Its important whats on the inside. How many times has a reassuring parent used that line to pep up the spirit of a down trodden child? Unfortunately, it seems leaders of terrorist organizations are using the same quote as they plan new attacks despite increased security.
In 2009, an al-Qaeda bomber inserted 1 pound of explosives and a detonator in his rectum, bypassed security, and attempted to take the life of Saudi Prince Muhammed bin Nayef. The suicide bomber naturally died, the Prince was only slightly injured, and the entrance to his home required a good scrubbing. What I can't get over is the sheer volume of the explosives that were inserted into which particular body cavity. One pound of explosives?!! In his rectum?!! That's one more ounce than two Big Macs. I usually feel like I want to explode after one Big Mac, so I can only imagine how this guy felt.
Another report I read stated that one tactic terrorists could use is surgically implanting bombs in to the bodies of their foot soldiers. Talk about dedication to a cause. I guess one would literally have eat, drink, and bleed al-Qaeda to sign up for these missions.
Intelligence speculates bombs could be implanted in women's chests, which would be detonated by pushing down on the breast. Call me naive, but I had no idea the fundamentalists behind these organizations would allow women to have such prominent roles. And apparently the dorm masters at al-Qaeda U are not concerned that the females would be tempted to relieve some of the obvious stress, and engage in a tickle and/or pillow fight with the other girls. Another big difference between them and us pigs in America.
Its quite an interesting tactic they are developing. I can't see the impact being too damaging however, other than psychologically to those who witness it (and have to clean up the mess afterward). As evidenced by the attack on Prince Nayef, the human body provides a good amount of insulation. Its kind of like lighting a firecracker inside a water balloon.
Closer to home we seem to have someone who had a complete disregard for the words of encouragement that opened this blog. Oneal Morris reportedly performed illegal cosmetic surgery on at least one person, injecting cement, mineral oil, and Fix-a-Flat into the buttocks of a "patient". The use of Fix-a-Flat is a bit ironic, because if you seen photos of "her", (Morris is transgendered, but technically a male), it appears "she" stuffed a spare tire down "her" pants. I mean seriously, look this person up. "She" looks like the love child of Beyonce and the Michelin Man. "She" obviously must have used the line "it worked for me" whenever the use of Fix-A-Flat was questioned. I mean come on people, if cosmetic surgery was really that easy, don't you think there would be infomercials hosted by washed up celebrities (I'm thinking Pam Anderson or Tara Reid) on late at night promoting such do it yourself products?
It is such a sad state of affairs that people are using the advances in surgery to hurt or take advantage of others. If we can insert weapons of minor damage in a person, why not to do it for comedic effect rather than to hurt others? I for one would sign up to have a joy buzzer inserted in the palm of my hand. Given the results of the bombing of Prince Nayef, who emerged from the hospital with only 2 fingers bandaged, you could argue that, minus the stained carpet, it would be nearly as effective.
Sunday, December 4, 2011
Sunday, November 13, 2011
Saving the Post Office, One Tooth at a Time
Recently I was on my way walking into work when I saw a large group of people assembled across the street, obviously trumpeting there cause. Once I realized they were postal workers, and not the next great suicide cult or anything like that, I went over to investigate. As has been reported recently in the news, the United States Post Office has fallen on hard times, and there is a significant risk it could eventually close. Being a mailman has become sort of a dream job for me, and those who know me can tell you it would be a good fit. So I had to learn what I could to do help, even if my reasons were a bit selfish.
The workers had a petition to sign, and literature to read stating their case. I think a lot of people don't realize the post office is 100% funded by postage sales. Since its inception, not a single cent from tax payers or other government branches have gone to the post office. I gladly signed their petition to offer my support. However the only ones my signature has ever really helped is my debtors.
Some of the proposals by the government to fight the rising expenses of maintaining the post office is closing offices, laying off employees, and less days of delivery. I can not get behind jobs being taken away from people, at least not in this case. Less days of delivery I could deal with. I mean, have you ever really looked forward to getting mail since your 10th birthday? But still there must be a better solution. I've thought about this for a while, and while I am doing my part by not notifying the people who send on average 12 pieces of mail per week to my house addressed to either my father (who I have not lived with in 30 years), or the woman I bought my house from 5 years ago. By allowing this, the post office is making $5.64 each week from these address errors.
Now on a completely separate note, I have 4 kids. My oldest has lost 4 teeth so far. Each time the "Tooth Fairy comes", he has received a dollar. Some quick math- 20 teeth per child, at a dollar per tooth, totals $80 over the years. And that's assuming we can get away with just a dollar, considering inflation rates and talk at school of more generous tooth fairies. Please understand, I'm not opposed to spending money on my children, but I rather reward them for more significant achievements than a natural biological function.
How does this all tie together? I propose it become commonplace that "The Tooth Fairy" place stamps under childrens' pillows opposed to cash. With Forever stamps currently costing 43 cents, I would only spend $32.68 on the remaining teeth. That's a saving of $43.42 for me, and the Post Office is making a sale they ordinarily would not have. Now there are roughly 61 million children ages 0-14 in the US. Children lose teeth anywhere between ages of 4-12. So lets just make a conservative estimate that there 20 million within that age group. A book of 20 stamps costs $8.60. If a book of stamps was purchased for each of these 20 million children, the Post Office would sell an additional $172 million in stamps!
The only obstacle is convincing children stamps are an acceptable trade for a tooth. Luckily this is not a practice rich with tradition. The tooth fairy comes in all different forms and leaves different gifts world wide. And I would not suggest we change the process without first having a story to back up the tradition. Its not like I'm giving Santa Claus or Easter Bunny a makeover. Allow me spin you a tale of how the tooth fairy began leaving stamps.
Its November 1861, in Windsor Locks, CT. Harriet Willoughby lives with her 5 year old son, Timmy. James, Timmy's father, was called into duty, to help the North fight in the Civil War. One day there is a knock on the Willoughby's door. Harriet opens it, to find a man in uniform, who delivers the horrifying news that James has been killed in action. She shuts the door, clenches the telegram by her chest, and fights back the tears. Timmy enters the room in an excited state.
"Momma, look I lost my first tooth! I'm growing into such a big boy! Soon I will be a soldier like Daddy!", he proudly proclaims. He notices the paper in Harriet's hand, and asks if its a letter from James. Unable to tell Timmy the tragic news, she lies, and pretends she's reading a letter from James, assuring Timmy that he is doing well and that he loves him and his mother very much.
That night Timmy falls asleep with the tooth under his pillow, eager for the Tooth Fairy to come. Knowing winter is well on its way, and unsure how she will provide for Timmy by herself, Harriet realizes she can not afford to leave any money under Timmy's pillow. She feels terrible that the Tooth Fairy can not visit her son. She feels worse that she didn't have the courage to tell him the truth about the boy's father. Yet she still can not say the words out loud, even when alone. She decides lying about James' death is better than hurting Timmy. That night she slips a stamp under Timmy's pillow with a note from the Tooth Fairy that reads "Timmy, you are indeed well on your way to growing up into a big, strong soldier like your father. He would love to hear from you. He has so much to be proud of."
Timmy is surprised to find the stamp rather than a coin. But after a talk with his mother he gladly pens a letter to his fallen father. As time goes on and Timmy continues to lose teeth, the lie is perpetuated. Timmy continues to scribe more and more letters. The other mothers in Windsor Locks sympathetically understand Harriet's dilemma, and as they inevitably receive the same news about their husbands, they too hide the truth, and adopt the policy of leaving stamps under their children's pillows.
Harriet's guilt would never go away. It took 9 teeth to come out before she finally built up the courage to not only tell Timmy the truth about James. Timmy understood his mother did what she thought was right to protect him. Timmy's dream of following in father's footsteps never waned. After his 18th birthday, he would enroll at West Point. He was sure to pack the remaining stamps he had received when he was younger. He saved these stamps for special letters to Harriet. One was describing his first week at West Point. Another was to send her an invitation to his graduation. Another was to announce the birth of his first son, James.
And from this small heart broken family a tradition was born. The Tooth Fairy would put stamps under each child's pillow in exchange for their lost teeth, with the expectation that these stamps would only be used for special letters for the most important people of our lives. If you were to receive a letter with that special stamp, you instantly knew its value before you even opened it. Thank you notes to grandparents, invitations to friends, letters of appreciation to members of our Armed Forces would all be acceptable uses for the Forever tooth stamps. And really, wouldn't it be nice if children took the time to sit and write a letter to a loved one on a regular basis?
Now all that's left is to make a claymation special, with figures similar to that of the Rudolph series to instill an old time feel to it, and have someone like Dick Van Dyke provide the voice of the narrator. Its a bit of a sad story, but there are writers in Hollywood who can sugarcoat it. I just laid the groundwork. And once word gets out, the Post Office can design a special Forever stamp with a tooth, tooth fairy, or something like that on it, that only "only comes from the Tooth Fairy" (wink, wink).
So there you have it. An extra $172 million to the Post Office, from me, free of charge. One final note, if this blog does reach any high ranking officials at the United States Postal Service, and they want to fore go the exam and hand me a mail carrier job as a sign of grattitude, I wear size 10.5 shoes, and would prefer a route close to home. Thanks.
The workers had a petition to sign, and literature to read stating their case. I think a lot of people don't realize the post office is 100% funded by postage sales. Since its inception, not a single cent from tax payers or other government branches have gone to the post office. I gladly signed their petition to offer my support. However the only ones my signature has ever really helped is my debtors.
Some of the proposals by the government to fight the rising expenses of maintaining the post office is closing offices, laying off employees, and less days of delivery. I can not get behind jobs being taken away from people, at least not in this case. Less days of delivery I could deal with. I mean, have you ever really looked forward to getting mail since your 10th birthday? But still there must be a better solution. I've thought about this for a while, and while I am doing my part by not notifying the people who send on average 12 pieces of mail per week to my house addressed to either my father (who I have not lived with in 30 years), or the woman I bought my house from 5 years ago. By allowing this, the post office is making $5.64 each week from these address errors.
Now on a completely separate note, I have 4 kids. My oldest has lost 4 teeth so far. Each time the "Tooth Fairy comes", he has received a dollar. Some quick math- 20 teeth per child, at a dollar per tooth, totals $80 over the years. And that's assuming we can get away with just a dollar, considering inflation rates and talk at school of more generous tooth fairies. Please understand, I'm not opposed to spending money on my children, but I rather reward them for more significant achievements than a natural biological function.
How does this all tie together? I propose it become commonplace that "The Tooth Fairy" place stamps under childrens' pillows opposed to cash. With Forever stamps currently costing 43 cents, I would only spend $32.68 on the remaining teeth. That's a saving of $43.42 for me, and the Post Office is making a sale they ordinarily would not have. Now there are roughly 61 million children ages 0-14 in the US. Children lose teeth anywhere between ages of 4-12. So lets just make a conservative estimate that there 20 million within that age group. A book of 20 stamps costs $8.60. If a book of stamps was purchased for each of these 20 million children, the Post Office would sell an additional $172 million in stamps!
The only obstacle is convincing children stamps are an acceptable trade for a tooth. Luckily this is not a practice rich with tradition. The tooth fairy comes in all different forms and leaves different gifts world wide. And I would not suggest we change the process without first having a story to back up the tradition. Its not like I'm giving Santa Claus or Easter Bunny a makeover. Allow me spin you a tale of how the tooth fairy began leaving stamps.
Its November 1861, in Windsor Locks, CT. Harriet Willoughby lives with her 5 year old son, Timmy. James, Timmy's father, was called into duty, to help the North fight in the Civil War. One day there is a knock on the Willoughby's door. Harriet opens it, to find a man in uniform, who delivers the horrifying news that James has been killed in action. She shuts the door, clenches the telegram by her chest, and fights back the tears. Timmy enters the room in an excited state.
"Momma, look I lost my first tooth! I'm growing into such a big boy! Soon I will be a soldier like Daddy!", he proudly proclaims. He notices the paper in Harriet's hand, and asks if its a letter from James. Unable to tell Timmy the tragic news, she lies, and pretends she's reading a letter from James, assuring Timmy that he is doing well and that he loves him and his mother very much.
That night Timmy falls asleep with the tooth under his pillow, eager for the Tooth Fairy to come. Knowing winter is well on its way, and unsure how she will provide for Timmy by herself, Harriet realizes she can not afford to leave any money under Timmy's pillow. She feels terrible that the Tooth Fairy can not visit her son. She feels worse that she didn't have the courage to tell him the truth about the boy's father. Yet she still can not say the words out loud, even when alone. She decides lying about James' death is better than hurting Timmy. That night she slips a stamp under Timmy's pillow with a note from the Tooth Fairy that reads "Timmy, you are indeed well on your way to growing up into a big, strong soldier like your father. He would love to hear from you. He has so much to be proud of."
