway, or nerdier sounding horizontalator as it is also know as, is to assist people in a hurry to reach their destinations, not so lazy people can take a break of the strenuous activity of walking 30 feet.  It kills me when I see a person in an obvious hurry trying to make up lost time hop on only to get caught in a standstill behind some people who view the moving walkway as a chance to become stationary and admire the small TGI Friday's, smoking lounges, and all the other sights you see scattered throughout the terminals.  They are there for a reason, a good reason.  There will be several hours to sit and relax on the plane.  "But what about the elderly and disabled?" you ask.  They should get their own travelator (another nerdy alias of the device).  But any able bodied person caught slouching over the rail, impeding an other's progress should be struck with a cattle prod to keep the herd moving.

Maybe some people need to use the moving walkway because they are running late.  Maybe they are using it so they can secure possession of the arm rest before anyone else.  Its puzzling that its almost 2013 and armrests must still be an issue. Make them bigger already!  Color the left side blue and the right side red, so each person has their territory marked, and get on with the handing out of the pretzels. Its really ridiculous when you consider all the advances in aviation in the last 100 years, and insufficient arm rest space still has not been properly address by any of the major airlines.  

Also I really want to see a crash test dummy video of what exactly will happen to my body in the event of a crash if I don't return my seat to the full upright position.  What type of additional damage can I expect if I am to be propelled forward an extra inch and half while already free falling from the sky at hundreds of miles per hour?  Call me a pessimist, but I don't like my chances in either case.

The Ugly- Automobiles.
One man's junk is another man's treasure, which is why so many woody wagons were made in the 80's.  But this is not a commentary on automobile design,  Unless you are Amish, you probably can not imagine life without a car (and if you are Amish, I'm flattered you are reading this).  The invention of the automobile led to the invention of automobile accessories.  Beaded seat covers, trucker hats, and "Honk if You're Horny" bumper stickers would fade in to non-existence like Marty McFly if the automobile never were created.   And I think if Henry Ford was alive today, he would be really impressed that we have developed the technology to replicate New Car smell and contain it on a small, pine tree shaped piece of cardboard.

But it hasn't been all good.  Sometimes things get taken to far.  I was dumbfounded the first time I saw a car driving through my neighborhood with the following:
                         

That's right, CAR EYELASHES!!  These things make the car bra's of the 90's seem as fashionable and sensible as denim jeans.  And this particular photo is extra hilarious, since someone defiled a BMW with these things. 


On the Randomalities scale of Bad Ideas, with a 5 being "Giving Monkeys Blowtorches Bad", this rates as a 2 ( "Taking a road trip with Kathy Griffin Bad").  They are annoying and unattractive, and show a desperate need for attention.  A 2 is a low number on the scale, based on its harmlessness, but a low score on the Randomalities Scale of Bad Ideas is still never ever anything to be proud of. 

They better never ever put eyelashes on a train.
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- An Untapped Source of Horror
- The 2012 My-Randomalities-ies Awards
- maybe a blog on windmills.
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America's Funniest Injustice

Reality TV has had its fair share of scandals over the years.  While misdeeds by the cast of characters on shows like American Idol and  Jersey Shore tend to grab the headlines, the Investigative Journalism team at My-Randomalities has uncovered a particular injustice on America's Funniest Videos.

It was Sunday, October 14, 2012.  The third place winner, and recipient of  $2,000 was announced, right before the first place winner, who would take home a cool $10,000.  First suspicion arose when the 2 videos in question were considered for the grand prizes, as they were hardly the funniest entries.  What really struck a discord was when the two winners' home towns were announced.  Both the third and first place winners on AMERICA'S Funniest Videos hailed from Canada.  Canada!

A fire burned in my belly.  My blood boiled.  Anger seethed from my pores, rendering me nearly speechless.  Its no wonder our economy is such a mess when we are simply handing over twelve thousand American dollars to the Canucks.   

Here's what won the top prize- a Canadian man grabbed his video camera in his Canadian home as his Canadian toddler emptied his wallet (mostly business cards, not credit cards, Canadian money, or Canadian ID, which would be worse, and subsequently funnier) and placed the contents in the heating vent.  The Canadian man opened the vent and found a bunch of more business cards.  Is that really worth 10 G's?  That video should not have been placed in the top 3 even if the show was called Earth's Funniest Videos. 

This stinks of an inside job, and after a little poking around,  my suspicions proved correct.  AFV is co-produced by Todd Thicke, brother of Alan Thicke.  I know two fun facts about Alan Thicke:
1-He wrote the theme song to "The Facts of Life". 
2-He is Canadian.
You've got to be kidding me!  So Canada has a mole in the hierarchy of our most prized and cherished amateur blooper program.  How did this happen?  How could this happen?!

Listen, I'm not opposed to all things Canadian, although I think we all hold a little bit of a grudge for them pawning off Celine Dion on us. And I guess I could let it slide that Canadians are permitted to submit videos for the show. But the show's title dictates that they should not be eligible for prize money..

For 22 years, Americans have been submitting videos of their buffoonery, of their mindless gaffes and folly, of their untimely clumsiness.  That show was built on above ground pools bursting and sleeping cats falling off of high ledges.  AFV became the only place where many wedding videos could be viewed without shame, with fainting brides, grooms reciting vows peppered with Freudian slips,  wedding cakes be destroyed by dancing drunk uncles, and grandfathers' two left feet accidentally removing grandmothers' dresses, much to the horror of the guests, with the exception of the aforementioned drunk uncles .

And lest we forget all the poor American men who were unsuspectingly plunked in the junk.  Hundreds of footballs, baseballs, volleyballs, bowling balls, etc propelled in to hundreds of groins.   Horses, llamas, and German shepherds attempting to establish a new order of dominance in the animal kingdom with well timed, knee buckling kicks and lunges at the underpants.  Tony Hawke proteges flipping off their skateboards and sticking their landing on a bike rack between their legs.  Helpless fathers forced to sing Happy Birthday in soprano due to errant swings at the pinata.

What do you have to say to these poor men, Mr. Thicke?  Have they not suffered?  Why must their pain only be hilarious and not also profitable?   I'm actually amazed the US population has not decreased significantly in the last 22 years given all the testicular trauma highlighted on that show.  Yet you turn a blind eye to these comedic martyrs.  The very least you could do is send them a protective cup with the AFV logo on it.  

But the fact remains that this is OUR show.  That is OUR prize money.  We, the American people have paid our dues, and often paid dearly.  George Washington must be rolling over in his grave.   He fought so we wouldn't have to pay a tax on tea.  If he let things like that slide back then, we'd still be speaking English today (you know what I mean!).  You think he'd sit idly by if his video of Martha falling awkwardly off of a trampoline lost money to some lady in Saskatchewan whose dog's howl maybe, kind of sounds like its saying "I love you"?  Hell no!  What's been happening on AFV would never happen on his watch. 

Well friends, its time for another revolution.  If you have anything even remotely funny captured on video, I urge you to send it to America's Funniest Videos.  Let's overwhelm them with good old fashion American moronity.  Let's inundate them with the nonsensical idiocy that proudly runs rampant through this great nation.  You have awakened a sleeping giant of an imbecile, Mr Thicke.  If anyone is going to make a fool of us Americans, it will be ourselves. We'll see who's laughing now.

Its time to stand up and fight for whats right. 

Unless you just took a tire iron to the family jewels.  You're allowed to sit for a while.
 

Happy Columbus Day....or Not.

Tomorrow, Monday October 8, 2012, is Columbus Day.  Personally, I haven't cared about Columbus Day since 1994, the last time I had the day off from school.  Now I only celebrate the holiday by walking out to the mailbox at least 5 times, cursing my lazy son of bitch mailman before I realize what day it is.  But Columbus, and the significance of the holiday came up recently in a conversation with a friend* after my family and I took a tour of replicas of the Nina and Santa Maria.

A little history refresher: in 1492 Columbus sailed the ocean blue.  Of course you probably already  knew at least that, unless you are 3, in which case these aren't the Sunday funnies you are probably looking for (sorry kid, not many pictures here to look at).  You should know the rest of the story- man travels across the sea looking for an easy route to the Orient, seeking spices, finds the Americas, brings disease, enslaves the indigenous people, which leads to more European nations to sail west and colonize, spread even more diseases, steal land,  bring over new people to enslave, battle over the right to own slaves, head further west to steal more land, add insult to the native people whose land was stolen by carving the faces of four white men into a mountain, etc etc etc until the landscape of this country was transformed from open fields of green, and thick forests to a land of pavement, speckled with Wal-Marts, Starbucks, and baseball stadiums sitting next to football stadiums.