Timmy is surprised to find the stamp rather than a coin. But after a talk with his mother he gladly pens a letter to his fallen father. As time goes on and Timmy continues to lose teeth, the lie is perpetuated. Timmy continues to scribe more and more letters. The other mothers in Windsor Locks sympathetically understand Harriet's dilemma, and as they inevitably receive the same news about their husbands, they too hide the truth, and adopt the policy of leaving stamps under their children's pillows.
Harriet's guilt would never go away. It took 9 teeth to come out before she finally built up the courage to not only tell Timmy the truth about James. Timmy understood his mother did what she thought was right to protect him. Timmy's dream of following in father's footsteps never waned. After his 18th birthday, he would enroll at West Point. He was sure to pack the remaining stamps he had received when he was younger. He saved these stamps for special letters to Harriet. One was describing his first week at West Point. Another was to send her an invitation to his graduation. Another was to announce the birth of his first son, James.
And from this small heart broken family a tradition was born. The Tooth Fairy would put stamps under each child's pillow in exchange for their lost teeth, with the expectation that these stamps would only be used for special letters for the most important people of our lives. If you were to receive a letter with that special stamp, you instantly knew its value before you even opened it. Thank you notes to grandparents, invitations to friends, letters of appreciation to members of our Armed Forces would all be acceptable uses for the Forever tooth stamps. And really, wouldn't it be nice if children took the time to sit and write a letter to a loved one on a regular basis?
Now all that's left is to make a claymation special, with figures similar to that of the Rudolph series to instill an old time feel to it, and have someone like Dick Van Dyke provide the voice of the narrator. Its a bit of a sad story, but there are writers in Hollywood who can sugarcoat it. I just laid the groundwork. And once word gets out, the Post Office can design a special Forever stamp with a tooth, tooth fairy, or something like that on it, that only "only comes from the Tooth Fairy" (wink, wink).
So there you have it. An extra $172 million to the Post Office, from me, free of charge. One final note, if this blog does reach any high ranking officials at the United States Postal Service, and they want to fore go the exam and hand me a mail carrier job as a sign of grattitude, I wear size 10.5 shoes, and would prefer a route close to home. Thanks.
Thursday, July 14, 2011
What's the Difference in Hasselhoffs?
I recently saw a commercial for a new reality series entitled “Same Name”. The premise of the show is regular everyday people with the same name as “celebrities” (quotes are used because the people on these show often barely qualify as a celebrity. You haven’t seen Tom Hanks do one of these shows have you?), swap lives. The premiere episode has common man David Hasselhoff trading places with slightly less common man/actor David Hasselhoff. The real intrigue here for me is not to see how the former Knight Rider fares in regular Hasselhoff’s world. I’m really interested in seeing what they have regular Hasselhoff do. Its been years since actor Hasselhoff has done anything relevant. Having regular Hasselhoff run around in red shorts on the beach flaunting his chest hair would seem a little late. Will they send him across the pond and have him croon to admiring Germans? Or…umm...I got nothing. Seriously what is that guy doing these days? Guess we’ll have to watch and find out.
I’m also interested in learning if there has been an increase in name changes since the announcement of this show. How many people are suddenly named Angelina Jolie or Hugh Hefner? Much to my beautiful and sometimes loving wife’s chagrin, I will not be legally changing my name to Mark Wahlberg in an attempt to get on the show, although getting the opportunity to reunite the Funky Bunch and recording “Good Vibrations 2” is enticing. “Vibrations good like Sunkist, make you want to know who done this” - who am I kidding? I can’t rap like that. But I have been thinking who’s name I would like to share so I could spend a day in their shoes.
Many may say Barack Obama. Who wouldn’t jump at the chance to take his seat in the Oval Office and make the changes they deem suitable? But I’ve never been much a political guy, and I wouldn’t want to spend my time in the White House doing paperwork. Plus I do not want to be responsible for upsetting a whole new group of people. Probably the only change I would make is that if you ever say “This one time”, and the person you are speaking to immediately interrupts you by saying “At band camp?”, you are legally permitted to, no, obligated, to kick them in the shins. I think we can all agree that is rather reasonable.
I could change my name to Joe Buck, and get to sit in the broadcasters’ booth for the World Series, but that would mean I also have to sit next to Tim McCarver, and if you’ve been following along, you’d know I would not enjoy that. A younger and delusional me would have chosen any of my favorite professional athletes’ names, but I am now old enough to recognize what a fool I would look like trying to fill their shoes on the field. Same goes for rock stars. I've known I didn’t have the voice, but I can’t even party anywhere close to a rock star pace these days. Drew Carey would be a solid option for me. I’ve always been a big of The Price is Right. But then again, my dream has always been appear on the show as a contestant, not the host.
So I think I’d settle for changing my name to Andy Richter. I would have the best seat in the house for Conan, and maybe get to contribute a little to the show. That’s all I would need. Sharing the same first name would make an easier transition for those at home too ( “Andy take out the trash.”, “Andy, your dog needs to go out.”). Plus I’d be more confident my wife would keep her hands to herself.
Then again there is the option of my wife legally changing her name to Alyssa Milano.
I’m also interested in learning if there has been an increase in name changes since the announcement of this show. How many people are suddenly named Angelina Jolie or Hugh Hefner? Much to my beautiful and sometimes loving wife’s chagrin, I will not be legally changing my name to Mark Wahlberg in an attempt to get on the show, although getting the opportunity to reunite the Funky Bunch and recording “Good Vibrations 2” is enticing. “Vibrations good like Sunkist, make you want to know who done this” - who am I kidding? I can’t rap like that. But I have been thinking who’s name I would like to share so I could spend a day in their shoes.
Many may say Barack Obama. Who wouldn’t jump at the chance to take his seat in the Oval Office and make the changes they deem suitable? But I’ve never been much a political guy, and I wouldn’t want to spend my time in the White House doing paperwork. Plus I do not want to be responsible for upsetting a whole new group of people. Probably the only change I would make is that if you ever say “This one time”, and the person you are speaking to immediately interrupts you by saying “At band camp?”, you are legally permitted to, no, obligated, to kick them in the shins. I think we can all agree that is rather reasonable.
I could change my name to Joe Buck, and get to sit in the broadcasters’ booth for the World Series, but that would mean I also have to sit next to Tim McCarver, and if you’ve been following along, you’d know I would not enjoy that. A younger and delusional me would have chosen any of my favorite professional athletes’ names, but I am now old enough to recognize what a fool I would look like trying to fill their shoes on the field. Same goes for rock stars. I've known I didn’t have the voice, but I can’t even party anywhere close to a rock star pace these days. Drew Carey would be a solid option for me. I’ve always been a big of The Price is Right. But then again, my dream has always been appear on the show as a contestant, not the host.
So I think I’d settle for changing my name to Andy Richter. I would have the best seat in the house for Conan, and maybe get to contribute a little to the show. That’s all I would need. Sharing the same first name would make an easier transition for those at home too ( “Andy take out the trash.”, “Andy, your dog needs to go out.”). Plus I’d be more confident my wife would keep her hands to herself.
Then again there is the option of my wife legally changing her name to Alyssa Milano.
Saturday, July 9, 2011
Literally Running Through My Mind
This 4th of July, I ran my 2nd 5K race. I should mention that despite always being active, I am a novice runner at best, and I recognize the value of my accomplishment as minimal is the world of long distance racing. Its not like the Brentwood Firecracker is a qualifying race for the Boston Marathon. So if you are expecting training tips, or anything of that sort from this blog, I'm sorry to disappoint you.
The main reason I've run these races is to say that I've done something like this at least once in my lifetime. And I also think its good to be conditioned for a long distance run because if I ever encounter a bear, I want to think that given a big enough head start, I could run fast and far enough that it would eventually give up on me and settle for snacking on some berries. Perhaps one day I'll work my way up to a marathon, and the story will be better. But I am far from competitive and my expectations are realistic.
I talked to my friend who has run the Boston Marathon after my first race and we discussed the entire event. He said what I saw was quite the norm for the 5K circuit. If you have never done this type of race, allow me to describe what it is like.
First, these races are for charity, so there is an entry fee. But you do get a "free" t-shirt for it. You have to register, sign in, get your number, and timing device. After that, you just need to wait for the race to start, and if you're me, consistently remind yourself of your pre-race goals (mine are always modest - don't finish last, and don't walk were my 1st race goals. This year I added beating my previous time, but by no significant amount. And of course if a bear should escape from the zoo, don't be the one who gets eaten).
A 5K brings out all types of people. Children from ages 8 and up to senior citizens in there 70's. You'll get groups of young guys wearing makeshift, sometimes comical uniforms, announcing themselves as a team. I saw 4 guys wearing viking hats. I didn't find out if they were Team Awesome's rivals or not before the race. I only saw Team Awesome members #9 and #25 prior to the race, and not during. Did they crack under the pressure caused by their namesake? Did they feel they were too awesome to run, and instead saved their uniforms -white t-shirts with Team Awesome and their number written on the back with a sharpie- for an appearance int he post race parade? M money says they just ended up hanging around the beer truck (free beer for the racers at the Brentwood Firecracker if you're looking for a race or cheap place to get drunk in the morning next 4th of July). You can predict where people will finish just based on their dress really. The cleaner the shoes, and higher and tighter their shorts, the more serious they are about running. You'll see a bunch of people warming up and running the route, individually or in groups. The farther down the route they go to warm up, the farther ahead they will finish ahead of you. I try to look the part and run a little bit. I really need to bring a watch though, as I do it too early. I warm up then go the start line and stand there 10 minutes and cool down, thinking what a dummy I am.
However this down time provides me an opportunity to size up the "competition" and establish some new race goals. I look around and decide which people I have to beat. Its not a blow to my self esteem to lose to children. I know when I was 10 I probably could have beaten any other 8-12 year old in that race. They have gym class, recess, weekends, and summer vacations to run and play sports non-stop. I played just as hard as they do. And I wouldn't get too bent out of shape losing to a 70 year old either. If they can do a 5K at 70, they must have been running their whole lives. Here's my basic run down of the type of people I pick out that I feel I should beat - any girls in their early 20's wearing makeup and pretty hair, any men with considerable beer guts, and people with 2 or more braces of any kind. As the race progresses and the pack thins out, I set my sight on others as motivation.
Other thoughts from the race:
-Playing the theme from Rocky at the start line was very inspirational. I wish I had heard more than 6 seconds of it.
- Seems to be bottle necking here at the beginning, and this old man in front of me has lively elbows. Screw what I said about losing to old people. He is in-race goal #1. I have to get in front of him.
-Hey there's my wife and kids. God my wife is great to sit on the sidewalk with our four kids on this hot day as I do this. S*** I better finish quick.
-Will those paper thin short running shorts ever go out of style? Seriously?!!
-OK, in-race goal #2 is right ahead of me. She's a fit young women in her 20's, and if this race were on a beach, she would be kicking sand all up in my face with her high kick and twist of her feet. How rude.
-People ahead with cups. Must be the beer I heard they give out during the race. I'm in. No wait, they gave a cup to that kid. It can't be beer. Pass.
-In-race goal #3. I just passed that girl in the blue shirt. How did she get ahead of me again? Am I her in-race goal? Oh its on.
-More drinks ahead. Water. Crap. I take one anyway. Good thing it was just water because apparently i can't drink and run at the same time, and I splash a couple ounces straight up my nose.
-I made the turn at the half way point and beginning to cramp. Regardless, its time to get ahead of that girl in blue.
-This headband is really absorbent. If the manufacturers every offer me an endorsement deal, I'd gladly accept. Its like wrapping my head with Bounty paper towels.
-I understand its the 4th of July and people live on this street, but the smell of hamburgers on their grills is really distracting. But its probably more distracting to the girl in blue than me. She's done.
- That girl is running with a real short stride and high leg kick, like she popped a Denise Austin aerobics tape in the VCR (sweet green headband though). How am I behind her? Congratulations, you have just become in-race goal #4. Check out the back of my headband high kicker.
- There's those viking guys. They are on the other side of the road, running towards the halfway loop around point. They all have beer cans in their hands! Dammit!!
-Why am I doing this? I could be home eating a ham, egg, and cheese now, and not sweating. And really when will I ever see a bear face to face? I live no where near the zoo.
- Finish line is in sight. Fake a smile for the camera, and use everything else I got. Zig. Zag. Bob. Weave. You can get by most of these people. Look at that guy's gut! Where has he been the whole time? Finish strong! (I did beat the big guy. I'm pretty sure he stopped for a hot dog 50 feet short of the finish line).
And after the race:
-Don't collapse on the grass. Just don't do it.
-That guy puking over there is the reason you don't collapse on the grass afterward.
Hey look at that, I guess I do have a racing tip to offer after all.
The main reason I've run these races is to say that I've done something like this at least once in my lifetime. And I also think its good to be conditioned for a long distance run because if I ever encounter a bear, I want to think that given a big enough head start, I could run fast and far enough that it would eventually give up on me and settle for snacking on some berries. Perhaps one day I'll work my way up to a marathon, and the story will be better. But I am far from competitive and my expectations are realistic.
I talked to my friend who has run the Boston Marathon after my first race and we discussed the entire event. He said what I saw was quite the norm for the 5K circuit. If you have never done this type of race, allow me to describe what it is like.
First, these races are for charity, so there is an entry fee. But you do get a "free" t-shirt for it. You have to register, sign in, get your number, and timing device. After that, you just need to wait for the race to start, and if you're me, consistently remind yourself of your pre-race goals (mine are always modest - don't finish last, and don't walk were my 1st race goals. This year I added beating my previous time, but by no significant amount. And of course if a bear should escape from the zoo, don't be the one who gets eaten).
A 5K brings out all types of people. Children from ages 8 and up to senior citizens in there 70's. You'll get groups of young guys wearing makeshift, sometimes comical uniforms, announcing themselves as a team. I saw 4 guys wearing viking hats. I didn't find out if they were Team Awesome's rivals or not before the race. I only saw Team Awesome members #9 and #25 prior to the race, and not during. Did they crack under the pressure caused by their namesake? Did they feel they were too awesome to run, and instead saved their uniforms -white t-shirts with Team Awesome and their number written on the back with a sharpie- for an appearance int he post race parade? M money says they just ended up hanging around the beer truck (free beer for the racers at the Brentwood Firecracker if you're looking for a race or cheap place to get drunk in the morning next 4th of July). You can predict where people will finish just based on their dress really. The cleaner the shoes, and higher and tighter their shorts, the more serious they are about running. You'll see a bunch of people warming up and running the route, individually or in groups. The farther down the route they go to warm up, the farther ahead they will finish ahead of you. I try to look the part and run a little bit. I really need to bring a watch though, as I do it too early. I warm up then go the start line and stand there 10 minutes and cool down, thinking what a dummy I am.
However this down time provides me an opportunity to size up the "competition" and establish some new race goals. I look around and decide which people I have to beat. Its not a blow to my self esteem to lose to children. I know when I was 10 I probably could have beaten any other 8-12 year old in that race. They have gym class, recess, weekends, and summer vacations to run and play sports non-stop. I played just as hard as they do. And I wouldn't get too bent out of shape losing to a 70 year old either. If they can do a 5K at 70, they must have been running their whole lives. Here's my basic run down of the type of people I pick out that I feel I should beat - any girls in their early 20's wearing makeup and pretty hair, any men with considerable beer guts, and people with 2 or more braces of any kind. As the race progresses and the pack thins out, I set my sight on others as motivation.
Other thoughts from the race:
-Playing the theme from Rocky at the start line was very inspirational. I wish I had heard more than 6 seconds of it.
- Seems to be bottle necking here at the beginning, and this old man in front of me has lively elbows. Screw what I said about losing to old people. He is in-race goal #1. I have to get in front of him.
-Hey there's my wife and kids. God my wife is great to sit on the sidewalk with our four kids on this hot day as I do this. S*** I better finish quick.
-Will those paper thin short running shorts ever go out of style? Seriously?!!
-OK, in-race goal #2 is right ahead of me. She's a fit young women in her 20's, and if this race were on a beach, she would be kicking sand all up in my face with her high kick and twist of her feet. How rude.
-People ahead with cups. Must be the beer I heard they give out during the race. I'm in. No wait, they gave a cup to that kid. It can't be beer. Pass.
-In-race goal #3. I just passed that girl in the blue shirt. How did she get ahead of me again? Am I her in-race goal? Oh its on.
-More drinks ahead. Water. Crap. I take one anyway. Good thing it was just water because apparently i can't drink and run at the same time, and I splash a couple ounces straight up my nose.
-I made the turn at the half way point and beginning to cramp. Regardless, its time to get ahead of that girl in blue.
-This headband is really absorbent. If the manufacturers every offer me an endorsement deal, I'd gladly accept. Its like wrapping my head with Bounty paper towels.
-I understand its the 4th of July and people live on this street, but the smell of hamburgers on their grills is really distracting. But its probably more distracting to the girl in blue than me. She's done.
- That girl is running with a real short stride and high leg kick, like she popped a Denise Austin aerobics tape in the VCR (sweet green headband though). How am I behind her? Congratulations, you have just become in-race goal #4. Check out the back of my headband high kicker.
- There's those viking guys. They are on the other side of the road, running towards the halfway loop around point. They all have beer cans in their hands! Dammit!!
-Why am I doing this? I could be home eating a ham, egg, and cheese now, and not sweating. And really when will I ever see a bear face to face? I live no where near the zoo.
- Finish line is in sight. Fake a smile for the camera, and use everything else I got. Zig. Zag. Bob. Weave. You can get by most of these people. Look at that guy's gut! Where has he been the whole time? Finish strong! (I did beat the big guy. I'm pretty sure he stopped for a hot dog 50 feet short of the finish line).
And after the race:
-Don't collapse on the grass. Just don't do it.
-That guy puking over there is the reason you don't collapse on the grass afterward.
Hey look at that, I guess I do have a racing tip to offer after all.
Saturday's Little Known Facts #7
Only 1 is true.
-The name "Wendy" was made up for the book "Peter Pan".
-Many of the creature names in the Star Wars series, such as wookie, jawa, & ewok are words from the language of sanskrit.
-The name "Wendy" was made up for the book "Peter Pan".
-Many of the creature names in the Star Wars series, such as wookie, jawa, & ewok are words from the language of sanskrit.
Sunday, July 3, 2011
You Can't Make This Stuff Up - Today
Now that I’m a father of four, I’ve had a chance to re-read/watch many of the popular children’s stories, and nursery rhymes. As a child, I accepted them for what they were. But now as an adult, I have a different perspective on most of these.
For example, I just don’t understand how Jack can be nimble enough and quick enough to jump over a candlestick, as well as climb up a beanstalk, escape from a giant, and climb back down the beanstalk with a gold harp under his arm, but can not walk down a hill with a pail of water without falling and breaking his crown. I also don’t understand how Jack is portrayed as a hero in “Jack and the Beanstalk”. Besides making lousy business decisions, he broke several laws, including trespassing, theft, and oh yeah, MURDER. And the giant falling to his death is the happy ending? He was the victim! Not exactly the type of lessons I want to teach my children.
Other stories I now take issue with:
The Tortoise and the Hare- The moral of the story is slow and steady wins the race. Well, not the nuclear arms race.
Humpty Dumpty- The Kings men sure were on the scene pretty quick to clean up that mess. I wonder what dirt Humpty Dumpty had on the King before his “fall”.
And despite Hollywood’s best efforts, you just can’t recreate some of these stories. Why the invention of the cell phone alone would ruin a bunch of stories. The Three Little Pigs wouldn’t be much of a story if they could just call each other up and agree to meet at the 3rd pig’s brick house. Hansel and Gretel could have used a GPS app on their phones to find their way home. Or maybe they'd use their phones to call child services and report their mother. Cell phones, internet, and all the other modern advancements would dramatically change other stories.
The Pied Piper- The Mayor of Frenchville employs this colorfully dressed weirdo to eradicate the town of all the rats. When the Mayor refuses to pay the Pied Piper, he plays his flute, and all the children of the town follow him deep into the forest. Had the Mayor gone to beenverified.com, maybe he would have thought twice about hiring this odd fellow. If the townsfolk had gone to As Seen On TV website, they could have just invested in the Riddex Plus pest removal device, and none of that would have happened..
Snow White & The Seven Dwarfs- How many of the dwarfs would have changed their Facebook relationship statuses immediately after Snow White moved in, claiming her as their girlfriend? I don’t think “It’s Complicated” would come close to describe it for Snow White. And I wouldn’t put capitalizing on a hidden cam website past the dwarfs either. I don’t think Dopey was as dopey as he’s made out to be.
Little Red Riding Hood- I’d hope in today’s world, Red’s parents would have taken her to Lenscrafters and gotten the poor girl some damn glasses, or lasik surgery or something. How could she not tell that was a wolf in the bed? Was her grandmother really that ugly?
The Princess & the Pea- A Queen determines a young lady is fit to marry her son if she can feel a pea beneath 20 mattresses. Today she could simply change the sleep number mattress setting. She'd get a good night's sleep, and be tossed to the curb the following morning.
Cinderella- If Cinderella happened today, it would be transformed into a reality show. Each show would end with the long, drawn out, suspenseful ending as Prince Charming attempts to fit the glass slipper on a lovely maiden’s foot. You see the Prince’s face. You see her face. You see the glass slipper. You see her foot. The music intensifies. You see his eyes… her eyes… (the tempo of the music increases)...the slipper…the foot…then break to commercial.
For example, I just don’t understand how Jack can be nimble enough and quick enough to jump over a candlestick, as well as climb up a beanstalk, escape from a giant, and climb back down the beanstalk with a gold harp under his arm, but can not walk down a hill with a pail of water without falling and breaking his crown. I also don’t understand how Jack is portrayed as a hero in “Jack and the Beanstalk”. Besides making lousy business decisions, he broke several laws, including trespassing, theft, and oh yeah, MURDER. And the giant falling to his death is the happy ending? He was the victim! Not exactly the type of lessons I want to teach my children.
Other stories I now take issue with:
The Tortoise and the Hare- The moral of the story is slow and steady wins the race. Well, not the nuclear arms race.
Humpty Dumpty- The Kings men sure were on the scene pretty quick to clean up that mess. I wonder what dirt Humpty Dumpty had on the King before his “fall”.
And despite Hollywood’s best efforts, you just can’t recreate some of these stories. Why the invention of the cell phone alone would ruin a bunch of stories. The Three Little Pigs wouldn’t be much of a story if they could just call each other up and agree to meet at the 3rd pig’s brick house. Hansel and Gretel could have used a GPS app on their phones to find their way home. Or maybe they'd use their phones to call child services and report their mother. Cell phones, internet, and all the other modern advancements would dramatically change other stories.
The Pied Piper- The Mayor of Frenchville employs this colorfully dressed weirdo to eradicate the town of all the rats. When the Mayor refuses to pay the Pied Piper, he plays his flute, and all the children of the town follow him deep into the forest. Had the Mayor gone to beenverified.com, maybe he would have thought twice about hiring this odd fellow. If the townsfolk had gone to As Seen On TV website, they could have just invested in the Riddex Plus pest removal device, and none of that would have happened..
Snow White & The Seven Dwarfs- How many of the dwarfs would have changed their Facebook relationship statuses immediately after Snow White moved in, claiming her as their girlfriend? I don’t think “It’s Complicated” would come close to describe it for Snow White. And I wouldn’t put capitalizing on a hidden cam website past the dwarfs either. I don’t think Dopey was as dopey as he’s made out to be.
Little Red Riding Hood- I’d hope in today’s world, Red’s parents would have taken her to Lenscrafters and gotten the poor girl some damn glasses, or lasik surgery or something. How could she not tell that was a wolf in the bed? Was her grandmother really that ugly?
The Princess & the Pea- A Queen determines a young lady is fit to marry her son if she can feel a pea beneath 20 mattresses. Today she could simply change the sleep number mattress setting. She'd get a good night's sleep, and be tossed to the curb the following morning.
Cinderella- If Cinderella happened today, it would be transformed into a reality show. Each show would end with the long, drawn out, suspenseful ending as Prince Charming attempts to fit the glass slipper on a lovely maiden’s foot. You see the Prince’s face. You see her face. You see the glass slipper. You see her foot. The music intensifies. You see his eyes… her eyes… (the tempo of the music increases)...the slipper…the foot…then break to commercial.
Saturday, July 2, 2011
Saturday's Little Known Facts #6
Only 1 is true.
-Prior to their careers as entertainers, the Ringling Brothers owned and operated a successful and highly regarded daycare in Trenton, NJ. It was while observing the unique talents of the children during playtime that inspired them to begin their traveling circus.
- In ancient Egypt, beer was valuable it was used as currency. In fact the workers who built the pyramids were paid 1 gallon of beer a day.