Now my friend focused on all those things, which really are not things that should be celebrated.  But what's done is done, and its not like we can change things.  But the more I thought about it, a whole new set of questions were raised as to why we have a Columbus Day. 

Whats funny about this (not wiffleball bat to the junk funny, but funny still) is how a man who was technically wrong, and so strongly refused to admit it, gets so much credit.  I understand he was sailing uncharted waters, and didn't have  a wife to nag him to stop and ask directions to China, not that there was a gas station somewhere in the Atlantic that he could have done so anyway, but you'd think after awhile he'd fess up to not exactly doing what he said he would.  I mean, it worked out to be a pretty profitable mistake regardless.  I also wonder how bad food was back in the 1400 and 1500's that men would risk so much just  for some spices.  I mean, I like flavor too, but it was also widely believed the world was flat at that time.  I rather my turnips be a bit bland than sail off into oblivion.

Columbus Day was primarily celebrated on the centennial anniversaries until Colorado became the first state to make it an annual holiday in 1906,which makes perfect sense, given its proximity to the Bahamas (where Columbus actually landed), a mere 384 years prior to Colorado being granted statehood.  In 1937, it became a federal holiday.  However it is not recognized in all 50 states.  Hawaii celebrates Discoveries Day (honoring its Polynesian discoverers), and South Dakota  celebrates Native American's Day (surely that makes up for everything) on the same day as Columbus Day. And if you mention Columbus Day in Alaska they'll probably point to the land bridge in the Bering Sea and look at you like you're crazy.  And this is from people who live in houses made out of blocks of ice!

Then there is Wisconsin.  The good people of the cheese state marked October 9th as Leif Ericson Day in 1930, and 7 other states would follow suit.  After all, Ericson arrived in North America about 500 years before Columbus.  He never has received the recognition or fanfare Columbus has though, since his discovery did not lead to mass colonization.  In 1925, President Calvin Coolidge declared Ericson as the discovered of the America's ( and now you know 1 thing about Calvin Coolidge).  But still Ericson's feat has never been met with much fanfare, unless you consider the Minnesota Vikings as an homage to him.  The trouble with Wisconsin however is, they celebrate both Columbus and Leif Ericson Day.  And when it works out like it does this year, with Columbus Day coming first on the calendar, it sure does steal some of Ericson's thunder.  They should just pick a side and observe only one.  Its like rooting for both teams in the Super Bowl, you know.  Let's work on that one, okay Wisconsin?

So how will you spend you Columbus Day?  There are big celebrations in the Italian villages of cities like Cleveland, San Francisco, and Boston.  I'm certainly all for a group of people honoring one of their own and their ethnic heritage.  But otherwise Columbus Day is pretty lame.  And I feel bad for people whose birthdays fall on Columbus Day, and have to wait another day for their $10 check from grandma to arrive.  This really is just a way for the fat cats in Washington to get another day off.  

If you truly want to capture the spirit of Columbus Day, this is what you should do - set out to go somewhere that you have never been before without a map or asking for directions, sneeze on a resident of wherever you actually end up, eat some Chinese food (as Columbus had hoped to do), then return home and tell everyone what a smashing success your day was.  That's what Columbus Day is all about.

In all seriousness, having set foot on the 2 replicas of Columbus' ships, I can say what he did truly was an accomplishment.  The boats were incredibly small.  The Nina had 1 cabin below deck, for Columbus only.  His crew of 20 men slept on the crowded hard wood deck, constantly getting wet as water splashed on them.  The fact that this fleet made multiple voyages is quite amazing.

And you can take that to the bank! Just not tomorrow. Its Columbus Day. The bank will be closed.

               

 

*(special thanks to my amazing, young friend Cheryl Kibe, who is quite adept at getting me fired up enough to take a small rant and turn in to a blog post, as she did with Columbus. I only hope that after such banter, this blog will give her a new perspective on Columbus Day.  And if not, then hopefully she'll be inspired to fly her ass back over to which ever country in Europe Kibe's come from)

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Upcoming Randomalities:

-The Character of Lincoln
-The Grand and Awkward In Your Face Physiology of the Sneeze
-The 2012 My Randomalities-ies Awards