-Prior to their careers as entertainers, the Ringling Brothers owned and operated a successful and highly regarded daycare in Trenton, NJ. It was while observing the unique talents of the children during playtime that inspired them to begin their traveling circus.
- In ancient Egypt, beer was valuable it was used as currency. In fact the workers who built the pyramids were paid 1 gallon of beer a day.
Sunday, June 26, 2011
Wow, even I can't believe I'm writing about tables....
I wouldn't exactly say the well has dried up, but I've had a tough time thinking of what exactly to blog about lately. Its not that I don't have ideas, its just with 4 kids, 2 dogs, a full time job, and trying to train for a 5K, I haven't given myself much time to expand upon those ideas. I asked my wife for a suggestion on a topic, and she recommended I write about baking soda. Given that my deadline to post a blog is Sunday night (I began my rough draft of this late Thursday night), I feel I would sell myself short and do my readers a disservice by hastily throwing something together about baking soda. That is a subject matter that requires hours of research, analytical processing, and thoughtful writing. So I ask for your patience. Trust me, you will get your baking soda blog.
So which idea should I try to make work in such a short amount of time? I was thinking last week about a gift exchange I was in at Christmas time. It was the White Elephant game, and the only requirement is your gift had to have the "AS SEEN ON TV " label. It was pretty fun, although nobody got stuck with a snuggie. But seeing some of the stuff that was exchanged, it really made me question the whole "Necessity is the father of invention" idea. Sure some of the items are practical, but doesn't the definition of necessity get skewed when there are things like the "ePad Electrolysis" device (I encourage you to look that up. The pic of the girl zapping her mustache is delightful) or the 'As Seen on TV Hat" (again, check out the video for that one. It made me laugh)? I wonder what Benjamin Franklin, inventor of the odometer, bifocals, and Daylight Savings Time would think if he saw some of the items on the As Seen On TV website. What would he think of the Supreme Moo Mixer ("Just add milk, chocolate, and imagination". Seriously?!), or the Perfect Meatloaf Maker? Maybe the Franklin household would have benefited from the Perfect Meatloaf Maker. I’ve heard Deborah Franklin's meatloaf was always dry. And just going by the pictures I've seen of her, she could of used an AH-BRA too. But I digress....
Its easy to take many great inventions for granted when we are bombarded with commercials for the aforementioned crap. Things like cell phones, microwaves, and elevators are great inventions, but they were not neccessary. But their impact on the world can not be discounted. I've been thinking about what are some of the most unappreciated inventions of all time. Of course I can pick anything and spin it as the most important invention ever. And then you could say anything else and prove it to be more important. So perhaps this will be a recurring topic. But for now, the two most important inventions ever, will be revealed in this blog. The first invention was critical to the evolution of man, the second to the evolution of the economy.
THE MOST IMPORTANT INVENTION OF ALL TIME #1- The Table.
"Are you kidding?", you ask, "A f@#$ing table is a better invention than (insert any of your favorite things)?". "Preposterous!", you may exclaim. "Pure and utter bull@#$", you may scream. "I don't need a table to eat a Whopper when I'm driving, and even you said you have a laptop, so no table needed there either", you could correctly point out. But before you get too fired up and begin taking out your anger on any nearby table, allow me to explain. Sure you could argue that without tables life would be a picnic. I would say you are correct, especially for chiropractors. But man found a need for tables, and with tables came progress.
Millions of years ago, cavemen would go out on their hunts and drag home the slain mammoths. In the cave, they would gather around the carcasses, sit on he ground, lean forward and eat their meals. This was detrimental in two ways. Eating off the ground left the food more vulnerable to bacteria, causing illness and decreasing the caveman population, as well as putting unnecessary strain on the cavemen’s' lower backs, as if carrying a dead mammoth back to the cave wasn't strain enough. Whether by accident or by design, someone invented a table (despite my best efforts, I could not find a credited inventor of the table). Since nobody has been credited with inventing the table, I'll just hypothetically say it was a caveman named Slog.
So one day Slog brings home a mammoth. Before the clan eats, Slog must break up some wood, bend down and start a fire. For many minutes, Slog diligently rubs two sticks together until finally he gets a spark. He begins to gather more wood from the pile. He adds more and more, until the cave is adequately heated and lit for the clan that night. Tired, hungry, and in a great deal of pain, he rests the piece of wood he was holding across two large rocks. Ara, Slog's loyal cavewomen, brings him a slab of meat and drops it on the ground before him. Slog sits and leans over to grab his food, but a sharp pain shoots up his back. He moans, drops his meat, and looks at it frustrated. When he sits upright, he feels fine. Leans forward, aches. He looks around the cave. All the other cave people are hunched over, and grunting in discomfort. He continues to scan the cave. And there he sees that wood, suspended over ground by the two rocks. He picks up his meat, and rests it on the wood. He straightens his back, and feels incredible relief. He begins to eat every meal at the wood and rocks. Ostracized at first (I'm just assuming cavemen weren’t very progressive thinkers and disliked change), they soon noticed Slog was a different caveman. He stood more upright, and appeared more confident, both on the hunts, and in the cave bedroom - good for you Ara ;). Others would follow Slog to this table to eat their dinners. Over time, their backs grew stronger, and their population's general health improved as their food wasn't contaminated by as much bacteria from the ground. The weaker but smarter cavemen, who always had to wait to get the last scraps of food, lived longer lives because they were eating cleaner cuts of meat. These improvements evolved, generation by generation, leading to the stronger, smarter, fully upright homo sapiens that inhabit the world today. A straight, strong back led man to do other great things, such as climb a ladder (try slumping over and climbing a ladder sometime).
The table itself would also evolve over time. Once a log over some rocks, it would later grow legs, 3 or 4 or more. And new uses for the table would be developed, such as playing poker, holding sewing machines (lets see you rest one of those on your lap, smart guy), or as a place to put magazines in the doctors' office. Of course, if tables were not invented, the magazines could just be placed on the floor, as your curved back posture would naturally have you staring at the floor at the doctors' office anyhow.
**Interesting side note- The 5 Second Rule was invented shortly after the table.**
THE MOST IMPORTANT INVENTION OF ALL TIME #2- The Arcade Token.
The arcade token is much more than a replica coin that will get you 3 lives in Pac-Man. Its development was a revolutionary concept in the American economy. "This guy has to be drunk. Its a stupid fake coin", you may be saying to yourself. Sure its value is limited, only functional within the walls of the arcade, but that is what makes it genius.
Picture pre-arcade token America: a young lad, Timmy, takes his $1 and goes for a walk. He sees a pinball machine, asks the arcade clerk to give him 4 quarters, and plays a round of pinball. After the game, he skips across the street and buys a nutty buddy with his remaining 75 cents, and doesn't even think of returning to the arcade.
Now lets examine the same scenario once the arcade tokens became the standard currency in arcades. And I'll even consider inflation, and give young Timmy $2. So there he is, strolling through town, with $2 in his pocket and not a care in the world. He sees this big machine with bright lights flashing in the arcade, and several other kids gathered around it. Naturally he has to see what all the fuss is about. As he draws closer, he reads the title of the game- Space Invaders. That title sounded similar to the movie his older brother saw when he got to second base (whatever that is) at the drive-in last Saturday night. Well his brother seemed to have enjoyed that space movie, so he should at least try his hand at this space game then too, he reasons. He asks the arcade clerk for change, who directs him to a token machine. He inserts one of his dollars, receives 4 odd looking coins, and walks over and deposits one into the game. After a few minutes, his game ends and he enters his 3 initials, claiming the 7th highest score, yet feels quite disappointed. His brother seemed so much more excited after "watching" a movie about an alien invasion than he did playing a game based on it. So Timmy again skips across the street seeking the comfort that can only come from a root beer float and curly fries. Such fine cuisine usually sets Timmy back $1.25, well within the day's budget. Yet when he attempts to pay, the waitress will not accept the silver coin with the gold center that Timmy received from the machine at the arcade. He tries to reason with her, stating he put in a dollar and received 4 of these coins, so in theory they are worth 25 cents apiece. But she still refuses them. Defeated, embarrassed, and pretty hungry, Timmy begrudgingly walks back across the street, and uses the 3 tokens to play 3 more rounds of Space Invaders (as the arcade clerk flashes a devilish grin). But there is a silver lining, Timmy get the 3rd highest score that day, and his initials would be proudly posted on the screen for a whole week, until 2 players, who initials were coincidentally S.E.X and A.S.S claimed all of the top ten high scores.
But the point is, the arcade token was a specialized non-transferable currency that could only be spent in one place. A child could exchange a dollar for 4 tokens, play a game, and if they did not enjoy themselves, they were on the hook for the full dollar. They would have to use all 4 tokens to get their money's worth. Talk about enabling an addiction. And then the scheme grew. You could exchange $1 for 4 tokens, or you could exchange a 5 dollar bill, and get 22 tokens. Talk about value! Even the dopiest kid can figure out what a deal that is. And its no extra cost to the arcade. They always get those tokens back anyway. Kids can take the tokens home, but they are only worth anything in the arcade and they've already been paid for anyways.
The effects of the advent inception of arcade coins are two-fold. Children who find their allowances replaced with pockets full of virtually worthless coins realize they need to take a little imitative if they want more tangible cash, and begin mowing their neighbors' lawns, shoveling driveways, etc. So children had to become entrepreneurial to support their habit.
And later the arcade token's bastard child would be born - the gift card. Its the same thing. You just graduated college and your grandma gives you a $30 gift card to The Olive Garden (about enough for 2 meals), which is a nice gesture. After all, she remembers you went to The Olive Garden when you were 12 and you loved it. But you would really rather have an actual $30 to spend on beer, or your car insurance payment, or even $30 worth of spaghetti to stuff your cupboards with (you’d get a hell lot more than 2 meals out of the $30 then). But you are now committed. That’s $30 that can only be spent within that building. While you are there, I hope you will take the time to appreciate the table you are dining at. I'm sure management at The Olive Garden does. Can you imagine all the lawsuits they would have encountered from people slipping on sauce if plates were placed on the floor?
[I hope you learned something by reading this blog. If nothing else, you should now understand why I titled my blog "My-Randomalities"]
So which idea should I try to make work in such a short amount of time? I was thinking last week about a gift exchange I was in at Christmas time. It was the White Elephant game, and the only requirement is your gift had to have the "AS SEEN ON TV " label. It was pretty fun, although nobody got stuck with a snuggie. But seeing some of the stuff that was exchanged, it really made me question the whole "Necessity is the father of invention" idea. Sure some of the items are practical, but doesn't the definition of necessity get skewed when there are things like the "ePad Electrolysis" device (I encourage you to look that up. The pic of the girl zapping her mustache is delightful) or the 'As Seen on TV Hat" (again, check out the video for that one. It made me laugh)? I wonder what Benjamin Franklin, inventor of the odometer, bifocals, and Daylight Savings Time would think if he saw some of the items on the As Seen On TV website. What would he think of the Supreme Moo Mixer ("Just add milk, chocolate, and imagination". Seriously?!), or the Perfect Meatloaf Maker? Maybe the Franklin household would have benefited from the Perfect Meatloaf Maker. I’ve heard Deborah Franklin's meatloaf was always dry. And just going by the pictures I've seen of her, she could of used an AH-BRA too. But I digress....
Its easy to take many great inventions for granted when we are bombarded with commercials for the aforementioned crap. Things like cell phones, microwaves, and elevators are great inventions, but they were not neccessary. But their impact on the world can not be discounted. I've been thinking about what are some of the most unappreciated inventions of all time. Of course I can pick anything and spin it as the most important invention ever. And then you could say anything else and prove it to be more important. So perhaps this will be a recurring topic. But for now, the two most important inventions ever, will be revealed in this blog. The first invention was critical to the evolution of man, the second to the evolution of the economy.
THE MOST IMPORTANT INVENTION OF ALL TIME #1- The Table.
"Are you kidding?", you ask, "A f@#$ing table is a better invention than (insert any of your favorite things)?". "Preposterous!", you may exclaim. "Pure and utter bull@#$", you may scream. "I don't need a table to eat a Whopper when I'm driving, and even you said you have a laptop, so no table needed there either", you could correctly point out. But before you get too fired up and begin taking out your anger on any nearby table, allow me to explain. Sure you could argue that without tables life would be a picnic. I would say you are correct, especially for chiropractors. But man found a need for tables, and with tables came progress.
Millions of years ago, cavemen would go out on their hunts and drag home the slain mammoths. In the cave, they would gather around the carcasses, sit on he ground, lean forward and eat their meals. This was detrimental in two ways. Eating off the ground left the food more vulnerable to bacteria, causing illness and decreasing the caveman population, as well as putting unnecessary strain on the cavemen’s' lower backs, as if carrying a dead mammoth back to the cave wasn't strain enough. Whether by accident or by design, someone invented a table (despite my best efforts, I could not find a credited inventor of the table). Since nobody has been credited with inventing the table, I'll just hypothetically say it was a caveman named Slog.
So one day Slog brings home a mammoth. Before the clan eats, Slog must break up some wood, bend down and start a fire. For many minutes, Slog diligently rubs two sticks together until finally he gets a spark. He begins to gather more wood from the pile. He adds more and more, until the cave is adequately heated and lit for the clan that night. Tired, hungry, and in a great deal of pain, he rests the piece of wood he was holding across two large rocks. Ara, Slog's loyal cavewomen, brings him a slab of meat and drops it on the ground before him. Slog sits and leans over to grab his food, but a sharp pain shoots up his back. He moans, drops his meat, and looks at it frustrated. When he sits upright, he feels fine. Leans forward, aches. He looks around the cave. All the other cave people are hunched over, and grunting in discomfort. He continues to scan the cave. And there he sees that wood, suspended over ground by the two rocks. He picks up his meat, and rests it on the wood. He straightens his back, and feels incredible relief. He begins to eat every meal at the wood and rocks. Ostracized at first (I'm just assuming cavemen weren’t very progressive thinkers and disliked change), they soon noticed Slog was a different caveman. He stood more upright, and appeared more confident, both on the hunts, and in the cave bedroom - good for you Ara ;). Others would follow Slog to this table to eat their dinners. Over time, their backs grew stronger, and their population's general health improved as their food wasn't contaminated by as much bacteria from the ground. The weaker but smarter cavemen, who always had to wait to get the last scraps of food, lived longer lives because they were eating cleaner cuts of meat. These improvements evolved, generation by generation, leading to the stronger, smarter, fully upright homo sapiens that inhabit the world today. A straight, strong back led man to do other great things, such as climb a ladder (try slumping over and climbing a ladder sometime).
The table itself would also evolve over time. Once a log over some rocks, it would later grow legs, 3 or 4 or more. And new uses for the table would be developed, such as playing poker, holding sewing machines (lets see you rest one of those on your lap, smart guy), or as a place to put magazines in the doctors' office. Of course, if tables were not invented, the magazines could just be placed on the floor, as your curved back posture would naturally have you staring at the floor at the doctors' office anyhow.
**Interesting side note- The 5 Second Rule was invented shortly after the table.**
THE MOST IMPORTANT INVENTION OF ALL TIME #2- The Arcade Token.
The arcade token is much more than a replica coin that will get you 3 lives in Pac-Man. Its development was a revolutionary concept in the American economy. "This guy has to be drunk. Its a stupid fake coin", you may be saying to yourself. Sure its value is limited, only functional within the walls of the arcade, but that is what makes it genius.
Picture pre-arcade token America: a young lad, Timmy, takes his $1 and goes for a walk. He sees a pinball machine, asks the arcade clerk to give him 4 quarters, and plays a round of pinball. After the game, he skips across the street and buys a nutty buddy with his remaining 75 cents, and doesn't even think of returning to the arcade.
Now lets examine the same scenario once the arcade tokens became the standard currency in arcades. And I'll even consider inflation, and give young Timmy $2. So there he is, strolling through town, with $2 in his pocket and not a care in the world. He sees this big machine with bright lights flashing in the arcade, and several other kids gathered around it. Naturally he has to see what all the fuss is about. As he draws closer, he reads the title of the game- Space Invaders. That title sounded similar to the movie his older brother saw when he got to second base (whatever that is) at the drive-in last Saturday night. Well his brother seemed to have enjoyed that space movie, so he should at least try his hand at this space game then too, he reasons. He asks the arcade clerk for change, who directs him to a token machine. He inserts one of his dollars, receives 4 odd looking coins, and walks over and deposits one into the game. After a few minutes, his game ends and he enters his 3 initials, claiming the 7th highest score, yet feels quite disappointed. His brother seemed so much more excited after "watching" a movie about an alien invasion than he did playing a game based on it. So Timmy again skips across the street seeking the comfort that can only come from a root beer float and curly fries. Such fine cuisine usually sets Timmy back $1.25, well within the day's budget. Yet when he attempts to pay, the waitress will not accept the silver coin with the gold center that Timmy received from the machine at the arcade. He tries to reason with her, stating he put in a dollar and received 4 of these coins, so in theory they are worth 25 cents apiece. But she still refuses them. Defeated, embarrassed, and pretty hungry, Timmy begrudgingly walks back across the street, and uses the 3 tokens to play 3 more rounds of Space Invaders (as the arcade clerk flashes a devilish grin). But there is a silver lining, Timmy get the 3rd highest score that day, and his initials would be proudly posted on the screen for a whole week, until 2 players, who initials were coincidentally S.E.X and A.S.S claimed all of the top ten high scores.
But the point is, the arcade token was a specialized non-transferable currency that could only be spent in one place. A child could exchange a dollar for 4 tokens, play a game, and if they did not enjoy themselves, they were on the hook for the full dollar. They would have to use all 4 tokens to get their money's worth. Talk about enabling an addiction. And then the scheme grew. You could exchange $1 for 4 tokens, or you could exchange a 5 dollar bill, and get 22 tokens. Talk about value! Even the dopiest kid can figure out what a deal that is. And its no extra cost to the arcade. They always get those tokens back anyway. Kids can take the tokens home, but they are only worth anything in the arcade and they've already been paid for anyways.
The effects of the advent inception of arcade coins are two-fold. Children who find their allowances replaced with pockets full of virtually worthless coins realize they need to take a little imitative if they want more tangible cash, and begin mowing their neighbors' lawns, shoveling driveways, etc. So children had to become entrepreneurial to support their habit.
And later the arcade token's bastard child would be born - the gift card. Its the same thing. You just graduated college and your grandma gives you a $30 gift card to The Olive Garden (about enough for 2 meals), which is a nice gesture. After all, she remembers you went to The Olive Garden when you were 12 and you loved it. But you would really rather have an actual $30 to spend on beer, or your car insurance payment, or even $30 worth of spaghetti to stuff your cupboards with (you’d get a hell lot more than 2 meals out of the $30 then). But you are now committed. That’s $30 that can only be spent within that building. While you are there, I hope you will take the time to appreciate the table you are dining at. I'm sure management at The Olive Garden does. Can you imagine all the lawsuits they would have encountered from people slipping on sauce if plates were placed on the floor?
[I hope you learned something by reading this blog. If nothing else, you should now understand why I titled my blog "My-Randomalities"]
Saturday, June 18, 2011
Saturday's Little Known Facts #5
Only 1 is true.
- The Rocket Dancers graced the stage of Radio Music City Hall for years. However as more and more members went overseas to fight on WWII, the dancers' wives began to fill in. Audiences raved about the new "Rockette" dancers high-kicking routine, and they became a mainstay, permanently replacing their husbands even after their return from the war.
-Many of the details associated with Santa Claus were invented for a Coca Cola advertising campaign, in an effort to increase sales in the winter months.
- The Rocket Dancers graced the stage of Radio Music City Hall for years. However as more and more members went overseas to fight on WWII, the dancers' wives began to fill in. Audiences raved about the new "Rockette" dancers high-kicking routine, and they became a mainstay, permanently replacing their husbands even after their return from the war.
-Many of the details associated with Santa Claus were invented for a Coca Cola advertising campaign, in an effort to increase sales in the winter months.
Thursday, June 16, 2011
Lightning Round
Already my favorite castaway, ginger is now also my favorite smell.
I understand it wouldn’t be used often but I would like to nominate >} as the official emoticon for cleavage.
I’m sure its not just me but whenever I hear that song “Mmbop” by Hanson I just want to skip down the street, eating an ice cream cone. With F@#$ING SPRINKLES!
I think if he were still alive (hard not to get emotional right now), Fred Berry-Rerun on the TV show "Whats Happening", would have made an excellent judge on the show "So You Think You Can Dance".
I’m glad I wasn’t invited to the royal wedding. Sure, it was the social event of the season, but I couldn’t handle the stress of picking out a wedding gift. What do you get a prince and princess? I’m sure they don’t need a blender or a dust buster or a gravy boat. I can’t even imagine what was on their gift registry. A private island in the south Pacific? The Mona Lisa? And I wouldn’t want to take the easy way out and write a song. That’s something Elton John would do.
You ever look at that guy Russell Brand and think “Now that’s a guy I wouldn’t mind seeing being mauled by a bear? I do.
If my significant other ever approached me and said “We are going to be on the Jerry Springer Show”, I’d just pack my things and leave right then and there. I don’t want to be told whatever she’d have to say on TV, or quite frankly, hear it at all.
And speaking of the Jerry Springer Show, I’m hopeful there will be a day where legislation is passed where guests are spade or neutered immediately after their appearance. If not all, then at least just the men who are in love with a cross dresser, and claim to have never noticed she was a he, even after being intimate. That type of stupidity or disregard for the truth should not be bred.
How bad to do you think the outfits are that Lady Gaga rejects?
When ever someone says “they” in a statement, such as “They say keeping your wallet in your back pocket causes lower back pain” or “They say it takes Styrofoam 1 million years to decompose”, I think it’s a fairly safe assumption that “They” are the Russians.
I understand it wouldn’t be used often but I would like to nominate >} as the official emoticon for cleavage.
I’m sure its not just me but whenever I hear that song “Mmbop” by Hanson I just want to skip down the street, eating an ice cream cone. With F@#$ING SPRINKLES!
I think if he were still alive (hard not to get emotional right now), Fred Berry-Rerun on the TV show "Whats Happening", would have made an excellent judge on the show "So You Think You Can Dance".
I’m glad I wasn’t invited to the royal wedding. Sure, it was the social event of the season, but I couldn’t handle the stress of picking out a wedding gift. What do you get a prince and princess? I’m sure they don’t need a blender or a dust buster or a gravy boat. I can’t even imagine what was on their gift registry. A private island in the south Pacific? The Mona Lisa? And I wouldn’t want to take the easy way out and write a song. That’s something Elton John would do.
You ever look at that guy Russell Brand and think “Now that’s a guy I wouldn’t mind seeing being mauled by a bear? I do.
If my significant other ever approached me and said “We are going to be on the Jerry Springer Show”, I’d just pack my things and leave right then and there. I don’t want to be told whatever she’d have to say on TV, or quite frankly, hear it at all.
And speaking of the Jerry Springer Show, I’m hopeful there will be a day where legislation is passed where guests are spade or neutered immediately after their appearance. If not all, then at least just the men who are in love with a cross dresser, and claim to have never noticed she was a he, even after being intimate. That type of stupidity or disregard for the truth should not be bred.
How bad to do you think the outfits are that Lady Gaga rejects?
When ever someone says “they” in a statement, such as “They say keeping your wallet in your back pocket causes lower back pain” or “They say it takes Styrofoam 1 million years to decompose”, I think it’s a fairly safe assumption that “They” are the Russians.
Tuesday, June 14, 2011
The Five People You Meet In Hell
A few nights ago, I watched the movie “The Five People You Meet in Heaven”, and it was just as good as I had been told it would be. In the story, a man dies and meets five different people, and gains a new perspective of his life. So I’ve been thinking, if everyone meets five people when they go to Heaven, then surely they must do the same if they go to Hell.
In “The Five People You Meet in Heaven”, Eddie, the protagonist, visits the five people in their different heavens. I don’t picture Hell as a fiery cavern where people are tied to a wall and tortured for eternity. I think of Hell as being similar to the real world; people have houses and jobs to go to. I’m sure there is a great deal of physical torture scheduled daily, but I also think there is a great deal of mental and emotional punishment that people must deal with everyday, and these five people do just that, pushing you to the brink.
This is not an essay on the five worst people of all time. I’m sure Adolf Hitler, Pol Pot, Osama Bin Laden, etc are all down there. I like to think that Satan operates with a sense of poetic justice ( I would if I ran Hell), and Bin Laden, for example, would reside in the Mecca of everything that’s wrong with Western civilization, New York City, working at a Best Buy, selling plasma TV’s, cell phones, and romantic comedies starring Hugh Grant to an endless line of capitalist American infidels, and the only place nearby he can go on his lunch break is Hooters.
Now I like to believe I’ve led a good, moral life, and have a better shot at Heaven than Hell, but for the purposes of this blog, I’ll use my model of Hell. You may have some variations, but I think you’d agree mine would be no picnic.
I picture life in Hell to be routine. Every morning when the alarm clock goes off, Train is playing on the radio (usually “Soul Sister”). The hot water in the shower runs out the second you put shampoo in your hair, and as you rush to rinse it out, you always get some in your eyes. The weatherman always says it will be sunny and 75, and the second you walk out your door its 45 with golf ball sized hail. You get every red light. Every year the Dallas Cowboys play the New England Patriots in the Super Bowl. The only sports announcers are Dick Vitale, Tim McCarver, and John Madden. David Caruso is the best actor in Hell. The radio stations play 1 song, then 20 commercials, all of which are the annoying car dealership commercials where the “host“ interviews a salesman and is shocked by all the fabulous deals available. And dating in Hell is an absolute nightmare. Trust me, there is no one you would want to bring home to meet your mother.
In Hell, you work a 12 hour shift at a job you detest, followed by 12 hours of excruciatingly painful torture. Oh but don't worry, thats not the whole day. The days in Hell are longer - 26 hours. So in the time in between torture and work, and the 2 hours of free time, you encounter the five people you meet in Hell. They are no worse than you- remember you’re there for a reason too. But after all the beatings, lashings, and burnings, after all the crap you deal with at your awful job, these people touch your very last nerve.
#1- The Lottery Whore: You are on your way to your torture, and notice the gas tank is a little low, and since the price of gas has just dropped down to $38/gal, you decide to fill up now. You go inside to pay, but are stuck behind the Lottery Whore. Of course playing the lottery in Hell is risky business, but this person seems to think winning will lead to a better life in Hell, which is foolish, considered its run by the devil. But still he plays religiously. He seems to have a never ending scroll of numbers. 456, 298, 444, 128, 128 boxed….on and on he goes, spouting out numbers as if he is reciting pi to the thousandth decimal place. And you wait, holding exact change for your gas, trying to get the clerk’s attention so you can drop the money on the counter and go, but then the lottery whore requests the clerk read each number back to him because he insists one was missed. Thanks to him, you will be 10 minutes late to your torture session. And every minute you are late equals an extra hour of torture.
#2 - The Ungrateful Driver: You have the right of way, and even though you are late, you yield and let them go first. It is irritating enough that they do not appreciate the gesture enough to acknowledge it with a thank you wave, flick of the headlights, or honk of the horn. But its really infuriating when they pass you and give you a dirty look as if you are blatantly violating the most basic rules of traffic rather than being kind. And that little hold up cost you a chance to get ahead of the garbage truck, which you are now stuck behind for the rest of your commute.
#3- The One-Upper: This guy is always around. At work. Tied to a post next to you as you get caned. In his ears, his voice sounds like a symphony, his stories Shakespearean, and as such he feels the need to delight others with it. It does not matter the conversation topic, he always has something better. One guy says he died in a car accident. He says he was run over by a steamroller. And realism never is a factor with this guy. He’ll always say something more outrageous and absurd. You know a guy who died from a rattlesnake bite? Two sharks played tug of war with his cousin. Your brother was sight seeing and fell off the Eiffel Tower? His buddy was running with the bulls in Pamplona when a gas tanker spilled and caught fire on one of the streets, and he was trampled and gored by 30 angry, blazing bulls.
#4- The On Sale Only Stickler: You stop at the grocery store to pick up some bacterial band-aids (because they don’t sell anti-bacterial band-aids in Hell) to stop the bleeding from the day’s torture. There is only 1 register open, and you are behind one of these clowns. He has his shopping flyer open, and questions the cashier to be sure each sale item is being rang up under the proper sale price. Half the items do not scan at the sale price. He says “that can of tuna is supposed to be 99 cents, not $1.09”, and points to it in the flyer. The cashier points out the Bumble Bee tuna is on sale, not the Chicken of the Sea tuna which was on the shelf right next to it. “Well I don’t want it then”, he says. Eight cans of cat food are scanned, but at regular price. “Why?” he asks. “You need to buy 10 cans for the discount.”, replies the cashier. “Nah, forget it, I don’t want them then”, he angrily snaps. (Poor cat) Apparently you and all the blood dripping from your abdomen are invisible, as well as the 11 other people standing in line behind you. Finally the cashier gets through the order, and the person purchases only 5 out of the 20 items they had in the cart. Now he goes to pay with a check (seriously, who still pays with a check?!!). And of course he can not find his id. Meanwhile you grow light headed from the blood loss.
#5 - Kids Who Don’t Dress Up on Halloween”: Fittingly, Halloween is the only holiday celebrated in Hell. But you have plenty of children coming to your house with empty pillowcases and no costumes asking for candy. What the hell is up with that?!!!! Seriously, I can’t stand that! Dressing up is the whole point of Halloween. I don’t care if you half-ass a costume and just paint your face white, put on a rainbow colored wig, or put your dad’s clothes on, do something! Throw a freaking sheet over yourself and pretend you are a ghost- I’ll play along. “Ooo what a spooky ghost” I‘ll say, and then gladly hand over a bag of Skittles. But they won’t even do that. Is it really too much to ask for a little effort and participation? But you have to give these kids candy, because costume or no costume, they’re still kids, and its still Halloween. And if you don’t, they’ll remember you, and next year your house will be pelted with eggs, and your trees covered with toilet paper. And I am not spending my 2 free hours of a day in Hell cleaning up that mess.
In “The Five People You Meet in Heaven”, Eddie, the protagonist, visits the five people in their different heavens. I don’t picture Hell as a fiery cavern where people are tied to a wall and tortured for eternity. I think of Hell as being similar to the real world; people have houses and jobs to go to. I’m sure there is a great deal of physical torture scheduled daily, but I also think there is a great deal of mental and emotional punishment that people must deal with everyday, and these five people do just that, pushing you to the brink.
This is not an essay on the five worst people of all time. I’m sure Adolf Hitler, Pol Pot, Osama Bin Laden, etc are all down there. I like to think that Satan operates with a sense of poetic justice ( I would if I ran Hell), and Bin Laden, for example, would reside in the Mecca of everything that’s wrong with Western civilization, New York City, working at a Best Buy, selling plasma TV’s, cell phones, and romantic comedies starring Hugh Grant to an endless line of capitalist American infidels, and the only place nearby he can go on his lunch break is Hooters.
Now I like to believe I’ve led a good, moral life, and have a better shot at Heaven than Hell, but for the purposes of this blog, I’ll use my model of Hell. You may have some variations, but I think you’d agree mine would be no picnic.
I picture life in Hell to be routine. Every morning when the alarm clock goes off, Train is playing on the radio (usually “Soul Sister”). The hot water in the shower runs out the second you put shampoo in your hair, and as you rush to rinse it out, you always get some in your eyes. The weatherman always says it will be sunny and 75, and the second you walk out your door its 45 with golf ball sized hail. You get every red light. Every year the Dallas Cowboys play the New England Patriots in the Super Bowl. The only sports announcers are Dick Vitale, Tim McCarver, and John Madden. David Caruso is the best actor in Hell. The radio stations play 1 song, then 20 commercials, all of which are the annoying car dealership commercials where the “host“ interviews a salesman and is shocked by all the fabulous deals available. And dating in Hell is an absolute nightmare. Trust me, there is no one you would want to bring home to meet your mother.
In Hell, you work a 12 hour shift at a job you detest, followed by 12 hours of excruciatingly painful torture. Oh but don't worry, thats not the whole day. The days in Hell are longer - 26 hours. So in the time in between torture and work, and the 2 hours of free time, you encounter the five people you meet in Hell. They are no worse than you- remember you’re there for a reason too. But after all the beatings, lashings, and burnings, after all the crap you deal with at your awful job, these people touch your very last nerve.
#1- The Lottery Whore: You are on your way to your torture, and notice the gas tank is a little low, and since the price of gas has just dropped down to $38/gal, you decide to fill up now. You go inside to pay, but are stuck behind the Lottery Whore. Of course playing the lottery in Hell is risky business, but this person seems to think winning will lead to a better life in Hell, which is foolish, considered its run by the devil. But still he plays religiously. He seems to have a never ending scroll of numbers. 456, 298, 444, 128, 128 boxed….on and on he goes, spouting out numbers as if he is reciting pi to the thousandth decimal place. And you wait, holding exact change for your gas, trying to get the clerk’s attention so you can drop the money on the counter and go, but then the lottery whore requests the clerk read each number back to him because he insists one was missed. Thanks to him, you will be 10 minutes late to your torture session. And every minute you are late equals an extra hour of torture.
#2 - The Ungrateful Driver: You have the right of way, and even though you are late, you yield and let them go first. It is irritating enough that they do not appreciate the gesture enough to acknowledge it with a thank you wave, flick of the headlights, or honk of the horn. But its really infuriating when they pass you and give you a dirty look as if you are blatantly violating the most basic rules of traffic rather than being kind. And that little hold up cost you a chance to get ahead of the garbage truck, which you are now stuck behind for the rest of your commute.
#3- The One-Upper: This guy is always around. At work. Tied to a post next to you as you get caned. In his ears, his voice sounds like a symphony, his stories Shakespearean, and as such he feels the need to delight others with it. It does not matter the conversation topic, he always has something better. One guy says he died in a car accident. He says he was run over by a steamroller. And realism never is a factor with this guy. He’ll always say something more outrageous and absurd. You know a guy who died from a rattlesnake bite? Two sharks played tug of war with his cousin. Your brother was sight seeing and fell off the Eiffel Tower? His buddy was running with the bulls in Pamplona when a gas tanker spilled and caught fire on one of the streets, and he was trampled and gored by 30 angry, blazing bulls.
#4- The On Sale Only Stickler: You stop at the grocery store to pick up some bacterial band-aids (because they don’t sell anti-bacterial band-aids in Hell) to stop the bleeding from the day’s torture. There is only 1 register open, and you are behind one of these clowns. He has his shopping flyer open, and questions the cashier to be sure each sale item is being rang up under the proper sale price. Half the items do not scan at the sale price. He says “that can of tuna is supposed to be 99 cents, not $1.09”, and points to it in the flyer. The cashier points out the Bumble Bee tuna is on sale, not the Chicken of the Sea tuna which was on the shelf right next to it. “Well I don’t want it then”, he says. Eight cans of cat food are scanned, but at regular price. “Why?” he asks. “You need to buy 10 cans for the discount.”, replies the cashier. “Nah, forget it, I don’t want them then”, he angrily snaps. (Poor cat) Apparently you and all the blood dripping from your abdomen are invisible, as well as the 11 other people standing in line behind you. Finally the cashier gets through the order, and the person purchases only 5 out of the 20 items they had in the cart. Now he goes to pay with a check (seriously, who still pays with a check?!!). And of course he can not find his id. Meanwhile you grow light headed from the blood loss.
#5 - Kids Who Don’t Dress Up on Halloween”: Fittingly, Halloween is the only holiday celebrated in Hell. But you have plenty of children coming to your house with empty pillowcases and no costumes asking for candy. What the hell is up with that?!!!! Seriously, I can’t stand that! Dressing up is the whole point of Halloween. I don’t care if you half-ass a costume and just paint your face white, put on a rainbow colored wig, or put your dad’s clothes on, do something! Throw a freaking sheet over yourself and pretend you are a ghost- I’ll play along. “Ooo what a spooky ghost” I‘ll say, and then gladly hand over a bag of Skittles. But they won’t even do that. Is it really too much to ask for a little effort and participation? But you have to give these kids candy, because costume or no costume, they’re still kids, and its still Halloween. And if you don’t, they’ll remember you, and next year your house will be pelted with eggs, and your trees covered with toilet paper. And I am not spending my 2 free hours of a day in Hell cleaning up that mess.
Saturday, June 11, 2011
Saturday's Little Known Facts #4
Only 1 is true.
- Beethoven composed "The Farmer in the Dell" as a way to mock a contemporary rival.
- Mozart is credited for composing "Twinkle Twinkle Little Star".
- Beethoven composed "The Farmer in the Dell" as a way to mock a contemporary rival.
- Mozart is credited for composing "Twinkle Twinkle Little Star".
Sunday, June 5, 2011
The Ever Growing List of Carcinogens
Preface- These blogs are meant to be in good fun. I have been fortunate that none of my loved ones have been effected by cancer. I could see how this topic could strike a nerve with some if they have lost someone important to them due to cancer. I'm not trying to be insensitive towards anyone. As I've said, if I can get a chuckle out of you then I will consider it a success, and as long as you don't strike your monitor cursing my name, then I have not failed.
I went online the other day and one of the first headlines I read on my homepage was "WHO (World Health Organization) links pickles to cancer". It certainly got my attention, especially since I was two bites into my turkey sandwich, which had many pickles on it. As it turned out, remote parts of China and South Korea have seen a large number of incidents of esophageal cancer in the last 50 years. The people in these regions rely on eating pickled vegetables for a portion of the year, and it is the canning process used over there that is leading to the carcinogens being produced. So you need not dash to the fridge and toss out the Vlasic's, because the pickling process used in the US is different, and until further notice, safe. But kudos to the person who wrote the headline. You almost got me to spit out my food, which really takes a lot.
The link between pickled vegetables and cancer is just another addition to a seemingly never ending list of carcinogens. Seems like everyday there's a report of a new hazard. We all knew that smoking was bad, just as standing in front of a microwave is, or swimming in a river that's been polluted with industrial waste is, or chewing on a battery is, etc. But just last week the WHO reported a possible link between cellphones and cancer. I'm hardly surprised by this. There's got to be some pretty funky stuff inside to get those little things to do all that they do. Our advances in technology may be our downfall. All those satellites in space have to be beaming more than text messages and Jersey Shore (also harmful to our if you ask me) down upon us. Computers can't be much better. They have similar technology. But these things have become a part of our normal lives, and we only go forward. So I won't rush to invest the family savings in a company that manufacturers landline telephones. And it will probably be only a matter of time before one company features the "Chemo Therapy" app, thus solving the problem it has created.
I've heard a few people say drinking out of aluminum cans causes cancer. While I'm not a chemist, I can understand the science in that one too. Certain materials pose certain hazards. What surprises me is that in the cut throat business of soda sales, not one company has abandoned aluminum packaging altogether as a way to be more appealing than the competition. Think about the ad campaigns we'd see if one company solely sold their product in plastic - "Drink Pepsi. Live Pepsi.......no seriously, Coke will kill you".
And then there was the day I saw on CNN that there is a link between oral sex and cancer (imagine being in that study group). I saw this report briefly so I do not know which scientists did the research, if it was conducted by scientists at all, or if its just propaganda from Reverend Shaw Moore from Beaumont (Footloose reference if you didn't catch it). I did not hear whether you were more at risk giving or receiving, but 93% of men said they are willing to take their chances. This whole report did strike me as odd. It just seemed kind of random to me. Cancer can be caused by prolonged exposure to carcinogens and/or habitual unhealthy behavior. What if the people in these reports are just a big group of lonely men, who when questioned by their doctors if they have any unusual habitual behaviors, get embarrassed, and lie. Perhaps when they hear the C word, they are overcome with emotion, and denial instantly takes over. Maybe they've all been telling their doctors it must be from all the oral sex they had with their girlfriends, who the doctor wouldn't know, because they live in Canada, or at least out of state. It sure would sound better than sitting in their basement for 5 hours 6 nights a week with their laptop, a bluetooth cellphone attached to their ear so they can talk nerd-smack to their friends as the play "Wizard's Revenge" online, drinking a several cans of soda, and eating pickled vegetables.
And with that, I have just realized I've been sitting here with my laptop for quite sometime. No links yet, but I want to stay ahead of the game. Plus there's a BOTTLED beer in the fridge with my name on it.
I went online the other day and one of the first headlines I read on my homepage was "WHO (World Health Organization) links pickles to cancer". It certainly got my attention, especially since I was two bites into my turkey sandwich, which had many pickles on it. As it turned out, remote parts of China and South Korea have seen a large number of incidents of esophageal cancer in the last 50 years. The people in these regions rely on eating pickled vegetables for a portion of the year, and it is the canning process used over there that is leading to the carcinogens being produced. So you need not dash to the fridge and toss out the Vlasic's, because the pickling process used in the US is different, and until further notice, safe. But kudos to the person who wrote the headline. You almost got me to spit out my food, which really takes a lot.
The link between pickled vegetables and cancer is just another addition to a seemingly never ending list of carcinogens. Seems like everyday there's a report of a new hazard. We all knew that smoking was bad, just as standing in front of a microwave is, or swimming in a river that's been polluted with industrial waste is, or chewing on a battery is, etc. But just last week the WHO reported a possible link between cellphones and cancer. I'm hardly surprised by this. There's got to be some pretty funky stuff inside to get those little things to do all that they do. Our advances in technology may be our downfall. All those satellites in space have to be beaming more than text messages and Jersey Shore (also harmful to our if you ask me) down upon us. Computers can't be much better. They have similar technology. But these things have become a part of our normal lives, and we only go forward. So I won't rush to invest the family savings in a company that manufacturers landline telephones. And it will probably be only a matter of time before one company features the "Chemo Therapy" app, thus solving the problem it has created.
I've heard a few people say drinking out of aluminum cans causes cancer. While I'm not a chemist, I can understand the science in that one too. Certain materials pose certain hazards. What surprises me is that in the cut throat business of soda sales, not one company has abandoned aluminum packaging altogether as a way to be more appealing than the competition. Think about the ad campaigns we'd see if one company solely sold their product in plastic - "Drink Pepsi. Live Pepsi.......no seriously, Coke will kill you".
And then there was the day I saw on CNN that there is a link between oral sex and cancer (imagine being in that study group). I saw this report briefly so I do not know which scientists did the research, if it was conducted by scientists at all, or if its just propaganda from Reverend Shaw Moore from Beaumont (Footloose reference if you didn't catch it). I did not hear whether you were more at risk giving or receiving, but 93% of men said they are willing to take their chances. This whole report did strike me as odd. It just seemed kind of random to me. Cancer can be caused by prolonged exposure to carcinogens and/or habitual unhealthy behavior. What if the people in these reports are just a big group of lonely men, who when questioned by their doctors if they have any unusual habitual behaviors, get embarrassed, and lie. Perhaps when they hear the C word, they are overcome with emotion, and denial instantly takes over. Maybe they've all been telling their doctors it must be from all the oral sex they had with their girlfriends, who the doctor wouldn't know, because they live in Canada, or at least out of state. It sure would sound better than sitting in their basement for 5 hours 6 nights a week with their laptop, a bluetooth cellphone attached to their ear so they can talk nerd-smack to their friends as the play "Wizard's Revenge" online, drinking a several cans of soda, and eating pickled vegetables.
And with that, I have just realized I've been sitting here with my laptop for quite sometime. No links yet, but I want to stay ahead of the game. Plus there's a BOTTLED beer in the fridge with my name on it.
Saturday, June 4, 2011
Saturday's Little Known Fact #3
Only 1 is true:
Hippo's milk is pink.
If you shaved a leopard, you would see that its skin has yellow spots.
Hippo's milk is pink.
If you shaved a leopard, you would see that its skin has yellow spots.
Saturday, May 28, 2011
Saturday's Little Known Facts #2
Only 1 is true.
Tennis balls are bright and fuzzy because tennis creator Harry Gem, in a moment of vanity, wanted to pay homage to himself.
Tug Of War was an Olympic event from 1910-1920.
Tennis balls are bright and fuzzy because tennis creator Harry Gem, in a moment of vanity, wanted to pay homage to himself.
Tug Of War was an Olympic event from 1910-1920.
Thursday, May 26, 2011
Arnold "The Impregnator", Maury, & more....
I was shocked and appalled last week when I turned on The Today Show and learned that Arnold Schwarzenegger had fathered a love-child 10 years ago with his maid while still married to Maria Shriver. It was not the affair that I found so deplorable- it was that this was the lead story. I do not condone or encourage this behavior, nor will I discount the pain Shriver and her family are experiencing. But I have a theory that celebrities are better equipped to recover from heartache, what with all the money and other rich, beautiful people around them. Just check out the magazines at the checkout line. One week some darling actress is on the cover portrayed as a victim of love, and 2 weeks later same said actress is on the cover triumphantly prancing around on the beach of some tropical island with a new beau. Hooray for her. If Bucky from Sticksville, Arkansas’ wife leaves him for another man, I’m sure he’ll have a much tougher time finding someone of equal or greater appeal. He may have to settle for a middle-aged grocery bagger with a limp (seriously, middle-aged and still hasn’t made her way up to cashier?) or the 27 year old girl that works 3rd shift at the gas station with the busted up grill and still goes to high school parties. The 2nd best waitress at Waffle House doesn’t sound so bad now does it? But of course that’s based on my uneducated assumptions of the dating pool in Sticksville, Arkansas.
So the US government is trying to get in contact with the many wives of Bin-Laden (kind of sounds like a romance novel), Mother Nature is tearing up the country destroying homes and lives of thousands, gas prices continue to rise, but the lead story is another celebrity infidelity? Come on! There are countless shows based on strife. How many years has Divorce Court been on TV? Does Maury Povich (more on him later) do any shows any more that don’t involve a DNA test? Look at the fascination with the Aniston-Pitt-Jolie love triangle. But above all else look at President Clinton and Monica Lewinsky. Now that was newsworthy, but if the most powerful man in the world has an affair, shouldn’t we be desensitized by this by now? Let TMZ, The Insider, etc handle these stories.
With the reality shows infusing “celebrities”, I think its only a matter of time before there is a “celebrity” based DNA test show, whether it be on The Maury Povich show or a separate production with a cheesy clichéd title (“Who’s Your Daddy?” comes to mind too easily). Povich seems like an all too natural choice to host a show of this sort. Clearly Connie Chung has all the journalistic integrity in that relationship (and might I add the looks. I wouldn‘t mind wang-Chunging tonight). He missed out on Schwarzenegger, but maybe there still will be a chance at a Tiger Woods mistress. After listening to the pop radio station for 10 minutes today, I have to believe Povich has stock or part ownership of a recording company. Half the songs I heard promoted infidelity. If skanky girls stop having random hookups in a brief period of time and get knocked up, the dude is going to be out of a job.
Other thoughts:
I just can not get into reality TV. Any random clown can get on show, act like a fool, and have their moronic actions/catchphrases branded, trademarked, merchandised, and rewarded to the extent they get to win matches at Wrestlemania. Maybe if this trend happened sometime between 1995-99, the peak of my young and dumb phase, than I would have found it more enjoyable, and perhaps profitable. If they created a reality show where they lock 15 scientists in a lab together to find a cure for a disease, and 1 gets eliminated each week, I would watch just for the principle of it.
I’m all for second chances, but hasn’t winning American Idol become somewhat of a diminished prize when people who lose still get record deals and outsell the winners? Kelly Clarkson is the only real American Idol in my book.
Christina Aguilera does not have an endorsement deal with any make-up company. Seems like a natural fit don’t you think? Its like Mr. T schilling for Zale’s or Richard Simmons as the spokesperson for a disturbingly short shorts company.
I have four children, but do not worry about explaining the birds and the bees. Its explaining Boy George that worries me.
MTV has shows titled "Teen Mom" & "16 and Pregnant". As a father who has a daughter I can only imagine the roller coaster of emotions experienced when a girl tells her parents she's joining the cast of a television show, and then says its one of those two.
I saw the latest Britney Spears video today. She certainly has lost a step or two. Forget about keeping up with her background dancers, I doubt she could keep up with a beginners zumba class. She better get it together soon or she may have to actually start focusing on song writing.
So the US government is trying to get in contact with the many wives of Bin-Laden (kind of sounds like a romance novel), Mother Nature is tearing up the country destroying homes and lives of thousands, gas prices continue to rise, but the lead story is another celebrity infidelity? Come on! There are countless shows based on strife. How many years has Divorce Court been on TV? Does Maury Povich (more on him later) do any shows any more that don’t involve a DNA test? Look at the fascination with the Aniston-Pitt-Jolie love triangle. But above all else look at President Clinton and Monica Lewinsky. Now that was newsworthy, but if the most powerful man in the world has an affair, shouldn’t we be desensitized by this by now? Let TMZ, The Insider, etc handle these stories.
With the reality shows infusing “celebrities”, I think its only a matter of time before there is a “celebrity” based DNA test show, whether it be on The Maury Povich show or a separate production with a cheesy clichéd title (“Who’s Your Daddy?” comes to mind too easily). Povich seems like an all too natural choice to host a show of this sort. Clearly Connie Chung has all the journalistic integrity in that relationship (and might I add the looks. I wouldn‘t mind wang-Chunging tonight). He missed out on Schwarzenegger, but maybe there still will be a chance at a Tiger Woods mistress. After listening to the pop radio station for 10 minutes today, I have to believe Povich has stock or part ownership of a recording company. Half the songs I heard promoted infidelity. If skanky girls stop having random hookups in a brief period of time and get knocked up, the dude is going to be out of a job.
Other thoughts:
I just can not get into reality TV. Any random clown can get on show, act like a fool, and have their moronic actions/catchphrases branded, trademarked, merchandised, and rewarded to the extent they get to win matches at Wrestlemania. Maybe if this trend happened sometime between 1995-99, the peak of my young and dumb phase, than I would have found it more enjoyable, and perhaps profitable. If they created a reality show where they lock 15 scientists in a lab together to find a cure for a disease, and 1 gets eliminated each week, I would watch just for the principle of it.
I’m all for second chances, but hasn’t winning American Idol become somewhat of a diminished prize when people who lose still get record deals and outsell the winners? Kelly Clarkson is the only real American Idol in my book.
Christina Aguilera does not have an endorsement deal with any make-up company. Seems like a natural fit don’t you think? Its like Mr. T schilling for Zale’s or Richard Simmons as the spokesperson for a disturbingly short shorts company.
I have four children, but do not worry about explaining the birds and the bees. Its explaining Boy George that worries me.
MTV has shows titled "Teen Mom" & "16 and Pregnant". As a father who has a daughter I can only imagine the roller coaster of emotions experienced when a girl tells her parents she's joining the cast of a television show, and then says its one of those two.
I saw the latest Britney Spears video today. She certainly has lost a step or two. Forget about keeping up with her background dancers, I doubt she could keep up with a beginners zumba class. She better get it together soon or she may have to actually start focusing on song writing.
Saturday, May 21, 2011
Saturday's Little Known Facts
Introduction- I began writing "Little Known Facts" on the bulletin board at work awhile back. They were always received well, and usually sparked a discussion. The only catch is that I made up the facts. That is not to say they are definitely not true, but I doubt I'm that good of a guesser, and never would take the time to prove myself wrong. So every Saturday I will post 2 facts for your enjoyment. Only one is true -- thats for my enjoyment.
- Play-Doh was invented by NASA scientists as a quick-fix compound astronauts could use to fix broken pipes, tubes, seals, etc. After the compound failed their battery of tests, one scientist decided to market it as a toy after he saw his children playing with a sample he had brought home.
- Vincent Van Gogh only sold 1 painting in his life, and that was to his brother.
- Play-Doh was invented by NASA scientists as a quick-fix compound astronauts could use to fix broken pipes, tubes, seals, etc. After the compound failed their battery of tests, one scientist decided to market it as a toy after he saw his children playing with a sample he had brought home.
- Vincent Van Gogh only sold 1 painting in his life, and that was to his brother.
Friday, May 20, 2011
The Rapture
Preface:
The purpose of this blog is for entertainment purposes only. While the topic I’m writing about, The (possibly pending) Rapture, can arouse several opinions, I respectfully do not care to hear yours on the matter. I am not here to invoke a religious debate.
Saturday, May 21, 2011 is the reported date of The Rapture. There is great debate as to whether this will in fact be the date the world ends. Rather than saying when it does or does not happen, I’ve been thinking about what if it does happen.
First off, I learned off this on the night of Thursday May 19. I wish I had known sooner. I would not have bothered mowing my lawn earlier that day. I also would have not have rushed to pay the water bill. If I have 2 days left on this earth, I could have spent that $45 in much more fun manner. Or at the very least, I should have used it to fill up the car with gas, so I can hop in and drive to Ohio to meet my wife (we both work that day, and she feels it would be best to head to her parents‘ house). I don’t know if she’s confused the Rapture with the Y2K doom, or if she just figures the Rapture will move east to west, and she’s trying to buy time for us.
I then thought about a game I used to play with some friends in high school. My friend Dale had a basketball hoop in his backyard. The “court” was flat but lumpy and covered grass- not ideal conditions for a game of hoops. So we would play “If I Make This…” a game that clearly was developed by a bunch of 17 year olds hopped up on testosterone. It was very similar to H-O-R-S-E. Except a missed shot wouldn’t earn you a letter. Basically, Player A proposes that if they make a shot, Player B has to do something humiliating or gross. Player B would have a chance at the same shot if it was made, thus canceling the shot. Player B could attempt to reverse his fate at any time of the game. I don’t seem to remember any of us really cashing in on these “debts” that were wagered. However there was one thing that always seemed to come up in conversation, even years later, that I never did. As silly as it is, I will not disclose what that thing was. However I guess with the pending Rapture, there’s no better time to finally get that monkey off my back.
So that’s one thing I was supposed to do by now. There‘s a few more things I haven‘t done before our alleged end of days that I thought I would have. Not many 17 year olds fulfill many of their goals. For example, I have never played centerfield for the New York Yankees. I did once run across the field at 3 Rivers Stadium after working a shift as security at a Pittsburgh Pirates game, so that will have to do.
I have never run a marathon. Ironically, there was one in Pittsburgh (where I live) 4 days prior to my learning of the pending doom. Typical. I did run a 5K last August, so I guess that will have to do.
I have never entered an official eating contest, although some may find that hard to believe the way I put down pizza. Once with a friend, one of the friends from the “If I Make This…” games, I engaged in a contest of drinking shots of maple syrup. So that will have to suffice. (I won by the way.)
I’ve never been on a game show. Seems a little late for that, unless the Four Horse Men of the Apocalypse take over Minute To Win It.
I don’t have a bowling alley in my house. I never snuck behind stage at a concert or onto a movie set using only my wits and a roll of Mentos. Skydiving? Not even close.
I’m sure if I thought long and hard about it, there are plenty other expectations of 17 year old Andy that 35 year old Andy didn’t meet. Some realistic, many ridiculous. All in all, 17 year old Andy would be happy going out tomorrow. He’s got the beautiful wife and children he would have wanted. In the end, that trumps all.
So if the ground opens, and balls of fire rain upon me, I’ll know I had a good run. I’ll run 26 miles if needed, and carry a roll Mentos with me just to be safe. But that thing I was supposed to do from the basketball game, well it won’t help me in my Final Judgement, so looks like that will wait longer too.
The purpose of this blog is for entertainment purposes only. While the topic I’m writing about, The (possibly pending) Rapture, can arouse several opinions, I respectfully do not care to hear yours on the matter. I am not here to invoke a religious debate.
Saturday, May 21, 2011 is the reported date of The Rapture. There is great debate as to whether this will in fact be the date the world ends. Rather than saying when it does or does not happen, I’ve been thinking about what if it does happen.
First off, I learned off this on the night of Thursday May 19. I wish I had known sooner. I would not have bothered mowing my lawn earlier that day. I also would have not have rushed to pay the water bill. If I have 2 days left on this earth, I could have spent that $45 in much more fun manner. Or at the very least, I should have used it to fill up the car with gas, so I can hop in and drive to Ohio to meet my wife (we both work that day, and she feels it would be best to head to her parents‘ house). I don’t know if she’s confused the Rapture with the Y2K doom, or if she just figures the Rapture will move east to west, and she’s trying to buy time for us.
I then thought about a game I used to play with some friends in high school. My friend Dale had a basketball hoop in his backyard. The “court” was flat but lumpy and covered grass- not ideal conditions for a game of hoops. So we would play “If I Make This…” a game that clearly was developed by a bunch of 17 year olds hopped up on testosterone. It was very similar to H-O-R-S-E. Except a missed shot wouldn’t earn you a letter. Basically, Player A proposes that if they make a shot, Player B has to do something humiliating or gross. Player B would have a chance at the same shot if it was made, thus canceling the shot. Player B could attempt to reverse his fate at any time of the game. I don’t seem to remember any of us really cashing in on these “debts” that were wagered. However there was one thing that always seemed to come up in conversation, even years later, that I never did. As silly as it is, I will not disclose what that thing was. However I guess with the pending Rapture, there’s no better time to finally get that monkey off my back.
So that’s one thing I was supposed to do by now. There‘s a few more things I haven‘t done before our alleged end of days that I thought I would have. Not many 17 year olds fulfill many of their goals. For example, I have never played centerfield for the New York Yankees. I did once run across the field at 3 Rivers Stadium after working a shift as security at a Pittsburgh Pirates game, so that will have to do.
I have never run a marathon. Ironically, there was one in Pittsburgh (where I live) 4 days prior to my learning of the pending doom. Typical. I did run a 5K last August, so I guess that will have to do.
I have never entered an official eating contest, although some may find that hard to believe the way I put down pizza. Once with a friend, one of the friends from the “If I Make This…” games, I engaged in a contest of drinking shots of maple syrup. So that will have to suffice. (I won by the way.)
I’ve never been on a game show. Seems a little late for that, unless the Four Horse Men of the Apocalypse take over Minute To Win It.
I don’t have a bowling alley in my house. I never snuck behind stage at a concert or onto a movie set using only my wits and a roll of Mentos. Skydiving? Not even close.
I’m sure if I thought long and hard about it, there are plenty other expectations of 17 year old Andy that 35 year old Andy didn’t meet. Some realistic, many ridiculous. All in all, 17 year old Andy would be happy going out tomorrow. He’s got the beautiful wife and children he would have wanted. In the end, that trumps all.
So if the ground opens, and balls of fire rain upon me, I’ll know I had a good run. I’ll run 26 miles if needed, and carry a roll Mentos with me just to be safe. But that thing I was supposed to do from the basketball game, well it won’t help me in my Final Judgement, so looks like that will wait longer too.
INTRO-
My name is Andy. I'm not usually the most articulate person in the room, but I always felt comfortable expressing myself through writing. So here I go, I’m finally jumping into the blogosphere. After years of positive feedback on my facebook posts, I’ve decided to take a stab at blogging, going from 2-5 sentences at a time to several paragraphs.
Part of the reason I've hesitated is time. Random thoughts can pop in my head, I write 3 sentences on facebook, 4 people like it, 3 comment on it, and I'm satisifed. Putting more thought into a longer samples with self imposed deadline will be a challenge given family needs, my work schedule, and I've read only 1 of 7 National Geographics that have come since i received a subscription at Christmas. And I'll admit it, I'm a sports dork who gets too into fantasy baseball.
But I'm going to commit to this. I plan on doing one a week -- always leave them wanting more, right? While I do plan to take this seriously, nothing I write will ever be meant to be taken seriously. Please understand that my tone will be intended to be sarcastic, overdramatic, or satirical. I am doing this for fun, not to incite debate. Although few of my topics will be anything worth debating to begin with.
So what type of things do I think about, and in turn, plan to write about? I think of things like The Wizard of Oz would have been a much shorter movie if it took place on a rainy day. I wonder how awesome it would have been if they had red carpet specials in the 80's (and how old you have to be to stop using the word "awesome"). The thought of Joan Rivers asking Mr. T "who he's wearing" delights me. I wonder if all the virgins Osama Bin Laden is getting in the afterlife are 600 pounds, with nasty B.O. and crabs (they have to be virgins for a reason right?).
I picked the title "my-randomalities", because thats exactly what these blogs will be. There will be no prevalent theme. One week I could go on a rant on who was the best Golden Girl, the following blog could be about why women need 6 bottles of shampoo and 5 bottles of conditioner in the shower at once, followed by some facts I've made up. (yes I am aware that is not the definition of fact, but we'll see what you believe).
And with that, I am on my way blogging..
Part of the reason I've hesitated is time. Random thoughts can pop in my head, I write 3 sentences on facebook, 4 people like it, 3 comment on it, and I'm satisifed. Putting more thought into a longer samples with self imposed deadline will be a challenge given family needs, my work schedule, and I've read only 1 of 7 National Geographics that have come since i received a subscription at Christmas. And I'll admit it, I'm a sports dork who gets too into fantasy baseball.
But I'm going to commit to this. I plan on doing one a week -- always leave them wanting more, right? While I do plan to take this seriously, nothing I write will ever be meant to be taken seriously. Please understand that my tone will be intended to be sarcastic, overdramatic, or satirical. I am doing this for fun, not to incite debate. Although few of my topics will be anything worth debating to begin with.
So what type of things do I think about, and in turn, plan to write about? I think of things like The Wizard of Oz would have been a much shorter movie if it took place on a rainy day. I wonder how awesome it would have been if they had red carpet specials in the 80's (and how old you have to be to stop using the word "awesome"). The thought of Joan Rivers asking Mr. T "who he's wearing" delights me. I wonder if all the virgins Osama Bin Laden is getting in the afterlife are 600 pounds, with nasty B.O. and crabs (they have to be virgins for a reason right?).
I picked the title "my-randomalities", because thats exactly what these blogs will be. There will be no prevalent theme. One week I could go on a rant on who was the best Golden Girl, the following blog could be about why women need 6 bottles of shampoo and 5 bottles of conditioner in the shower at once, followed by some facts I've made up. (yes I am aware that is not the definition of fact, but we'll see what you believe).
And with that, I am on my way blogging..
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